for those of you who aren’t on FB, that’s where i’ve been posting mostly. can’t be bothered to write full length exposes of my life at the moment, though i will write one tonight, i suppose.

i’m working summer school. it’s kicking my ass. in addition, i have just finished 5 days of teaching courses at the techr center. i didn’t NEED the money, because i’d saved enough to get through the summer. however, i wanted the extra money to pay down my debt so my credit score would go up. which it has. almost 30 points in a little over a month. not to mention i found numerous errors on my reports so i disputed them and they were corrected (at least, on one report so far). so i expect it to go up further when these changes are recorded.

i want to buy a new car (need to, in fact) and want to (need to, again) buy a house as well. because i work in the city, i’ll be eligible not only for the 8K tax thing, but for up to 10K towards closing costs and downpayment. so. i don’t want to miss out on this stuff.

besides my car continues to make weird noises and i continue to have problems with inconsiderate and noisy neighbors. and the day i move out of here and get away from that psycho across the street will be a day to celebrate. i avoid going out because i can’t stand the thought of seeing him. and he’s ALWAYS loitering around outside when it’s nice out and SHE isn’t home. what a dick.

summer school sucks. i cannot explain, nor will you understand even if i tried to explain, just how horrible it is. a nightmare. truly unbelievable, and those of you who know me, know that i have seen some pretty bad shit when i was a social worker.

of any job i have ever done, with possibly subbing in the same category, no job has ever, ever, been so horrible.

i never understood until now, now that i’ve been doing it.

i can’t wait until the end of july. it will be over.

on other notes: i sang all weekend and it was a wonderful relief from the stress of all of this. it truly is my only joy lately. once again, music saves me. as it always has.

and it helped that i got to see my crush, the princ horn player (should i link to his site so you can see? hmmmm. what if he should have stats…?) all weekend. i mean, of course, he doesn’t SPEAK  to me (well, he did once, when i said something first) but he’s nice eye candy. he is my “type” if i have one, that’s for sure. of course, i rarely if ever go out with my type, but i sure am attracted to this physical type of man. and the music thing, well, who could ask for anything else?

his playing soothes me. sincerely. just hearing him play relaxes me.

of course he’s probably married or gay. but a girl can fantasize.

i’ve pretty much given up on the whole dating/sex/love thing anyway. i mean, i’m open to it someday happening to me again, but i don’t think much about it happening anymore.

the sex part i think about, because i do miss that. but the aggravation and pain part i have had quite enough of.

OC has completely, 100% blown me off now. apparently the book meant nothing. gee, what a surprise. i get treated like crap by him? who knew. of course, the last i heard from him, he did call me paranoid and was sarcastic and nasty to me. as if his behavior has been nothing but stellar. whatever. i know the truth. i know my heart and head and intentions. and i know his. and the two shall never meet. too bad for me i wouldn’t see it or accept it sooner. it sure never hurt him. only me.

onward.

i’ve been reading a little, and writing too. working on the book manuscript. hope to get it done before the end of the summer.

watching movies, going out occasionally.

one of my married guy friends has been really communicating and wanting to hang out with me. like, every day. i kind of blew him off tonight. he’s been really nice and supportive to me, but it’s starting to feel a little weird. i like his wife and even if i didn’t, i’d still feel weird. because i’m pretty sure he’s not telling her that he’s been hanging out with me. which is not good. she’s away at the moment. so he has all this free time. also maybe not so good. i got a little bit of a weird vibe from him last night. i’m not attracted to him, for the record, and i could of course, just be misreading things (prob), but anyway…

forrest has been gone now a month. i only heard once from him, a group email. nothing else.

i mailed him a real letter, but so far, no response.

oh well. he was acting so weird before he moved. saying stuff about me moving there (though i was NEVER more than a friend) and then when i’d call him on it, he’d back track completely. it caused some weirdness and upsettness. sometimes i still can’t believe he’s gone already…

and then there’s this thing that happened today. i was driving from the workshop to school and i happened to be thinking about D, the man who i had that crush on for 15 years, who died suddenly last sept (and i got the text message from his cousin telling me he passed), and i looked at the truck in front of me and the license plate was HIS EXACT FIRST FULL NAME.

his name is not common at all. and there it was. and i was just telling someone about him yesterday too.

i felt comforted by that…

PS–recently i was talking to someone about how i used to dance every day, and that’s when i felt happiest. and the person said “why aren’t you dancing then?” and i said, that’s a good question…considering that dance studio i went to before i moved. i want to try again. i guess, after i broke my pelvis, i stopped doing a lot of things…

we shall see.