…that the poet gave me to read, were about palestine. i found that interesting. we’ve never discussed my political views or anything political at all, or war or specifically the middle east. however, one of the two poems i shared with him, was about online crush lecturing (well, there’s a reference to it throughout the poem, but the poem is not about that in total). i made one reference to an olive tree and rusted keys, and that must have been enough for him to know. which impressed me. most people, unless they are paying attention, wouldn’t get that reference.

he’s not arab, btw, but his first name, is actually the last part of online crush’s last name. sort of annoying. it’s not an uncommon name however. he’s actually a black man. i’d say he’s in his mid-fifties. he was looking older, but i noticed this week, that his hair was cut and his beard/goatee was also cut. getting rid of much of the gray around his face. so he looked younger. he’s very very tall, maybe 6′5″ or even a bit taller? or maybe he just feels really tall to me, because he has the most elegant, perfect posture, of anyone i know. the way he moves is incredibly graceful. he exudes a sense of calmness and peace,  which i of course, have been drawn to, seeing as i’ve had little of that in the last little while.

anyway. i don’t know why i’m rambling on about him. i should stop. i guess it’s the first time in a very long time, i feel like i’ve possibly made a new writer friend. someone who isn’t snobby and overly-academic and someone who acts on the things he believes in.

it makes me happy. i feel a tiny bit of hope again. just a tiny bit…

the st–dent who was super rude and disrespectful to me came up to me after class last night (after i treated her absolutely politely, because i don’t hold grudges and know of course, that you have to let them know things are ok) and apologized for the way she talked to me. apparently another te–cher and her mother both got on her case about it. so. i accepted it of course, and listened to her and tried to be supportive.

it’s as if i have to deal with one defiant or acting out student at a time, and once they realize they can’t bully me, then they are fine.

actually, another previously disruptive one caught up to me at the elevator on the way in, obviously wanting to talk to me, and was very eager to tell me he’d revised his paper the way i suggested. he said, “yeah, i kinda did it right before class.” and i said “yes, i could tell. and that’s why i made the suggestions i did, because i know you could do better.”

he smiled and i think he meant it when he said “you’re a good te–cher.”

i was surprised by that, because i feel like the worst te–cher ever at the moment. at least, based on what’s been going on. of course, what’s been going on is their behavior issues and not mine. but being the perfectionist that i am, nothing is ever good enough. and really, it has been very demoralizing, all the stuff they’ve been doing. or should i say, not doing? right.

then today at my “real” job, i had two st–dents who have been doing pretty high level research and a presentation project in my libr, for a state contest. they went to the first round today with their te–cher, after we spent the morning double-checking their bibliographies and running around the bldg looking for a printer that worked. it was fairly stressful, and i was worried for them.

they got back in the afternoon and the princ made an announcement that they took FIRST PLACE. of course, their two te–chers helped the most, but i take credit for proper citation, for sure i saw them coming down the stairs and they waved to me and held up their index fingers and were beaming. then they came in and showed me their trophy.

it made much of the crap i’ve been dealing with worth it. or if not worth it, it reminded me why i love to do what i do. and it also made me happy that kids from the inner city, in a scho–l in need of improv–m–nt, took first place. take that you suburbanites

it just proves to me that if you get a decent te–cher, and they have high expectations, the kids CAN and WILL live up to them. for the most part.

did i mention that the poet said he’s looking forward to seeing me next week? i know. i shouldn’t read too much into it. but at least SOMEone’s looking forward to seeing me.

i think i may cave this weekend, and finally buy a new computer. i’ve been eyeing them for awhile now.  so we’ll see.

so i emailed him. and he emailed back. very very polite. i now know his last name. so i googled him. you know. i can’t resist. name is all over the place for social just–ce issues and teaching, etc. etc.

so not only is he a poet, but cares, apparently deeply, about issues that i also care deeply about.

how did he manage to pick me out from the crowd? and he’s extremely humble too. but maybe that is the origin of the extreme sense of calm he exudes. it’s something i was drawn to almost immediately with him. i feel good in his presence (ha ha, i misspelled good two times as the word ‘god’).

anyway. he sent me the info on the writing group.

i have this sinking feeling they meet on the day of one of my classes that would fucking suck.

can i just quit mid-semester? is that ever possible? because i really feel like i’m being abused verbally. and it’s something i learned a long time ago, not to tolerate under any circumstances, for any reason.

we shall see…

i’m exhausted.

the poet returned today. he came right in, in the morning, and looked a little startled when he saw that i had a man in my office. no. nothing very exciting. just a grad student getting some observation hours for a class. but it was disappointing, because we couldn’t talk as much as i would have liked. but he did mention that he did a stint at a local college teaching as well. another business-crap-like school and he had a very similar experience as i am having (more on this in a bit). that made me feel better.

actually, when i saw him across the courtyard (my libr is contained in glass on all sides) (looks are deceiving) i felt instantly better than i have in awhile. i felt like i had something to look forward to today.

sure enough, he didn’t disappoint. he had more poems for me to critique for him. and he said he’d be back in later.

when he did come back (three times), each time i was unusually busy with classes (it’s starting to pick up, FINALLY). and then i never got to follow up with him.

but he had mentioned earlier that he was interested in a writing group and wondered if i was also–something being hosted by a local lit ctr. i said i was interested and that i’d give him my email so he could send me the info. instead he wrote down his email.

so i will email him some of my fav poetry links. oh my god. out of all those people, somehow maybe i’ve made a friend. i hope so. it would be a little balm in the sea of misery i currently find myself in.

feeling very very alone and depressed at the moment.

i saw the mathematician yesterday on my way out of the house. i know i have been accused (by the expert on life itself-online crush) of making assumptions (wrongly) but i know mathematician’s sneaky, spying ways good enough to know that he’s figured out my schedule and purposely parked in front of my house and then just “happened” to come out when i was getting in the car. gee. what a surprise.

so as i turned to look down the street, pulling out of the drive, there he fucking was. right in my line of sight. and he waved at me. cautiously, obviously hoping for some sort of response (he got nothing but pursed lips underneath my sunglasses). but i almost drove right into a car coming down the street because he distracted me. nice. he probably would have looked the other way if that had happened.

i drove to work and cried all the way there. not the response i expected. i hate that he makes me upset still. that really bugs me.

anyway.

the poet. a small bright spot.

amidst more garbage going on at my college teaching job. after grading (which was very much like torture) their first papers, i handed them back last night. NOW. there were a few people who totally bombed. and i’m being generous. but many people got A’s (again, mostly being generous). one of the A paper students interrupted me repeatedly in class, demanding that i address her. i told her i’d talk to her after class.

then i gave them all a quiz. the fucking easiest quiz i could imagine giving. as in, what is your general topic (regarding career) and what are the subtopics?

i kid you not, i’ve never witnessed such incredible stupidity in my life. now. i have a lot of patience for teaching people things, it’s the rude, interrupting, bullshit behavior that i am losing my cool over now.

not one of the students in my class understood what a subtopic was. really? are you kidding me? we’ve been talking about it for a week.

then they tried to search for info with their horrible search terms, and gee, what a surprise, “I CAN’T FIND ANYTHING MISS!!!!!!!!’ throwing tantrums, almost. when i’d make suggestions, they’d ignore them and continue to whine and pout and literally, pound their fists.

what a joy it’s been.

back to the little bitch complaining about her A grade. i’m not kidding. she demanded that i change it to a perfect 100. i told her the paper had mistakes and she didn’t deserve a 100. then she tried to demand that i promise if she fixed the mistakes, i’d give her a 100. i told her i would never make that kind of promise, that she had to earn a 100 and no one in the class deserved that at this point. she got rude and loud and belligerent and demanded again and i told her AGAIN, NO.

so she stomped out of class. she, of course, was one of the students who wanted me to do her work for her, while everyone else struggled along for the quiz.

then she apparently stomped off to her english teacher and complained to him about me (she got a FUCKING A, wtf???) and he took a look at her paper (this is what he told me later) and told her HE would not have given her as good a grade as i did. i thanked him.

bitch.

i went to the IT room to return my projector, completely exhausted and upset, and the IT guy asked how it went. i told him it was awful. he said “you’re the 3rd person tonight to tell me that.” then i said “it’s so bad, i feel like crying, and i don’t cry over work.” he said again “you’re the 3rd person to tell me that too.” he looked so sweet and sympathetic.

but it doesn’t help.

i have no desire to do a dammed thing now for that class. i want nothing more to do with it. i’ve had enough. i dread going in and i’m really starting to HATE the students (not all of them). a few of them have approached me after class, mentioning that they can’t believe how some (many) of the others act toward me and just in general. they also tell me they can’t believe how patient i am.i appreciate their input. they’ve also told me about other teachers they have who have to deal with this kind of garbage too. i know they are trying to help. but it’s not right that they should have to put up with this either. not at all.

and  i don’t feel very patient. i feel like i’m really really going to lose it. very soon.

i told someone today that i feel like i’m working in the special ed of colleges. he laughed when i said that, but it’s so true. and i’m sorry to say, these people do not belong in an academic setting. come on, the godammed college advertises. it’s all about money. that’s all they care about. that’s the bottom line.

then last night, after 10PM, i was laying in bed and my fucking asshole neighbor decides to come upstairs to talk to me. i didn’t open the door because i wasn’t dressed, and i was pretty fucking annoyed that he was bothering me so late.

you want to know WHY he was bothering me?

to WARN ME (he used those words) that he was having a party for his birthday on saturday. i was very pissed. so i said that i didn’t expect to be kept up all night.

he said “well, it will probably be going on until 2 in the morning”

i said “well, again, i don’t expect to be kept awake. and i don’t want to hear your bullshit stereo blasting either”

ASSHOLE: well i’ve lived here for eight months now and i’ve NEVER HAD A PARTY.

so? because you live somewhere, you have the right to disturb the neighbors when you feel like it?

me: you can have a party without blasting your stereo. i’m telling you, i don’t want to hear it all night. i actually work for a living and i have work to do on the weekends too. i need to get sleep. every night.

ASSHOLE: well there is going to be like, 25 people here.

me: so? i’m saying it again, i don’t want to be kept up all night.

ASSHOLE: well thanks for being so UNDERSTANDING.

me: oh okay. so i’m just supposed to put up with all your bullshit and never complain or else i’m not being UNDERSTANDING??? you come up here after 10 o clock and you expect me to be happy about it? fuck you.

and i walked away from the door.

so now i feel trapped. if i’m here, he’s going to make sure i suffer. because apparently, just like my asshole students, he believe’s he’s ENTITLED to disturb me and i have no right to say anything now that he’s WARNED me about it.

and if i leave, to actually get some sleep, i feel like he’s just going to do this shit again and again.

and my landlord wants to fuck him, so i get no support from him. he refuses to assist in this bullshit stereo issue.

and now my entire neck, shoulders, and back are spasming. that’s what happens when i’m under tremendous stress.

i am miserable. i want to go back to being happy. i’m trying. it’s not working…

what happened to the poet at work? the one who came up to me two weeks ago and handed me his poems and asked me to give him feedback about them.

i haven’t seen him since then. i used to see him almost everyday before that. what’s up with that? probably has nothing to do with me, right…

and then i mentioned that i was going to try and do that online thing again, despite my past dismal results. so i get these men looking at my profile all the time, the same ones in fact, and some even add me to their fav list. but no one. no one, actually writes to me.

just more online shopping and ogling of women i guess.

what is wrong with me anyway? why do i drive men away in droves?

i don’t even have to communicate with them and they disappear. or if they do communicate, initiating things with me in fact, they STILL disappear.

dammit. all i wanted, for so fucking long, was to get closer to online crush.

obviously i was a fool.

is this now my karma? to be shunned by men worldwide?

sigh…off to bed. but not before trying on my new shoes one more time…