Archive for June, 2009
a possible explanation…
When I read this article, this is what has happened to me. And still, when I read that the underlying reason for this behavior is self-loathing, I cry for him. It hurts me that this could be the reason for this behavior. Even after all he’s done to hurt me, I still have empathy and pain for his pain. Pain he probably doesn’t even acknowledge. But it’s there, because no way in hell could someone treat another person like this, if they weren’t at some level, very much in pain. I know he brought out this co-dependence in me that I’d thought I’d worked on and gotten rid of–obviously still is present in me at some level. But I always wanted just to love him. My feelings were real. That’s the best I can do and I have to live with it.
When the end comes it doesn’t arrive quickly. The Narcissist may come back for more when other NSSs aren’t in ready supply or not doing their jobs properly. They may even enlist the aid of their friends to bring you back to the fold or intimidate you. Or maybe you will try to go back to them because you miss their presence in your life (which is usually the result of a loss of adrenaline that was previously generated by the highs and lows that interactions with Narcissists bring). You’re unlikely to get any closure on the basis that you to and fro or because there isn’t going to be a happy ending where you’re going to get the answers you need to feel happy about what happened in order to be able to put a lid on it.
Secondly, the Narcissist isn’t going to be spending time worrying about how you’re feeling or analysing their part in what went wrong in your “relationship”. This is because they won’t think they’ve done anything wrong and they don’t like to dwell on any negative emotions. In fact it’s likely they will feel a sense of relief that they no longer have to work so hard at keeping up appearances. They’ll just go and find another NSS to replace you, if they’re good looking or successful it won’t take them long so rest easy for them. Talk about it out loud, analyse it till you’re blue in the face, anything that helps you to process what’s happened and learn from it.
i think i found a car
the kia forte. lots of nice options and standard features. the right size. and the price is actually fairly reasonable, compared at least, to other cars very similar.
of course i’m not ready to buy it just yet. hanging on for as long as possible…get through the summer. pay off a couple of other bills first, get a decent down payment together and hopefully, i can buy a car after we go back to school.
my salary should make a jump of 2 steps (brd lost in court to the union) and maybe even see some retro pay (doubtful). plus 1K for a week of training at the end of the summer. and let’s not forget summer school. but that money will go to pay off the old bills.
anyway. i am hopeful i can swing this before the new year at least.
and the thing is, i will REALLY appreciate it when it happens. i’ve waited a long long time and been through a lot of crap with the car and money.
the best laid plans….this is what i’m considering anyway. we shall see…
two things
i got a personal email today and was personally invited by the princ of that rural district to apply for the position next year. this is invitation #2. they must not be getting a lot of applications, or they are being really picky about who to interview. it sounds pretty much like they will interview me. apparently, one of my old professors recommended me.
hmmmm.
but here’s the even better second thing of today:
i got an email from my director asking me to call him, which i promptly do.
he tells me, and it’s like he’s whispering, that i can’t tell anyone about our conversation.
to make a long story short, he may, (may) be able to get me into the school i want to be in. per.frm.ng arts acdmy.
whoo hooo!
don’t tell a soul. it’s not for sure, but we both know i am the perfect person for that position.
so i have two good possibilities.
i feel hope.
now if i could just get all this old financial stuff FINALLY taken care of (yes, some bullshit has once again reared its ugly head) then i’d feel much better.
it’s not like it won’t be taken care of (i’m not writing about the latest thing that happens to not be my fault and a big mistake and no one seems to care so i guess i need a lawyer to take care of it), but it’s just very stressful having to deal with it.
i’m coping by immersing myself in music.
so that’s the newest scoop. we shall see…
i know i should be sleeping
…but i wanted to just say that our concert was even better today than yesterday. it was outstanding. my whole body was shaking by the end of the mahler 2nd. i don’t know why, but it wasn’t bad. it’s just never happened before to me. i was torn between sheer joy on my face and tears. it was very very emotional.
at one point near the end, JoAnn lifted her arms and face to the sky in this amazing supplication—it’s always like she’s dancing when she conducts— and we were all so moved by that.
and the orchestra. it was just amazing. all of it.
then they held a reception for all of us at a shishi club in the courtyard.
i had a such a wonderful day. the concert, the weather, the reception. posted photos on flickr. look there.
AND i finally got to speak to the princp french hrn, who i have a crush on.
he’s divine 
sigh…back to real life tomorrow.
i love the chorus. i love it. love it. there were moments today when i felt transported elsewhere, lifted beyond this world, transfigured, and a part of this huge community of artists all in search of that perfect translation of the music. it was stupendous. words cannot do it justice.
and that’s why there is music, after all 
and another music (and writing) thing…
a woman in the chorus told me she just sang last month at the concentration camp, that piece we did last year. the one i wrote the article about for the nat. chorus org. apparently, someone (i’m not sure who, maybe the maestro himself? don’t know) distributed my article to all the singers who were going on the trip, a couple weeks before the trip. my singing friend told me she met this man on the trip who she became good friends with, and he told her that one of the MAIN reasons he decided to go on the trip was my article. he was so moved by it, he wanted to go and sing it there.
that was so very very nice of her to tell me about it.
it made me feel good that people appreciated it. i know my friends did, but strangers too. i guess i’m both–a writer and a musician.
and according to comments made today by F and friends, also a photographer who should be selling books of photography.
well, that’s on the list too. i’m getting there.
