it’s likely that most of you have gone long ago, and stopped looking to see if i’ve updated. that’s fine. a new crop of readers perhaps may appear. perhaps not. in any case, i really blog for myself, not anyone else. and i can’t say what i really want to, anywhere else, but here. well, i did take a stab at the oldschool journal, written by hand, which of course has it’s place, but this is more convienent too.

and i’m angry. anger always gets me writing. because it’s a way to vent and get out my feelings, as it always has been.

so i’m here again. welcome back.

there’s been a lot, but then again, nothing, going on.

here’s the short-list:

i survived summer school, which is when i last posted here, i believe. unless i’m desperate for money, i’ll never do it again. and if i do, it would only be for the AM session, never again the afternoon.

at the end of the summer, i was diagnosed by my doctor as being pre-diabetic. they sent me to a nutritionist, who calculated the carbs, fat, and calories i should be eating, in order to stabilize my blood sugar and to lose weight. even before i saw her, i researched new recipes, bought 3 diabetic cookbooks, cleaned out my kitchen and re-organized it, and started to eat differently. by the time i saw her, i’d already lost 6 pounds. it’s now two months later, and i’ve lost 24 pounds. i am dancing again too, and lifting weights, but i think i’m going to have to amp it up and go to a gym. i’ll be looking into that soon. many of my clothes no longer fit, and the ones that do, will not fit after i lose another 20 pounds. since my highest weight (when i was living in ithaca) i have now lost almost 50 pounds. i have strength and endurance and energy i haven’t had in years and i sleep better as well as my mood is better and just all around clearer in thought and behavior. i cannot believe the difference in only two months. i go back to the doctor at the end of this month, to have blood work done again, and i hope that my tests will now be in the normal range. in any case, i have this clear picture in my head of what i will look like a year from now, and it’s not going away. this time i got the kick in the ass i needed. and it’s working. i feel healthier than i have in many many years.

since summer school sucked so badly, i decided to take full advantage of my insurance benefits. so i got a new pair of glasses (all paid for)–trifocals, i was having trouble reading my music and watching the conductor, so that’s what i ended up with. blended lenses, but they did make me feel a tiny bit old, i must admit.

i also started seeing a therapist. which i have wanted to do for a very long time, but could never afford it ($110 a session was too much). but my insurance only requires a FIVE dollar copay. yippee. everytime i pay, someone says “wow, you have good insurance” yeah, you need it working in the city. but i am seeing the therapist solely to focus on my problems with men. it turns out, according to the objective one, that perhaps i don’t have as many problems as i once thought. i have all these myths about myself with regard to men, and she’s helping me dispell them. she also has really highlighted and pointed out the poor behavior of online crush toward me, and has not given him any outs or excuses. well, with the exception of once, she said that maybe he really truly is so unaware of his own behaviour, that he really DOES think he hasn’t been unkind to me. he’s the reason i went in the first place. i felt (and still am feeling today, which i will explain in a min) very fucked up over what happened (or DIDN’T) with him. i couldn’t make sense of it, and it hurts me so much. the only other time i remember feeling so fucking at loose ends over something, like, i really needed closure that i wasn’t getting, was when i had my abortion with charlie. that bastard. i couldn’t fathom that either.

i have been much better as of late (until yesterday), not reading his blog, not emailing. he refused to respond to me so many times at the beginning of the summer, after i sent him the book of photos i’d made, that i just couldn’t take it any more. his last email to me was him basically calling me crazy (paranoid) and then i never heard from him again. yes, he managed to make me fucking crazy and then got away with ignoring me so much that i finally went away. this was, i’m sure, his hope, that i would be the one to act out, so he could blame me and make me go away. much easier than to deal with me honestly and openly. but why would i think anything would ever change there anyway? so the therapy has been good, but when i go next time, i’ll have to admit that i fucking broke down and looked at his stupid blog (we are “friends” on facebook, but i never ever look at his page and i hid his feed because i knew i’d be constantly aggravated by the public persona that i know doesn’t match how he has behaved toward me) and then i noticed he’s on twitter and then i looked at who he was “following” and then i noticed many of them were much younger women, and then i noticed all his comments to one in particular, who publicly shows a half naked photo of herself giving the finger to the camera and blabbering on and on about drinking and other immature bullshit. really. is that what he spends his time on? is that what he wants? someone half his age who is an embarrassment in public? it’s one thing if she did it anonymously, but to post that stuff under your real name? oh wait, maybe it’s not her real name. he’s almost 50 years old, chasing after some vapid (and he talks about other people being vapid, please), girl who talks about wanting to be more slutty? wow. and here i thought that his problem with me was that i wasn’t smart enough or “important” enough. apparently, i was wrong about that. what i’m so angry about are all the excuses, but for these other “women” he seems to have all the time in the world. but now i sound crazy, don’t i? who the fuck knows. i can’t care anymore. i’m pretty fucking angry right now, and i deserve it. i SHOULD NOT LOOK. and i was doing so well too. i’ll go back to not looking, because as always, i just end up feeling hurt and used. despite this temporary setback, therapy is helping. the power of his false persona is fading in my life.