i miss OC. it’s because so much time has passed since we’ve communicated, that the pain recedes temporarily and i start missing him. whatever missing him is possible…i mean, i miss the hope of him. the hope that we’d be together. i clung to that hope for so long. it’s really quite pathetic. oh, just ignore me…or i keep thinking, it’s not pathetic, it’s the stuff that real love is made of…ha ha. if there is such a thing. i certainly haven’t found it. or, if i have, it hasn’t found me in return.

i also discovered that thewriter is who i thought he was. or i am assuming this, based on my libr–ian investigative nature. all the times we chatted (this was years ago, mind you), he was very very protective of his personal information. unnaturally so, considering the types of conversations we had. of course, this meant to me, HE’S MARRIED, and also, it seemed even more than that. he told me he was a writer–published a few books. he told me the genre. he told me he taught. he told me his location (and this was verified by my stats). he would not disclose his last name. i assumed, perhaps, he might be a bit well-known (as well as being MARRIED). well, i did a little investigating this last time he contacted me. i feet pretty sure i know who he is (yes, a somewhat known writer, in his genre at least) and YES, married. i knew he’d been occasionally still looking at my old website, because my stats told me so (though sometimes he was trying to use some cloaking site, but it never worked, i could still see the IP) if he was smart, he’d look using a phone, instead of computer, because i’ve tested that, and my stats aren’t picking up those kinds of visits.

anyway. i’ve created a password access thing on my old site. he must know that from going to it. i know he would, because it pops right up.

so i found his author website and linked to it from twitter. with no special comment, just that he was “another one.” ah ha. his stats on his site will now show my link.

a few weeks have passed, and i try to go to his site again. but guess what? the same exact password box pops up on his site as is on my old site. coincidence? perhaps. but i doubt it.

so i know who he is now (he gave me enough info really to narrow it to him anyway). and he’s worried about that. i am sure it’s not because he’s somewhat well-known, it’s clearly because he’s MARRIED. if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t act this way and he’d probably be more than happy to let me know who he was (you know, to impress). of course, i could be wrong.

online crush does say that i always assume. and he’s right, i do a lot of assuming, but not before gathering lots of behavioral and other evidence. it’s not like i just make crazy assumptions out of thin air. that’s NOT true.

anyway. does michael really think he’s going to forget me? i’ve seen his pattern of checking on me for that last several years. i knew it was him. it’s sad, really. obviously has some issues of his own. too bad.

oh and that counselor at work i was sure was going to ask me out? well, until i used F as a way out of that, mentioning that i was going to see him for new year’s, the counselor never ONCE mentioned he was married (and no ring). now suddenly he’s married too. ah hah ah ah ha. i suspected as much, honestly. what do these men think anyway? poor pathetic single woman will accept married men bullshit?

no way.

i miss sex. it’s been a long time. but the longer i go, the less it seems to matter. i need a new sex toy, however.

too much info? too bad. you’re all having sex, and i’m not. and i haven’t had regular sex in a very very very long time. jesus. i don’t know how many years.

now that’s sad…

but instead i’m not. really? i’m not posting things on the internet from the shower? well, i am sure someday that will be possible.

anyway. i’m temporarily over my sentimental mood.

back to normal. for the moment. probably because not less than FOUR men from my past contacted me yesterday. all of them, also, in a sentimental mood.

and let’s not forget thewriter who also contacted me last week. and rochesterman.

and some guy from my old online profile too.

well, i always say “they’ll be sorry” and usually, i end up being right.

with few exceptions. of course, the person i WISH would contact me, well…anyway.

off to the shower now.

peace.

to believe he is still the person i adored. it’s easier for me to believe he is still that person than to believe he’s a bastard. i can’t stand that.

i can stand not talking to him for a reason i’ll never understand, easier than i can stand believing he’s a bastard.

i choose to believe he’s not a bad man. i have to…

i know it goes against all reason, and against all outward signs he has been giving (or not giving, as the case may be), but i want him to come back. i know. but i can’t help it.

i just can’t believe he’s the kind of person who would drop out of my life completely like this.

i want him back…

then today it said i’ve lost 37 pounds since the last week of august. it’s gone up and down 3 or 4 pounds for the last couple of weeks, but today it was the lowest i’ve seen it.

of course, i make sure to be completely naked when i step on there.

and i admit to being more than a little obsessed with it. which i suppose, since i’ve thus far been so successful at losing weight, is not a bad thing in my case.

i still look in the mirror and see the fat me, because i still have my belly, and no matter what, i will probably always have it (because i always have, even at my thinnest). let’s just say i’ve never been able to wear a bikini, and i’ve come to peace with that idea.

but i do see signs of change in my body shape and muscle composition. legs have muscles in them i haven’t seen a quite awhile, and ass is starting to change a bit too. as well as neck, arms, shoulders, wrists, feet, ankles, being more shapely and smaller (yes, i’ve taken measurements). it’s not drastic, but i can see it happening.

**WARNING: ONLINE CRUSH SECTION. SKIP IF SICK OF HEARING ABOUT HIM.**

i’m trying not to be upset over online crush ignoring me. it’s been hurting me again lately. just skip this part if you’re sick of me whining about a man who doesn’t give a fuck about me so why in the world do i still care. i just have to moan about it until i don’t have to moan about it anymore. and apparently, that isn’t happening. i’m not sure what the trigger is, but i’m back to feeling like shit about him again. it’s the call. that stupid call. god. i don’t know what gets into me. sentimentality? the fact the i bared myself completely to him and at the very least thought we’d always be friends? but i guess he never considered me a friend in the first place. unlike his exwives who he still talks to and one whom he apparently still adores (get over her already, she fucking gave you a chance and divorced your ass) (but why? why?). oh god. i made such a big fucking mistake in taking literally thousands of photos and sending them to him. i TOOK THEM FOR HIM. not just photos. they were expressions of caring and emotion and desire. not just a fucking photo. it’s so fucking humiliating now…to be completely ignored. i feel tossed aside like garbage. and for what reason?

because he read things here i wrote? well. maybe i do deserve his anger for some of the stuff (he certainly deserved some of mine). this is my diary, after all.

hard lesson to learn, that i shouldn’t express my immediate emotions for ANY man to see. because i’m sorting things out here, and not always necessarily should the people i’m sorting about, be privy to that sorting. clearly that was a big mistake. should have hidden it from him.

but why do i always blame myself for things? maybe, just maybe, it’s mean what he’s doing. maybe he’s at fault. and for once, it’s not anything i did now (or ever).

he would never see it this way. his last email to me was basically calling me crazy (paranoid) and the one or two before that was blaming me for the “cycle” of me assuming and then acting on assumptions.

here’s a novel idea: open communication and doing what you say you’re going to do, would have eliminated these issues. maybe my reactions would have been completely different had i not been repeatedly promised something, only to be given the silent treatment when i got excited about seeing him.

jesus. it’s so fucked up. and i’m still fucking talking about it. i feel traumatized. i think i’ve moved on, only to slide backward. calling him and saying something nice. why? to give him an opportunity to ignore me some more?

he has that book of my photos. or, at least he did. what’s he done with it anyway? thrown it in the trash?

god i hope not. i never want anyone to see those photos ever again. especially not some trash picker…

**END OF ONLINE CRUSH LAMENT. YOU’RE SAFE NOW.**

i’m off to christmas carol with the chorus. that should be fun. i’ll be better after that. it’s the music, of course. it’s all about the music. it is, and always has been, my life. my joy.