really bugging me
that friend of mine, who’s married and whose wife is away, is really starting to get 0n my nerves. he really needs to stop asking me to do stuff every single day. i mean, come ON. and then when she gets back, is he going to do something with me then? the answer is no (not that i really care, it’s the principal of it).
he emails me, texts me, calls me. STOP IT.
i started thinking, is this how online crush felt about me? probably.
but online crush also wanted to see me naked. he certainly encouraged my pathetic-ness, at least for a time.
i’ve never said that i wanted ANYthing from this guy. it’s really starting to creep me out.
i did go to his house for a party he had last night, only because i thought i might actually meet someone there. when we were out two weeks ago, i met a friend of his who made immediate and constant eye contact with me. he was SUPER handsome. and a musician. i was hoping he’d be there.
of course he wasn’t.
but anyway. these other people knew all this stuff about me and it felt creepy.
you’re married. i can’t help it if you’re not happy. you’re still MARRIED.
besides, i don’t feel that way about him, even if he wasn’t.
ugh.
why can’t a man i WANT to act this way, ACT THIS WAY???
it fucking sucks.
men-who-don’t-call karma
so i went to the grocery store today after work and i’m wandering around in my work clothes (which usually make me feel pretty middle-aged and “teacher-ish”) and my hair’s up and no make up on and feeling fat (got period today) and as i enter the toilet paper aisle, i look up to see this man over by the apples staring at me.
he immediately looks away after i immediately realize who he is and the blah look on my face is undoubtedly replaced with a glare.
a dirty glare. me thinking, can’t i go ANYwhere and be left alone?
(and what’s with the FRUIT FLIES in my house right now??? argh)
it’s that guy, that PAINTER (who has his own art studio), who i met only once, last march, when i tried one more time (after several years hiatus) to online date. we met at the art gallery and two hours before the date i broke down sobbing, wishing i’d never agreed to meet. wishing i never had to go on a date again, because it was inevitably going to end in disappointment and rejection.
and he was rude to me, making up some lame-o excuse why he had to run away from me. and it was pouring rain that day and i was so humiliated. it was so obvious he couldn’t wait to get away from me. and in the rain, outside, he made some crappy remark about calling me. i knew it was a lie.
and of course it was because he never called.
and then today he sees me, and instead of getting away from me, he stands in front of the frozen food i want to get to FOREVER. i have all my produce and i’m loitering next to food i don’t want, only for him to NOT MOVE. i felt like it was on purpose. i refused to go near him or talk to him or even look at him.
no, instead i stood around as my lettuce melted and he hogged the frozen food aisle.
then he FINALLY moves on, after getting NOTHING out of the case (as i bury my two packages of cookies so he won’t see them) (hey, i have my period, i’m entitled!) and i move on too, sure he will have checked out by the time i get to the registers.
oh no. he comes BACK DOWN THE AISLE again. pathetic.
did you really not notice i don’t want to talk to you?
seriously, you humiliate me by running away on the date, you never call after saying you will (truly, it didn’t matter, it’s just the principal of lying that i detest) and then you see me 5 months later in the toilet paper aisle and you think i’m going to be all “oh HI”
uhm. no.
this is one of the many reasons i won’t ever do the online dating thing again. it was sheer hell and i’m glad it’s over.
i’ll settle for my pathetic crushes on men who don’t know i exist anyday.
la la la
today was an okay day, as far as the kids at work go. they listened pretty well, overall. i used music, of course, to bribe them. but the best part was that to get their attention, i plugged my ipod into some speakers and blasted the music of the French horn and man, they shut right up.
people laughed at me when i told them i was going to play classical music for my inner city kids, saying they’d never listen.
well guess what?
they listened. they were almost immediately quiet, something that pretty much never happens.
i was so excited i almost emailed aforementioned crush, to tell him i played his music and they listened!
but i resisted the urge to make a complete fool of myself. maybe someday he’ll actually talk to me, and then i can tell him. a girl can dream 
of course, the kids were all guessing it was a trumpet or a trombone and when i said it was the French horn, they looked very confused, which made me chuckle.
there’s work still to do.
seriously though,
i’m alive
for those of you who aren’t on FB, that’s where i’ve been posting mostly. can’t be bothered to write full length exposes of my life at the moment, though i will write one tonight, i suppose.
i’m working summer school. it’s kicking my ass. in addition, i have just finished 5 days of teaching courses at the techr center. i didn’t NEED the money, because i’d saved enough to get through the summer. however, i wanted the extra money to pay down my debt so my credit score would go up. which it has. almost 30 points in a little over a month. not to mention i found numerous errors on my reports so i disputed them and they were corrected (at least, on one report so far). so i expect it to go up further when these changes are recorded.
i want to buy a new car (need to, in fact) and want to (need to, again) buy a house as well. because i work in the city, i’ll be eligible not only for the 8K tax thing, but for up to 10K towards closing costs and downpayment. so. i don’t want to miss out on this stuff.
besides my car continues to make weird noises and i continue to have problems with inconsiderate and noisy neighbors. and the day i move out of here and get away from that psycho across the street will be a day to celebrate. i avoid going out because i can’t stand the thought of seeing him. and he’s ALWAYS loitering around outside when it’s nice out and SHE isn’t home. what a dick.
summer school sucks. i cannot explain, nor will you understand even if i tried to explain, just how horrible it is. a nightmare. truly unbelievable, and those of you who know me, know that i have seen some pretty bad shit when i was a social worker.
of any job i have ever done, with possibly subbing in the same category, no job has ever, ever, been so horrible.
i never understood until now, now that i’ve been doing it.
i can’t wait until the end of july. it will be over.
on other notes: i sang all weekend and it was a wonderful relief from the stress of all of this. it truly is my only joy lately. once again, music saves me. as it always has.
and it helped that i got to see my crush, the princ horn player (should i link to his site so you can see? hmmmm. what if he should have stats…?) all weekend. i mean, of course, he doesn’t SPEAK to me (well, he did once, when i said something first) but he’s nice eye candy. he is my “type” if i have one, that’s for sure. of course, i rarely if ever go out with my type, but i sure am attracted to this physical type of man. and the music thing, well, who could ask for anything else?
his playing soothes me. sincerely. just hearing him play relaxes me.
of course he’s probably married or gay. but a girl can fantasize.
i’ve pretty much given up on the whole dating/sex/love thing anyway. i mean, i’m open to it someday happening to me again, but i don’t think much about it happening anymore.
the sex part i think about, because i do miss that. but the aggravation and pain part i have had quite enough of.
OC has completely, 100% blown me off now. apparently the book meant nothing. gee, what a surprise. i get treated like crap by him? who knew. of course, the last i heard from him, he did call me paranoid and was sarcastic and nasty to me. as if his behavior has been nothing but stellar. whatever. i know the truth. i know my heart and head and intentions. and i know his. and the two shall never meet. too bad for me i wouldn’t see it or accept it sooner. it sure never hurt him. only me.
onward.
i’ve been reading a little, and writing too. working on the book manuscript. hope to get it done before the end of the summer.
watching movies, going out occasionally.
one of my married guy friends has been really communicating and wanting to hang out with me. like, every day. i kind of blew him off tonight. he’s been really nice and supportive to me, but it’s starting to feel a little weird. i like his wife and even if i didn’t, i’d still feel weird. because i’m pretty sure he’s not telling her that he’s been hanging out with me. which is not good. she’s away at the moment. so he has all this free time. also maybe not so good. i got a little bit of a weird vibe from him last night. i’m not attracted to him, for the record, and i could of course, just be misreading things (prob), but anyway…
forrest has been gone now a month. i only heard once from him, a group email. nothing else.
i mailed him a real letter, but so far, no response.
oh well. he was acting so weird before he moved. saying stuff about me moving there (though i was NEVER more than a friend) and then when i’d call him on it, he’d back track completely. it caused some weirdness and upsettness. sometimes i still can’t believe he’s gone already…
and then there’s this thing that happened today. i was driving from the workshop to school and i happened to be thinking about D, the man who i had that crush on for 15 years, who died suddenly last sept (and i got the text message from his cousin telling me he passed), and i looked at the truck in front of me and the license plate was HIS EXACT FIRST FULL NAME.
his name is not common at all. and there it was. and i was just telling someone about him yesterday too.
i felt comforted by that…
PS–recently i was talking to someone about how i used to dance every day, and that’s when i felt happiest. and the person said “why aren’t you dancing then?” and i said, that’s a good question…considering that dance studio i went to before i moved. i want to try again. i guess, after i broke my pelvis, i stopped doing a lot of things…
we shall see.
a possible explanation…
When I read this article, this is what has happened to me. And still, when I read that the underlying reason for this behavior is self-loathing, I cry for him. It hurts me that this could be the reason for this behavior. Even after all he’s done to hurt me, I still have empathy and pain for his pain. Pain he probably doesn’t even acknowledge. But it’s there, because no way in hell could someone treat another person like this, if they weren’t at some level, very much in pain. I know he brought out this co-dependence in me that I’d thought I’d worked on and gotten rid of–obviously still is present in me at some level. But I always wanted just to love him. My feelings were real. That’s the best I can do and I have to live with it.
When the end comes it doesn’t arrive quickly. The Narcissist may come back for more when other NSSs aren’t in ready supply or not doing their jobs properly. They may even enlist the aid of their friends to bring you back to the fold or intimidate you. Or maybe you will try to go back to them because you miss their presence in your life (which is usually the result of a loss of adrenaline that was previously generated by the highs and lows that interactions with Narcissists bring). You’re unlikely to get any closure on the basis that you to and fro or because there isn’t going to be a happy ending where you’re going to get the answers you need to feel happy about what happened in order to be able to put a lid on it.
Secondly, the Narcissist isn’t going to be spending time worrying about how you’re feeling or analysing their part in what went wrong in your “relationship”. This is because they won’t think they’ve done anything wrong and they don’t like to dwell on any negative emotions. In fact it’s likely they will feel a sense of relief that they no longer have to work so hard at keeping up appearances. They’ll just go and find another NSS to replace you, if they’re good looking or successful it won’t take them long so rest easy for them. Talk about it out loud, analyse it till you’re blue in the face, anything that helps you to process what’s happened and learn from it.
