felt through most of the symphony tonight. my folder was vibrating. my feet were vibrating. the music was running like electricity along my arms and the nape of my neck. i was soothed and mesmerized and overwhelmed and pleased and melancholy. watching our maestro is the mesmerizing part. the percussion and brass are the overwhelming part. the pianissimo vocal entrances were electricity and the solos were melancholy.

it was an outstanding evening. we got a huge “true” standing ovation. that’s when the audience is up on their feet at the cutoff, which happened tonight. no lollygagging–oh-those-few-people-in-the-front-are-standing-so-better-i ovation, but a real one. lots of cheering and bravos and whistling it was awesome

but i must say, my favorite part was when the chorus was singing this amazing fortissimo in the last movement, and we were doing it pretty well, and i glanced at the princ cellist, who is always playing around and joking and being an idiot a lot of the time (though he never does it when the maestro is directing, i’ve noticed) and he just began beaming as we sang that particular part. nodding his head as he played and beaming from ear to ear.

clearly he was pleased by us and that pleased me. it felt like, if we got HIM to feel that way, then we really did do a fantastic job.

if it wasn’t for the chorus, i’d have little to look forward to. that’s how i’ve been feeling. when i couldn’t sing during the winter because of that crappy adjunct thing i did, i felt stifled and frustrated mainly because i wasn’t singing.

and when i was in ithaca i missed the chorus more than i missed a lot of other things. more than just about anything.

i am eternally grateful that i get to sing with them. truly.

i used to say when i was in school, HS especially, that music saved me. my clarinet saved me. it’s still true to this day.

i’ve been having a very tough time again, lately, for various reasons i feel are out of my control, and the thing that redeems and makes me able to cope, is performing.

that’s it.

i’m not sure if i’m really a poet before anything else. sometimes i think i’m really a musician before anything else.

i still have dreams of playing clarinet again someday…