Archive for December, 2008
i actually had the impulse
this morning to drink. i woke up at 6 AM (apparently, my body will only sleep for 6 hours straight anymore–very annoying) and got up to pee. then i laid back down after peering out the window at the 6-8 inches of snow that fell overnight. it was completely clear when i came home at 10 and now i have to shovel. AGAIN. and it’s not even fucking january.
i digress.
so i toss and turn, feeling upset over imaginary crimes blamed on hewhoshallnotbenamed and finally just give up and get up. i turn on the coffee maker, the computer, and because i’m impatient (and cold), i pull the carafe out early to fill my cup.
i eat a sugar cookie (wonder why i’m overweight) and then as i’m stirring my coffee, i briefly entertain the idea of adding some Bailey’s to it.
briefly. i mean. it’s new year’s eve, after all?
so what if it’s 7 in the morning? so? i AM on vacation.
but i discarded the idea about as quickly as it came.
drinking at 7AM? now come on, that’s pretty bad!
my insecurities
have managed to rear their ugly head(s). yes, there are multiple ones. i won’t get into details, but how can i go from completely being happy and trusting to feeling completely the opposite in just about a day?
it’s because that’s what i do. i get closer to someone, or make myself VUNERABLE, and then i find a way to wreck it.
it’s not conscious, mind you.
but i can see right now, that’s what i’m doing.
how to stop it? i don’t know. because right now i feel like doing all the self-destructive things i used to do. well not all of them. but enough to know i’d fuck things up.
more than they already are…
