Archive for chorus
my life this week
well i managed to get another week out of the car. now it’s squeaking when i get in. meaning: i really need new struts and shocks. i just talked to my dad about it, and he said he called the dealer where he got his new car and they have new cars he thinks i should look into…ugh. i told him my credit is less than stellar and that’s really probably the big issue…ugh again. i HATE admitting that to my dad, mr. don’t-ever-spend-any-money. well. he handled it really well. i mean, he’s being so non-judgmental about it, i can’t believe it. of course, what would be ideal for me (not for him) is if he buys the car and i pay him back. which i did before and it worked fine. but this time i guess he wants me to be a ‘grown-up.’ yeah. it’s forcing me to deal with my PAST financial mistakes (because as i’ve mentioned, i have basically made a 180 degree turn in how i spend money–no charging at all being the big change).
well. i’ll have to deal with it sooner or later. if not now, probably soon.
i had dinner with my mom thurs, which was nice. she’s always so accepting of me and my mistakes (now it’s only men i make the big fat mistakes with any more). i haven’t even bothered to tell her the latest bullshit. i haven’t told any of you either. but last week online crush emailed me and it was an email meant for another woman (who he named) and he referred in the email to seeing her again.
wow. i completely lost it. of course, would you expect anything less from me? i wrote about five emails in succession, each one containing more vitriol than the previous one. i was furious that he would choose to expose the truth this way, via email to another woman. i mean, i KNEW something was up, since his tone had changed so drastically over the summer and he insisted i hadn’t done anything wrong (of course, now he can say ’see, you’re a lunatic and that’s why i won’t see you’).
now in retrospect, the email could have been innocent enough, to a colleague, or something. but you know what? i still don’t care. i know i flipped out. but i was so patient for so long. really. who else in this world would have waited around for him for this many YEARS, withOUT exploding? i loved him. or the him i wanted him to be. the him i believed he was. the him i remember from the last time i saw him. i just couldn’t take any more. i just wanted to see him again. that’s all. none of this would have happened if he’d just done what he said he was going to do. been a man of his word. but he continued to deflect me and put me off instead of just being direct and forthright. who wouldn’t lose it after all this time?
and really, if he wasn’t writing to some woman about seeing her personally, and it WAS innocent and to a colleague, he should have EXPLAINED that CLEARLY in his quick second email in which he said “sorry. that was intended from someone else.” yeah. i GOT that. since it had the SOMEONE ELSE’S name in the email, and NOT mine. but if it wasn’t someone he’s fucking, then why didn’t he TELL me that. he knows me well enough to know that i would flip on seeing that email. so he didn’t care how i felt, and wanted me to find out i guess, without him having to admit it. it worked perfectly for him, because again, now he can act like i am the one with the problem (which is true, who in the world would put up with such shitty behavior from a man? only an idiot, which i’ve obviously been).
i hadn’t seen him in almost two years. he promised me last spring. he was so sweet when we started talking again after that six months when i was furious last time (again, about being treated like a non-person) and making actual effort. then BOOM. nothing.
anyway. i was very angry. he only wrote back some cold retort about deleting my photos (i demanded he do so). anyway. it was humiliating but on the other hand, it was a relief. now i know. he’ll see other women, but not me. it hurts, but it’s over. i know and i can move on.
i feel better about myself this week, and i’ve tried not to beat up on myself (why not me? why her? why why why?) all pointless bullshit.
so that’s that. four years of affection wasted. i’m an idiot. but that part of my life is over.
it’s only caring, loving, attentive men for me, from now on. i give up and let go of anything else.
work has been way better with CI (cousin It). she did do something selfish yesterday, but i decided not to make a big deal about it and let it go. that’s her. selfish. whatever.
and too many people i know are seriously ill, have died, or will die of something serious…for me to make mountains out of molehills. it’s a bad habit (many of us suffer from) and one i would like to remedy.
i got in my two grant applications on time this week. finished the article (which i am waiting for the check for that to arrive). rehearsal was awesome and inspiring.
last night after work i went to my niece’s v-ball game, which was fun. and then i stopped into a photo opening of two of my photog friends. that was really nice. i’ve really become part of a little photography community here and it makes me happy. one of the guys there who i met, looked me up on flickr last night, added me, and emailed me too.
well. that was nice. i got the vibe from him he might be interested. who knows. it was a nice gesture anyway, that he thought of me while at home, and bothered to add me.
i’m off to my dad’s this afternoon.
it’s a beautiful warm day here. i am grateful for the things i have. despite my kvetching, i am grateful over and over, to be home, to be singing, to be writing, to be a part of my artistic community again.
last night’s discussion
i went to see a panel discussion last night with the maestro and holocaust survivors and it’s been in my head ever since. it was very touching and poignant. there were two women there and one gentleman. all three were vibrant and full of life and memories about the conductor whose story we are dramatizing this afternoon in our concert.
one of the women in particular struck as me as so poetic. her descriptions of how she felt, were all metaphoric. i wondered if she realized she was speaking in metaphor. i was in the 2nd row and i was just mesmerized by her. when the discussion ended, i felt compelled to speak to her. so i did. she was tiny, and i was wearing heels (which makes me almost 6 feet tall) so i had to bend so i didn’t tower over her.
she was so sweet. when i told her that she was a poet she denied it vehemently, insisting that while her mother had been a sculptor and other members of her family were artists, she had no talent at all (remember, she was an original chorus member in a concentration camp, singing the verdi piece-learned by rote-under the baton of raphael schachter). i told her that even if she was unaware of it, her words were poetic and since i am a poet, i really noticed it. she finally conceded and thanked me. her humility so reminded me of my grandmother…
she asked me what part i was singing in the chorus and i told her alto 1 and she said “oh, i have a friend in czechoslovakia who also sang alto 1, i am going to tell her that i spoke to you!” i told her i’d be singing the part for them tomorrow (today).
i also managed to get the courage to speak to the maestro. i had to wait for a long time, standing pretty much right next to him, but so many people interrupted or got ahead of me. i’m not very pushy when it comes to this sort of thing, i just hang back, especially because i was nervous to speak to him. but i really wanted to, so i waited. he saw me standing there and at one point he held up his finger to me, to indicate to me that he knew i was there and to wait. i wasn’t going to walk away and i wasn’t upset. it was fine, but i thought that was kind of him.
when i finally got to speak to him, i shook his hand and said my name, and he didn’t hear me (ambient noise and/or me being shy) and so i had to lean in to say it again. he was strangely quiet. i didn’t expect it considering his gregariousness and “stage presence.” maybe it’s weird to have strangers coming up introducing themselves and saying nice things to you. i know that would be weird for me to. what do you say? i don’t know.
i told him i was a member of the choir (he probably knew that) and that i just wanted to say thank you for what he was doing, that it was an honor to sing under his baton, and that i was really pleased that he was telling this story, because i feel that it tells the story of what music really means and how it matters in the world. he smiled and said thank you. he was quite humble. just nodding and barely even looking me in the eye. that was sort of disappointing, really. i wasn’t sure if i made him uncomfortable or he’d heard this so much before that it just went in one ear…
no. i don’t think so. again, what would i say if someone did that? in fact, i know how weird it is to be approached by strangers (flattering and meaningful, but still sometimes uncomfortable) and told that they really loved something i wrote. i’ve had complete strangers do that in person but also via phone. i’ve had at least three occasions where someone read a poem i’d had published and took it upon themselves to look up my phone number, and leave me a message on my answering machine about how moved they were. and one letter to the same effect. those are things i will never forget, and though the people may have felt it didn’t matter to me, it did. i just didn’t know how to respond to that very well at the time.
anyway. i am glad i spoke to him, even if he did find me a weirdo 
what i said came from my heart and i am sure he knew that. people’s public persona’s are very often different than the personal ones. i think i must have gotten a glimpse of the personal side. and it was sincere and humble, which was nice.
i have to go stretch, iron my concert clothes, and just relax a bit. i don’t want to be rushing around at the last minute.
did i also mention i spoke to mathematician yesterday? i returned his call, and he asked about my concert. he said he might try to come. we shall see.
just listen
the end of the requiem tomorrow. since you all can’t come, i thought i’d give you a taste. and that’s all it is. nothing can compare to what we’re doing tomorrow afternoon.
words fail me
tonight’s rehearsal, this upcoming performance is why i do what i do. why i suffer through concerts and music i dislike (this music is not something i dislike, this is spectacular). why i drag myself, tired and exhausted, to work after concert weeks.
this surpasses even the recordings of the randol bass music back in january that we did.
i have no words to describe the feelings. i’m trying. but they fail me. they don’t do it justice. it’s something you have to experience and i don’t know that i can write about it.
not yet anyway.
it’s transcendent. it’s something so beautiful, it hurts.
we met sidlin tonight
the maestro for sunday’s concert rehearsed us tonight for the first time. he is quite animated and a true artist, for sure. i was a bit mesmerized by him, as i usually am by men like this. he reminded me slightly, of him (you-know-who).
but i digress.
i have much much to say about this concert and the rehearsal, but i am really too tired to do the subject justice at the moment. i took copious notes, however, so i will be writing about it.
yes, i take notes during concerts and rehearsals. i know, i’m a weirdo. i have to stop writing them right in the score though, because we got yelled at last time we turned music in, for too much writing in the scores. so i devised a way to attach some blank sheets of paper to the back of the score, to scribble things. i still wrote in the score margins, when i couldn’t turn back fast enough. oh well, it’s a bit better anyway.
what sorts of things do i write? details about the place, people, experience, feelings, music, things the maestro might say or explain. anything really that comes to mind or i hear or whatever. these things turn into poems and stories and parts of my novel. i can’t help myself.
anyway. more about all this probably not until sat. i have rehearsals every night but that night.
off to bed. peace.
