i bought a new car, finally, over labor day weekend. it’s a pretty aloe green camry. i love it. of course, my dreams of working/studying overseas will now be on hold for the next five years. ah well. it’s okay. that didn’t seem to be working out anyway. in good time…

i barely hear from forrest since he began his PhD program. i’m okay with that, though i did miss him a great deal at first, because he was my person to do artsy things with and then he was gone. but i’ve started doing those things again, without him, and it’s okay. i’m sure we’ll connect again at some point. i refuse to make all the effort with a man anymore, however. and we were only friends anyway, though he sometimes made comments to the contrary. weirdly.

the state is fucked as far as the budget goes. worrying a little about my job. but trying not to fret too much. keeping it in the back of my mind…

i have new neighbors downstairs, and of course, it didn’t take long for me to hate them. inconsiderate assholes, as always. but they are the least aggravating of the three i’ve had since moving here, so i try to remind myself of that fact.

remember my crush on the horn player? ah yes. we did email each other a bit in the summer. he promised he would make a point to speak to me at our first concert, now that he knew who i was. so i waited for that to happen, and FINALLY after the concert (to be fair, there was no other time it was possible to talk) he waited until we were the last two people on stage. he let all the women in front of me off stage first (it’s usual for us to defer to the musicians, but he waited this time, for us) and there we were. when i got down the risers close to him, he looked down and i looked down (i told him i was shy) and i said “hi” and he said “hi” back. i couldn’t believe it. here’s the thing: he waited for all of us, and there i was, perfect opportunity, but there was one small problem? another musician waited too and that made me feel very nervous and scared to say more. if he hadn’t been standing there, i would have said something more, but being shy…i did not. so i was upset for a bit, but now am over it. i’ll speak to him, of course, if he tries again. or if he tries at all. he could be an idiot for all i know, but his music makes me shiver. seriously, i fall asleep to his music on a regular basis. it soothes me. so no matter what, there will always be that

there are three men at work this year, who i have connected with a bit. two of them are counselors and one is a tech guy (former art teacher). the counselors have befriended me and i really look forward to the one in particular, coming in to visit me. this past fri. he spent the whole day in the libr and we talked all day, off and on. i feel he was on the verge of asking me to do something, but then seemed to chicken out. he’s a bit older than me, and i don’t feel particularly attracted to him, but if he asked me out, i would go. sometimes these things change as i get to know someone. oh, and here’s something: it’s completely obvious that he likes me, asks me how i am, inquires about my life, is polite, kind, considerate, etc. etc. he hugged me goodbye at the end of the day. well, he’s a friend anyway. in a sea of misery in the inner city, one needs a few friends.

the other counselor is a black guy with dreads and soft spoken. he’s probably pretty young, but we gravitated to each other immediately. don’t know him as well, but i’ll see him tomorrow. he’s in my bldg on monday’s. more to come, on him, i am sure.

and the tech guy. he’s DANGEROUS. i must confess that i signed up for the 6 session workshop that i did, partly because i knew he’d be teaching it. he’s utterly hot. big guy, clearly works out. bald. i think in his late 50’s. i can’t tell if he’s married or not, but i’m hoping NO. throughout the first entire session, we stared at each other. then i got freaked out and couldn’t look at him anymore. he kept mentioning things about himself that i strangely, have in common with him (though he doesn’t know that yet) he was in my bldg the other day, for a training thing, and once we ran into each other and i saw that look on his face…then he came through my libr, two times. uh huh.

i feel some hot sex coming into my life. lol.

jesus i hope so. i’m SO tired of being celibate.