to prague in june, as i think i’ve mentioned. i put down the deposit a couple weeks ago and now i have to put down more a week from today. all the money has to be in by april.

i hope my car doesn’t give me any trouble in the interim.

it’s funny, but i don’t feel excited about it yet. not even close. maybe because it’s not for another 5 months (well, a little less than that).

i was thinking of getting my passport photos taken this weekend, since i need a passport renewal. maybe when i do that, and get the new one back (passport #3), then i’ll feel excited.

i did buy a small clutch that will hold my airline tix, itinerary, passport and other stuff like that, all very nicely. it’s red and it will slip nicely into a carryon bag. it was on sale 55% off. and i bought some red shoes. i know. red shoes sounds so icky, doesn’t it?  tacky. but they are comfy and casual and no, i won’t wear them if i carry the red bag. THAT’S tacky. then i’d look like the idiot across the street’s very poorly dressed wife (remember the time i happened to see her coming out of the house last summer and she was dressed in white sneakers, white pants -pulled up over her waistline, white ugly shirt and carrying a matching [because really, she wouldn't have matched properly without it] white bag–she looked like someone’s 85 year old grandma living in florida)

speaking of the idiot: i talked to my libr friend this week at our inservice day, and she actually brought him up, saying that recently they were all at a meeting and he was very very nervous around her. probably worried she would say something in front of his lovely partner. lol. i told her to make sure she just keeps him wondering what i told her. he’s nervous too, because he probably knows i told her EVERYthing. which i did. and it was cathartic. because someone he knows, now knows the truth about his fucked up behavior. it’s a bonus that it’s someone he works with.

she told me all he said when she mentioned we’d been out to lunch was this: “oh yeah. good people.” as if i’m not one person, but many. that fucker. i really do still hate him when i hear stuff like that.

no keith, how about you tell her the truth? that you considered me “the most exciting woman you’d ever known?”

idiot.

back to my life now. work has been okay, but i did lose my temper at least once this week and the kids were irritating the fuck out of me a couple of other times too. i thought i must have PMS, but it was too early. well. apparently, that’s in fact, what it was. i hate PMS, i think it has ruined a number of my relationships with men. and it may sound like a cop-out, but even if i know i’m overreacting to something, i just can’t stop myself. it’s horrible. it really is horrible. again, i think i’ve ruined relationships because of it.

back to work: here’s the thing: i think people just give up. they give up and say “oh, these kids can’t behave, so i can’t be bothered.”

it’s probably true of a small handful, but the rest of them, CAN BEHAVE. and shame on us for lowering our expectations just to make our lives “easier.” in the end, it doesn’t make anything easier, it creates chaos. and it’s more stressful. i refuse to let things go that should be addressed. i know when to pick my battles, but i’m not going to lower my expectations. how is that teaching them or doing them any favors? it’s not.

i saw a job posted in spain. last year, i didn’t apply for the job in scotland, i did kick myself a number of times, later on, for not at least applying. should i apply for this one now? it might be the time. i have my perm cert now. i have almost 5 years experience. my car’s on it’s last legs. the economy is completely terrible and who knows if i will even have a job next year…

i think i should at least apply. but i don’t speak spanish. but i could learn. i speak french anyway. kind of. not very well, but enough. and that’s one of the 3 languages the students learn in that school.

hrrrrmmmm.

what to do? thoughts?

i have heard little or nothing from the old man. i guess that’s pretty much over. super intensity, the gift, and then the freak out and almost complete disappearance. my cousin M said, “he’ll just do to you what online crush did to you.” yeah. i hate to think that he would, but after this, it seems she may be right…

i find it so interesting how men, in particular, can just shut off someone completely. how they can shut off their feelings and just move on like it never happened. i don’t get it and i can’t be like that. i never have been.

of course, it’s much easier to play around and disappear online than in real life, but honestly, we all know men who do it in real life too.

it’s hurtful. and i’m tired of it.

the weather is to be warm today. perhaps i’ll try to get out and take some new photos with my new camera.

peace.