but i don’t feel like it, so i’ll just scramble to get my shit together before class tomorrow and once again blow off emailing the dean about my absentee students (which i am told, everyone has and it’s the norm, unfortunately).

who knew teaching college would be so dammed fun?

did i mention too that i got a request to add my semi-ex-friend (she never really got the hint that i didn’t want to be her friend anymore, and that apparently still has not changed) who stole my most perfect bf ever, in college, when i was away in paris? did i mention she asked to add me to FB? yeah. i was highly annoyed because we have a mutual friend, who i do consider my real friend (old roommate) and that’s how the semi-ex-friend boyfriendstealer found me.

so i waited a few days, just to make her suffer, but i knew it would look childish (okay, so what if it was 22 years ago? so? once a stealer, always a stealer) if i didn’t add her. and i’ve spent enough time looking childish to online crush, so i figured i’d try to get over it and create some good karma.

i added her. but i didn’t comment or message her and she didn’t reciprocate either. but i noticed she’s a FB whore now. over 5oo “friends.” oh but that’s right. in her version of the “friend” universe, she probably thinks she has that many friends.

what’s the story anyway? i’ll tell you. i was madly in love with A and we broke up before i went to paris to study. this was after i spent time with him at MV at his families summer home there. father a prof at columbia, la la la. rich coke-head friends. he was really weird up there, and frankly, i just did not fit in. and i never would. not of the elite set, and never really want to be. i come from a blue-collar family where my mom was the first to finish college. and that’s fine. i’m proud of the work they all did. so i didn’t fit in. at the time it was very painful, but now i see it for what it was. hypocrisy and selfishness and superficial bullshit (not all MV peeps are this way, as my other old BF S–y is a testament to–very loving and kind and unselfish man).

anyway. i went to paris. but i was still in love with A. meanwhile, bfstealer was showing A my letters i’d sent to her and telling me that she’d “run into him.” all the while knowing i still loved him. but he wouldn’t reciprocate and so i found my gorgeous bf hamid by that time. i wasn’t in love with him, but he was stunningly handsome (literally, friends mouths would drop open when they met him) and he also was very loving.

now that i think about it, wtf? why was i so fucking stupid back then? honestly…

so i return finally, only to discover that A nd bfstealer are now living together. HUH? turns out she was getting kicked out of her house and so she used him, as i knew, but he didn’t. she dumped him 6 months later to travel with some big researcher in australia.

if it had been true love, i would have understood. but i always knew it wasn’t.

and everyone knew but me. i was, as they say, the last to know. i had a very hard time trusting anyone after that, including friends.

i don’t care about it all now, but i figured she just wanted to see what i was up to.

no bfstealer, i’m not married, i have never been married, i don’t have any children and probably never will at this point. i don’t have a rich husband and i don’t have a lucrative career.

but i get to do what i love. and i know who i am. and i’m an artist, whether anyone else recognizes it or not.

so fuck her. i got hits on my sites that i link to from FB, from the place she lives. yeah. i know you’re looking. good.

which brings me, somehow, to online crush. someone recently told me that he finds me DULL.

dull? is that it? is that the reason he would never go any further with me? wow. NO ONE that REALLY knows me would EVER use that term to describe me. oversensitive, dramatic, emotional; yes. but boring?

just goes to show you, he doesn’t really know me. never gave me a chance. i just felt like bitching about it now.

or maybe it’s that my father wasn’t a prof at columbia. or I’M not a prof at columbia. just like the problem A apparently had with me. i’m not academic enough. or i don’t use the right vocabulary. or maybe i’m not so completely insanely driven and obsessed with one topic that i’m an expert on it. or maybe i didn’t grow up with the right “connections” so i am not someone deemed important enough.

all assumptions. something I AM good at, according to him.

well let’s see him play three instruments, write his own music, read music,  sing a choral masterwork, and dance. i doubt it.

i’m a little pissy tonight. i know.

and what’s with the old man? seriously. he buys a new computer for xmas, and then, suddenly, without warning, he stops chatting with me, claiming he’s not online anymore. and yet, i see that in fact he is online. just not talking to me. oh. wait. i got one very business-like email about a month ago. yes, i remember now.

this after “i love you” and sending me that gift.

no really. what the fuck was that all about?

think i’m mad? yeah. you’d guess right.

at least online crush never ran around acting like he loved me. jesus. that would be the day, i’m sure. at least he was always a flake. always promising me things and never following through. at least he was consistently difficult.

and then $650 more in car repairs and now it’s “coincidently” making some fucked up noise when i turn on the fan. funny how everytime i have that guy do work on it, something else mysteriously pops up. next time i’ll be taking it elsewhere. even my dad looked shocked at how much he charged me this time.

a bright spot?

i bought two new pairs of shoes tonight. yes. both on clearance. one a pair of black midheel clarks with pretty cutout edging (not so dorky) and the other a pair of stacked heel bronze t-straps with a ruffle along the strap. so very fucking cute. i can’t wait to wear those with a dress when the weather gets warmer.

that’s all. you’re up to date. don’t expect much again for awhile. i’m now even more behind.

but i feel better. i’ve purged.

well i finally buckled down and started to read and grade the papers my college students turned in on thurs.

i knew i shouldn’t have super high expectations, but i just cannot ignore grammatical and spelling errors that CLEARLY would have been, and should have been, caught by spell check.

some papers look like a war zone. one of them talked about wanting to be a doctor. others have very unrealistic opinions of their job options as well. but who am i to shoot them down? i just tell them how bad their papers are.

and look, i offered for at least 2 weeks before it was due, to conference with people, to read their drafts, and we spent a number of classes with at least PART of the time devoted to work on their papers.

so i shouldn’t feel bad about marking the hell out of them.

it’s not really helping them to pretend like they did a good job when they can’t even write a full sentence, put periods on the ends of sentences, and capitalize correctly.

we won’t get into the content part of it.

yeah. i know. a lot of them have had hard lives. but they should not have been allowed in college. how does this happen? seriously. it’s that bad. i am sure some people will just give up and stop coming.

but i don’t believe in ignoring the truth. some of them just didn’t even bother to spell check the dammed things. how lazy can you be?

so i got my car back today (man, it’s like a NEW vehicle now that i have new struts on it, okay, maybe not new, but you know…) and switched cars with my dad (he let me borrow one of his FOUR cars). we went to dinner and he mentioned that he thought he’d seen my old boss on TV. the p–lot.

i told him yeah, mom saw him too, but i haven’t.

dad: well, i’m not sure it was him.

me: was he fat? mom said he looked fat and old.

dad: yeah, he was fat.

me: really? it was him then.

dad: well it could have been someone else.

me: no. it was him. he has a fl–ght school now too i think.

dad: they said he was a fl–ght instr–ctor.

***more discussion about the time he offered to let me fly the plane in midair and my dad saying i should have done it (despite said p–lot being only 3 years younger than my dad, i think he’s the one man he wouldn’t have cared about that with, because of the whole p–lot/plane thing–even better than cars in his opinion i am sure).***

me: so he was really fat? because that was his big thing and he’d lost like 47 pounds when i knew him and he always picked on me for what i was eating. we always argued about it. how fat was he?

**dad pauses for effect**

dad: well, he’d just  have to take one less bag on board, you know what i mean?

me: lol. yeah. i get it.

so i looked at the TV’s website and found the interview. apparently, he’s the BIG EXPERT now for them. oh. that is SO up his alley. mr. big talker. mr. bullshitter.

here’s the interview. and yeah, he’s looking pretty chunky. and as my mom said, “old.” it’s somewhat satisfying. i used to say, after i left, that he might be a p–lot and have more money than me, etc. but i’d always be 21 years younger than him. i’d always look better

uneventful. thank god. worked all day on my blogs at work (my professional ones) and then taught my class at night. so many people were not there, and now i understand why that other teacher always said before, that i should be happy when they don’t show up. yeah, i get that now. technology wasn’t working however, which was highly annoying, because i pretty much put everything i do online now. so very annoying, but the students are now becoming used to using my site for everything. so that’s something. a couple of them were all amazed that i made my own slideshow. huh? are you kidding? it made me chuckle. hardly impressive. my next step is to try and make a video tutorial of my own. that’s the plan. if nothing else, it will make me more marketable if i need to be.

did i mention my car was leaking gas? that’s fixed, and while he was at it, i had him put on new struts. it’s this guy my dad knows but i still feel like he’s overcharging me. $675 later. he aligned the car too and rotated tires . and put in a new gas line. but still…it just feels like $100 too much.

anyway. i’ll get it back tomorrow. i want it to last until i know what’s going to happen next year jobwise. the economy sucks so bad right now, i have to be frugal.

that’s all. eating toast and drinking some juice before bed.

sleepy…