felt through most of the symphony tonight. my folder was vibrating. my feet were vibrating. the music was running like electricity along my arms and the nape of my neck. i was soothed and mesmerized and overwhelmed and pleased and melancholy. watching our maestro is the mesmerizing part. the percussion and brass are the overwhelming part. the pianissimo vocal entrances were electricity and the solos were melancholy.

it was an outstanding evening. we got a huge “true” standing ovation. that’s when the audience is up on their feet at the cutoff, which happened tonight. no lollygagging–oh-those-few-people-in-the-front-are-standing-so-better-i ovation, but a real one. lots of cheering and bravos and whistling it was awesome

but i must say, my favorite part was when the chorus was singing this amazing fortissimo in the last movement, and we were doing it pretty well, and i glanced at the princ cellist, who is always playing around and joking and being an idiot a lot of the time (though he never does it when the maestro is directing, i’ve noticed) and he just began beaming as we sang that particular part. nodding his head as he played and beaming from ear to ear.

clearly he was pleased by us and that pleased me. it felt like, if we got HIM to feel that way, then we really did do a fantastic job.

if it wasn’t for the chorus, i’d have little to look forward to. that’s how i’ve been feeling. when i couldn’t sing during the winter because of that crappy adjunct thing i did, i felt stifled and frustrated mainly because i wasn’t singing.

and when i was in ithaca i missed the chorus more than i missed a lot of other things. more than just about anything.

i am eternally grateful that i get to sing with them. truly.

i used to say when i was in school, HS especially, that music saved me. my clarinet saved me. it’s still true to this day.

i’ve been having a very tough time again, lately, for various reasons i feel are out of my control, and the thing that redeems and makes me able to cope, is performing.

that’s it.

i’m not sure if i’m really a poet before anything else. sometimes i think i’m really a musician before anything else.

i still have dreams of playing clarinet again someday…

so he’s got these yucky photos of himself floating around. i mean, i like any photo i see of him, but i know he looks so much better in person than these unflattering shots i keep seeing. so i offer, selfishly, to take some decent photos of him. i’ve said that before, when he still liked me (if he ever did) and he agreed to let me take them.

of course it never happened, as has most of the other things we talked about…never happening…

but anyway. i wrote and told him i wanted to take some with my new camera, that he can use for PR shots–i’d give him permission to use them however he wants.

no answer.

of course.

but last night, i had a very vivid dream about him (all my dreams of him—which happen about once or twice a year–are very vivid). i dreamed that he argued with me about the photos and sent me one that was taken recently, to prove to me that he in fact DOES look nice in them.

lol.

he sent me this photo in which he was all wet. his hair was all black again, but very straight and slicked back, all wet, from his face. it was long and straggly.

he looked horrible. i just sighed and then i woke up.

doesn’t he know what a good partner i’d make for him?

photos, research, editing (i’m a much better editor than i am a writer), organize his papers, manage his schedule, AND hot sex?

and maybe i’d even keep his dammed house clean (though i’d harrass him about being a slob).

not to mention i am more devoted and loyal than he could know.

and

i am talented, and maybe i don’t possess high profile connections or high profile employment, but i would love him.

and that’s what he needs.

as if i know what he needs… how very presumptous of me.

he can’t even see what’s right in front of his face.

or more like it, i can’t see what’s right in front of my face.

he doesn’t love me, won’t love me, doesn’t even seem to like me very much anymore.

i guess i need some sort of distraction. i mean, he’s the distraction.

easier to love someone when you don’t really have to deal with them.

he needs a decent photo. just saying…

i’m constantly being tested.

if it’s not about men, it’s about money, or it’s about work

i suppose we all feel that way.

online crush got the book. finally. i waited for almost 2 weeks for him to go to his office and pick it up. apparently it was not a priority, until i sent an email practically crawling on my knees begging for him to please make sure it wasn’t intercepted by someone else. then he did get it. he said something nice, and that was okay. but of course, there was still a part of me that wanted more from him. that wanted him to say more or suggest seeing me or something.

but he didn’t. and i knew, in my heart, he would not.

his FB lists him as single, but that was more than a month ago, and i can’t bear to look at his profile very often. the women who post comments there and all that kind of crap upsets me too much. and his responses and just all of it. it’s better i don’t look. but who knows, maybe he’s in a relationship.

anyway. it doesn’t matter. he sure as hell doesn’t want me anymore.

sigh…it still makes me feel very sad when i think about it…

work has been fairly low key since we closed the libr to students. lots of loose ends and dirty work to complete.

looks like i’ll be doing summer school after all. need the cash. i would be okay, but since my car is always on the fringe lately, and one other thing has come up, i can’t say no to extra money.

hopefully next year i’ll get the whole summer off.

F is moving on monday. tomorrow will be the last we see each other. i hope we see each other. he left under weirdness last week, for that week of test correcting. we shall see…

did i mention i’ve been courted to apply for a HS libr position in a district about 50 min from here? yeah. weird. i don’t know anyone there so not sure how that came about. but i will apply. i do like HS the best, as it happens.

off to weekend jam-packed with rehearsals and concerts.

peace…

to the blog. as you can see, i barely write much anymore…and i have so many writing/photo projects to complete this summer, i think i may be taking a hiatus.

i get attached to my blogs, weirdly. it’s hard to end them. i wonder if i’ll start a new one?

don’t really know.

i’d really like to write about my inner city school teaching experiences, but i do worry about anonymity.

on other notes: my nephew turns 21 this saturday. he’s got a fellowship to do research this summer with prominent cancer research center. still playing the trumpet. he’s awesome.

F is moving june 15th. there is some weirdness going on between us. i was having a hard time this past weekend, because it’s hitting me, that he’s been basically my most constant artistic companion. i do all my artistic things with him. and then he’s leaving. i cried the other night and he just made jokes to try and deflect it. which of course, made it worse. then he said he’d see me tues but then blew me off. now he’s in kentucky grading nat exams for a week…sigh…made a photo book of bflo for him…it’s good he’s going–great that he got into that PhD program. i’m glad for him. but i wonder what i’ll do all summer…

have a huge stack of books to read. need to work on poetry manuscript.

off…