i’m exhausted.

the poet returned today. he came right in, in the morning, and looked a little startled when he saw that i had a man in my office. no. nothing very exciting. just a grad student getting some observation hours for a class. but it was disappointing, because we couldn’t talk as much as i would have liked. but he did mention that he did a stint at a local college teaching as well. another business-crap-like school and he had a very similar experience as i am having (more on this in a bit). that made me feel better.

actually, when i saw him across the courtyard (my libr is contained in glass on all sides) (looks are deceiving) i felt instantly better than i have in awhile. i felt like i had something to look forward to today.

sure enough, he didn’t disappoint. he had more poems for me to critique for him. and he said he’d be back in later.

when he did come back (three times), each time i was unusually busy with classes (it’s starting to pick up, FINALLY). and then i never got to follow up with him.

but he had mentioned earlier that he was interested in a writing group and wondered if i was also–something being hosted by a local lit ctr. i said i was interested and that i’d give him my email so he could send me the info. instead he wrote down his email.

so i will email him some of my fav poetry links. oh my god. out of all those people, somehow maybe i’ve made a friend. i hope so. it would be a little balm in the sea of misery i currently find myself in.

feeling very very alone and depressed at the moment.

i saw the mathematician yesterday on my way out of the house. i know i have been accused (by the expert on life itself-online crush) of making assumptions (wrongly) but i know mathematician’s sneaky, spying ways good enough to know that he’s figured out my schedule and purposely parked in front of my house and then just “happened” to come out when i was getting in the car. gee. what a surprise.

so as i turned to look down the street, pulling out of the drive, there he fucking was. right in my line of sight. and he waved at me. cautiously, obviously hoping for some sort of response (he got nothing but pursed lips underneath my sunglasses). but i almost drove right into a car coming down the street because he distracted me. nice. he probably would have looked the other way if that had happened.

i drove to work and cried all the way there. not the response i expected. i hate that he makes me upset still. that really bugs me.

anyway.

the poet. a small bright spot.

amidst more garbage going on at my college teaching job. after grading (which was very much like torture) their first papers, i handed them back last night. NOW. there were a few people who totally bombed. and i’m being generous. but many people got A’s (again, mostly being generous). one of the A paper students interrupted me repeatedly in class, demanding that i address her. i told her i’d talk to her after class.

then i gave them all a quiz. the fucking easiest quiz i could imagine giving. as in, what is your general topic (regarding career) and what are the subtopics?

i kid you not, i’ve never witnessed such incredible stupidity in my life. now. i have a lot of patience for teaching people things, it’s the rude, interrupting, bullshit behavior that i am losing my cool over now.

not one of the students in my class understood what a subtopic was. really? are you kidding me? we’ve been talking about it for a week.

then they tried to search for info with their horrible search terms, and gee, what a surprise, “I CAN’T FIND ANYTHING MISS!!!!!!!!’ throwing tantrums, almost. when i’d make suggestions, they’d ignore them and continue to whine and pout and literally, pound their fists.

what a joy it’s been.

back to the little bitch complaining about her A grade. i’m not kidding. she demanded that i change it to a perfect 100. i told her the paper had mistakes and she didn’t deserve a 100. then she tried to demand that i promise if she fixed the mistakes, i’d give her a 100. i told her i would never make that kind of promise, that she had to earn a 100 and no one in the class deserved that at this point. she got rude and loud and belligerent and demanded again and i told her AGAIN, NO.

so she stomped out of class. she, of course, was one of the students who wanted me to do her work for her, while everyone else struggled along for the quiz.

then she apparently stomped off to her english teacher and complained to him about me (she got a FUCKING A, wtf???) and he took a look at her paper (this is what he told me later) and told her HE would not have given her as good a grade as i did. i thanked him.

bitch.

i went to the IT room to return my projector, completely exhausted and upset, and the IT guy asked how it went. i told him it was awful. he said “you’re the 3rd person tonight to tell me that.” then i said “it’s so bad, i feel like crying, and i don’t cry over work.” he said again “you’re the 3rd person to tell me that too.” he looked so sweet and sympathetic.

but it doesn’t help.

i have no desire to do a dammed thing now for that class. i want nothing more to do with it. i’ve had enough. i dread going in and i’m really starting to HATE the students (not all of them). a few of them have approached me after class, mentioning that they can’t believe how some (many) of the others act toward me and just in general. they also tell me they can’t believe how patient i am.i appreciate their input. they’ve also told me about other teachers they have who have to deal with this kind of garbage too. i know they are trying to help. but it’s not right that they should have to put up with this either. not at all.

and  i don’t feel very patient. i feel like i’m really really going to lose it. very soon.

i told someone today that i feel like i’m working in the special ed of colleges. he laughed when i said that, but it’s so true. and i’m sorry to say, these people do not belong in an academic setting. come on, the godammed college advertises. it’s all about money. that’s all they care about. that’s the bottom line.

then last night, after 10PM, i was laying in bed and my fucking asshole neighbor decides to come upstairs to talk to me. i didn’t open the door because i wasn’t dressed, and i was pretty fucking annoyed that he was bothering me so late.

you want to know WHY he was bothering me?

to WARN ME (he used those words) that he was having a party for his birthday on saturday. i was very pissed. so i said that i didn’t expect to be kept up all night.

he said “well, it will probably be going on until 2 in the morning”

i said “well, again, i don’t expect to be kept awake. and i don’t want to hear your bullshit stereo blasting either”

ASSHOLE: well i’ve lived here for eight months now and i’ve NEVER HAD A PARTY.

so? because you live somewhere, you have the right to disturb the neighbors when you feel like it?

me: you can have a party without blasting your stereo. i’m telling you, i don’t want to hear it all night. i actually work for a living and i have work to do on the weekends too. i need to get sleep. every night.

ASSHOLE: well there is going to be like, 25 people here.

me: so? i’m saying it again, i don’t want to be kept up all night.

ASSHOLE: well thanks for being so UNDERSTANDING.

me: oh okay. so i’m just supposed to put up with all your bullshit and never complain or else i’m not being UNDERSTANDING??? you come up here after 10 o clock and you expect me to be happy about it? fuck you.

and i walked away from the door.

so now i feel trapped. if i’m here, he’s going to make sure i suffer. because apparently, just like my asshole students, he believe’s he’s ENTITLED to disturb me and i have no right to say anything now that he’s WARNED me about it.

and if i leave, to actually get some sleep, i feel like he’s just going to do this shit again and again.

and my landlord wants to fuck him, so i get no support from him. he refuses to assist in this bullshit stereo issue.

and now my entire neck, shoulders, and back are spasming. that’s what happens when i’m under tremendous stress.

i am miserable. i want to go back to being happy. i’m trying. it’s not working…