i finally had the ugly, disgusting, cutaneous growth on my eyelid removed today. i feel lighter. seriously. i could see it all the time in recent months, and it hurt and even felt annoying every time i blinked. and then it started to bleed and then i got that infection in that eye and now it’s GONE.

they made me take a pregnancy test beforehand, despite my intense protestations that THERE IS NO WAY I AM PREGNANT.

you’re 43?

yes.

you still get your period?

yes.

then you could get pregnant.

well that would mean i’d have to have sex, which i NEVER HAVE.

well we have to check. it will be the immaculate conception then.

(me thinking — why don’t they BELIEVE ME?)

i could have been pissed, but i took it as: someone thinks its possible i am having sex and worthy of sex, and someone thinks i could still have a baby.

it made me realize, yet again, what a miracle that would be in my life…

anyway. once they did that, the nurse was going to puncture my arm. i said right away that it’s hard to find a vein. she moved to the top of my hand. still had to try twice.

then comes the anesthestist. more asking about the immaculate conception that wasn’t. then they tipped my head back and put 4 sets of drops in each eye and then some weird gel and then swabbed over my closed eyes.

everything was blurry and then the sedation. wheeled me into the surgery room. big huge orbs of light over me. they looked a little like jewels, actually.

lots of talking among the staff. they clamped my wrists in some metal things. i guess i couldn’t flail around if i got freaked.

some talk about some medicine that makes your tongue grow black hair.

did i really hear that?

then the doctor. he’s awesome. i really like him. nice voice and just a great bedside manner.

so he starts. they give me a shot above my eyelid. that hurt. then he clipped away. then he burned the edges. then he just clipped off a very small beginning growth near my right eyelid.

done.

he was pleased with his work, as were the nurses. as they wheeled me back out, he said “now you’re beautiful again. now you’re beautiful again.”

what a sweet man.

at least someone thinks i’m beautiful.

you know what? i think i’ve had that growth since online crush and i started. he doesn’t talk to me anymore. and now it’s gone.

i know they aren’t connected. but maybe they are…

so i went to a friend’s book launch last night. the friend who has that friend who i met last oct. i think it was oct. you probably have no idea who i am talking about. i can’t remember what his nickname is here, but anyway…i had/have a crush on him. i remember the night i met him and i was immediately attracted to him, to the point of annoyance. here is where i last spoke of him (see bottom of post).

anyway. he was at the reading last night, and as is my way when i am very attracted to someone, as soon as i saw him, i turned away from him. as soon as he walked in. i couldn’t help it. and really, what does it matter because he isn’t interested in me anyway.

and i saw he was on FB with mutual friend so i added him, but no reply. well, he didn’t reply to the reading invite either, so maybe he’s just not been on…i wasn’t really that concerned, i guess…

so i ignored him, basically. but i was a bundle of nerves anyway. wanting to look at him but not wanting him to catch me.

and because i have to act as defensively as possible, i sat in a corner alone and put my drink and purse on the chair next to me, so as to be sure that i wouldn’t feel slighted when he did not sit next to me.

it’s called a pre-emptive strike, no?

anyway. he did sit near me. across the aisle. i thought it was him but refused to look to be sure, and about half way through the readings, he reached over and poked my shoulder very gently.

obviously i could not ignore him. so i looked at him (dammit, that same butterfly fucking reaction) and he waved to me and smiled and mouthed the word “hi.”

i smiled and mouthed “hi” back. but then looked down and got all shy again.

dammit. i wanted to be mad at him to make it easier.

but he refused to let me. i know he knows i like him, because G knows. i told G and i think G may have mentioned to the handsome one, that i was hurt.

it seems like he might have. because last time, he didn’t go out of his way to get my attention. he was polite, but this time was different. and he was actually pretty flirtatious after the reading too.

i do know, as i mentioned before, that he’s having a hard time i guess, because the gf who broke up with him last year, apparently is with his best friend. well, i guess i can see how you’d be gun shy…but he doesn’t like me anyway.

at least i felt like he wasn’t avoiding me because he finds it appalling that i like him. that’s something. i did hear him discussing counseling he is attending.

i know F told me about the gf betrayal so i would feel better about him ‘rejecting’ me. it did make me feel better. i realize it’s not me.

but i’ve had enough of the men who’ve been dumped by other women thing…online crush was obviously one of them.

i bet he’s still not over second ex wife. he still mentions her. he makes a joke of being divorced twice, as if it’s something to be proud of.

i think the first time was probably mutual, but the second time, she blew him away. that’s the way i see it. he’s never told me that, but i think it’s obvious from his behavior. i also wonder if it’s ever occurred to him that i was more devoted and loyal to him for longer than her? that’s also another guess, but my math is probably correct. can you imagine if he’d just let me in, given me a real chance, just how much more devoted i would have been? i never would have left him. if i tolerated this for so long, he’d never have had to worry about me leaving him if he actually made some fucking effort. but obviously he doesn’t give a fuck.

he’d tell me i’m assuming. whatever. what else is there to do but make assumptions based on behavior?

actions speak louder than words.

that tap on my shoulder was a complete surprise, but it seemed to make it all better…

i’ve noticed that i’ve been “attracting” a certain type of man to me lately, that is somewhat different than the type i’ve attracted in the past.

calm men. men who reassure me. men who calm me down. men who are patient. solid. men who are men and not afraid to behave like men. men who aren’t ambivalent. men who are emotional. men who are supportive.

i’m thinking of two lately. thepoet and the spanishteacher.

thepoet is of course married, but he is still much of the above to me, nonetheless. i always feel better when he’s at work or when i see him. he wasn’t there today and i felt a bit bereft. even if we don’t get a chance to talk much, just knowing he’s around, makes me calmer.

spanishteacher is the other one. he’s been much more attentive and present to me. maybe it’s because he only wants that summer job working with me, but still, today he was so sweet and calm when i was having a little freak out moment about finding families to host for this program. he came over to me and it almost felt like he wanted to put his arm around me. he told me not to worry and to “pray.” he looked happy to see me when i came out of my office. i think he was.

maybe it’s not just the job. anyway. it is so dammed nice to be treated well by men.

perhaps the tide is changing.

supportive? communicative? emotionally capable? respectful? attentive?

wow.

back to the work i need to finish. momentary lapse.

i have conjunctivitis. it sucks. my eye is so sore and puffy and i stayed home from work today. i could barely open my eye this AM at all so i called in around 5 AM.

i have nothing much to say.

have accepted summer coord job. spanish teacher says he wants to do it also.

he’s kinda cute, as i’ve mentioned. i’ve noticed him looking at me when i’m not paying attention. i turn around and he’s checking me out. which i would like, except i’ve been feeling really fat lately, though at the doctor’s the scale did not indicate i’ve gained any real weight.

just must be more flabby.

so that’s all. nothing very exciting going on otherwise.