since the last week of august, i have now lost 27 pounds. i have much to say about this change in my life, but have more to do today, so i’ll write more about it later.

suffice it to say, i feel more like myself, in every way, than i have in so long i can’t remember how long.

i came close to deleting online crush from my FB but i couldn’t do it. i know why, because still there is some stupid fucked up part of me that hopes that maybe his IGNORING THE FUCK OUT OF ME isn’t really who he is and someday he’ll realize who I AM and want to be with me.

i know. fucked up. vfuckedup. but i just wasn’t ready to do it.

but i did delete him from my twitter list because i can’t stand to see those women he flirts with there.

fucker.

at least i stopped fantasizing about seeing each other again, and all that would entail.

at least there’s that.

bday dinner later.

peace out.

a quick update: i went out for my friend’s book reading/signing around 7:30 and then they realized it was my bday and we decided to go out for a drink. well, to start with, i was late (because of my class) and when i got there, i felt like i couldn’t sit down without getting in people’s way.

but, this guy sitting on the aisle noticed me hovering and he moved over so i could sit down. hmmm. nice. i noticed he was kinda handsome and tall (tall is always useful for those of us who like heels and are over 5′7″). the reading ended and he of course knew my friend who was reading, and his gfriend. well, we blabbed for awhile, but then decided to go out. apparently he was coming with us.

he had an english accent. and big blue eyes. and gasp *blond* hair. and he was tall. and he was coming with us. and no ring, and no gf. well. maybe not. not sure about that. but wouldn’t she have come along? perhaps not.

so he opened doors for me, bought me wine, said some kind of subtle, but obvious too, really nice supportive things to me.

and he perked right up when i casually was talking about singing (i didn’t bring it up, G did, my friend). he wanted to know all about it.

a man after my own heart. seriously.

if you are interested in my singing, well, then that scores BIG FAT POINTS.

anyway. it was a lovely evening. he did this little sweet thing, with the book i bought. he put it in my glovebox while he was in the car and i said i would forget it there. as he got out, he remembered and put it on the seat, then reached over to shake my hand, and well, he didn’t let it go right away, until we looked at each other in the eye.

uhm. i was not expecting to meet someone who i found attractive and acted like a gentleman and well…it was a nice surprise.

made me feel better about other crap lately.

then i got home and found i was trapped in the back parking area, and the neighbors infuriated me. and so you know what? i completely lost it. fucking move your car. don’t act like you’re doing me some kind of favor because you’re a rude asshole. you’re not doing me any favors. then she had the fucking nerve to say that how she was parking was how i parked (before). then i really lost it. clearly she knew exactly what she was doing was going to block me in and/or piss me off, because it was clear she had her responses already thought out.

here’s the problem: the original reason they had to move their car was their own fucking fault. if they hadn’t continually left shit in my way, i would not have complained and the landlord wouldn’t have told them to move. i was nice to them about it at first, but apparently only getting super pissed gets results. so she has the nerve to say they did it to accomodate me. WHAT??? oh no you didn’t.that was a complete lie. as if they were doing me some kind of favor. bullshit.  i told her i never should have had to park in that spot in the first place. no one accomodated me.

then she had the fucking nerve, instead of just moving the fucking car, to tell me that i parked in the same way before. i really lost it then. telling her that was a complete lie and she knew it and that i never left so much room between my car and the house. she absolutely knew she was lying and they did it on purpose. i told her i was fucking sick of their bullshit and to move her fucking car.

she moved her fucking car.

i’m so fucking sick of liars and ignorant people.

anyway. i’m better now. but i just heard something rustling around somewhere. jesus that mouse better be dead.

i bought a new car, finally, over labor day weekend. it’s a pretty aloe green camry. i love it. of course, my dreams of working/studying overseas will now be on hold for the next five years. ah well. it’s okay. that didn’t seem to be working out anyway. in good time…

i barely hear from forrest since he began his PhD program. i’m okay with that, though i did miss him a great deal at first, because he was my person to do artsy things with and then he was gone. but i’ve started doing those things again, without him, and it’s okay. i’m sure we’ll connect again at some point. i refuse to make all the effort with a man anymore, however. and we were only friends anyway, though he sometimes made comments to the contrary. weirdly.

the state is fucked as far as the budget goes. worrying a little about my job. but trying not to fret too much. keeping it in the back of my mind…

i have new neighbors downstairs, and of course, it didn’t take long for me to hate them. inconsiderate assholes, as always. but they are the least aggravating of the three i’ve had since moving here, so i try to remind myself of that fact.

remember my crush on the horn player? ah yes. we did email each other a bit in the summer. he promised he would make a point to speak to me at our first concert, now that he knew who i was. so i waited for that to happen, and FINALLY after the concert (to be fair, there was no other time it was possible to talk) he waited until we were the last two people on stage. he let all the women in front of me off stage first (it’s usual for us to defer to the musicians, but he waited this time, for us) and there we were. when i got down the risers close to him, he looked down and i looked down (i told him i was shy) and i said “hi” and he said “hi” back. i couldn’t believe it. here’s the thing: he waited for all of us, and there i was, perfect opportunity, but there was one small problem? another musician waited too and that made me feel very nervous and scared to say more. if he hadn’t been standing there, i would have said something more, but being shy…i did not. so i was upset for a bit, but now am over it. i’ll speak to him, of course, if he tries again. or if he tries at all. he could be an idiot for all i know, but his music makes me shiver. seriously, i fall asleep to his music on a regular basis. it soothes me. so no matter what, there will always be that

there are three men at work this year, who i have connected with a bit. two of them are counselors and one is a tech guy (former art teacher). the counselors have befriended me and i really look forward to the one in particular, coming in to visit me. this past fri. he spent the whole day in the libr and we talked all day, off and on. i feel he was on the verge of asking me to do something, but then seemed to chicken out. he’s a bit older than me, and i don’t feel particularly attracted to him, but if he asked me out, i would go. sometimes these things change as i get to know someone. oh, and here’s something: it’s completely obvious that he likes me, asks me how i am, inquires about my life, is polite, kind, considerate, etc. etc. he hugged me goodbye at the end of the day. well, he’s a friend anyway. in a sea of misery in the inner city, one needs a few friends.

the other counselor is a black guy with dreads and soft spoken. he’s probably pretty young, but we gravitated to each other immediately. don’t know him as well, but i’ll see him tomorrow. he’s in my bldg on monday’s. more to come, on him, i am sure.

and the tech guy. he’s DANGEROUS. i must confess that i signed up for the 6 session workshop that i did, partly because i knew he’d be teaching it. he’s utterly hot. big guy, clearly works out. bald. i think in his late 50’s. i can’t tell if he’s married or not, but i’m hoping NO. throughout the first entire session, we stared at each other. then i got freaked out and couldn’t look at him anymore. he kept mentioning things about himself that i strangely, have in common with him (though he doesn’t know that yet) he was in my bldg the other day, for a training thing, and once we ran into each other and i saw that look on his face…then he came through my libr, two times. uh huh.

i feel some hot sex coming into my life. lol.

jesus i hope so. i’m SO tired of being celibate.

it’s likely that most of you have gone long ago, and stopped looking to see if i’ve updated. that’s fine. a new crop of readers perhaps may appear. perhaps not. in any case, i really blog for myself, not anyone else. and i can’t say what i really want to, anywhere else, but here. well, i did take a stab at the oldschool journal, written by hand, which of course has it’s place, but this is more convienent too.

and i’m angry. anger always gets me writing. because it’s a way to vent and get out my feelings, as it always has been.

so i’m here again. welcome back.

there’s been a lot, but then again, nothing, going on.

here’s the short-list:

i survived summer school, which is when i last posted here, i believe. unless i’m desperate for money, i’ll never do it again. and if i do, it would only be for the AM session, never again the afternoon.

at the end of the summer, i was diagnosed by my doctor as being pre-diabetic. they sent me to a nutritionist, who calculated the carbs, fat, and calories i should be eating, in order to stabilize my blood sugar and to lose weight. even before i saw her, i researched new recipes, bought 3 diabetic cookbooks, cleaned out my kitchen and re-organized it, and started to eat differently. by the time i saw her, i’d already lost 6 pounds. it’s now two months later, and i’ve lost 24 pounds. i am dancing again too, and lifting weights, but i think i’m going to have to amp it up and go to a gym. i’ll be looking into that soon. many of my clothes no longer fit, and the ones that do, will not fit after i lose another 20 pounds. since my highest weight (when i was living in ithaca) i have now lost almost 50 pounds. i have strength and endurance and energy i haven’t had in years and i sleep better as well as my mood is better and just all around clearer in thought and behavior. i cannot believe the difference in only two months. i go back to the doctor at the end of this month, to have blood work done again, and i hope that my tests will now be in the normal range. in any case, i have this clear picture in my head of what i will look like a year from now, and it’s not going away. this time i got the kick in the ass i needed. and it’s working. i feel healthier than i have in many many years.

since summer school sucked so badly, i decided to take full advantage of my insurance benefits. so i got a new pair of glasses (all paid for)–trifocals, i was having trouble reading my music and watching the conductor, so that’s what i ended up with. blended lenses, but they did make me feel a tiny bit old, i must admit.

i also started seeing a therapist. which i have wanted to do for a very long time, but could never afford it ($110 a session was too much). but my insurance only requires a FIVE dollar copay. yippee. everytime i pay, someone says “wow, you have good insurance” yeah, you need it working in the city. but i am seeing the therapist solely to focus on my problems with men. it turns out, according to the objective one, that perhaps i don’t have as many problems as i once thought. i have all these myths about myself with regard to men, and she’s helping me dispell them. she also has really highlighted and pointed out the poor behavior of online crush toward me, and has not given him any outs or excuses. well, with the exception of once, she said that maybe he really truly is so unaware of his own behaviour, that he really DOES think he hasn’t been unkind to me. he’s the reason i went in the first place. i felt (and still am feeling today, which i will explain in a min) very fucked up over what happened (or DIDN’T) with him. i couldn’t make sense of it, and it hurts me so much. the only other time i remember feeling so fucking at loose ends over something, like, i really needed closure that i wasn’t getting, was when i had my abortion with charlie. that bastard. i couldn’t fathom that either.

i have been much better as of late (until yesterday), not reading his blog, not emailing. he refused to respond to me so many times at the beginning of the summer, after i sent him the book of photos i’d made, that i just couldn’t take it any more. his last email to me was him basically calling me crazy (paranoid) and then i never heard from him again. yes, he managed to make me fucking crazy and then got away with ignoring me so much that i finally went away. this was, i’m sure, his hope, that i would be the one to act out, so he could blame me and make me go away. much easier than to deal with me honestly and openly. but why would i think anything would ever change there anyway? so the therapy has been good, but when i go next time, i’ll have to admit that i fucking broke down and looked at his stupid blog (we are “friends” on facebook, but i never ever look at his page and i hid his feed because i knew i’d be constantly aggravated by the public persona that i know doesn’t match how he has behaved toward me) and then i noticed he’s on twitter and then i looked at who he was “following” and then i noticed many of them were much younger women, and then i noticed all his comments to one in particular, who publicly shows a half naked photo of herself giving the finger to the camera and blabbering on and on about drinking and other immature bullshit. really. is that what he spends his time on? is that what he wants? someone half his age who is an embarrassment in public? it’s one thing if she did it anonymously, but to post that stuff under your real name? oh wait, maybe it’s not her real name. he’s almost 50 years old, chasing after some vapid (and he talks about other people being vapid, please), girl who talks about wanting to be more slutty? wow. and here i thought that his problem with me was that i wasn’t smart enough or “important” enough. apparently, i was wrong about that. what i’m so angry about are all the excuses, but for these other “women” he seems to have all the time in the world. but now i sound crazy, don’t i? who the fuck knows. i can’t care anymore. i’m pretty fucking angry right now, and i deserve it. i SHOULD NOT LOOK. and i was doing so well too. i’ll go back to not looking, because as always, i just end up feeling hurt and used. despite this temporary setback, therapy is helping. the power of his false persona is fading in my life.