so i went to lunch yesterday with two of my libr friends from the city. one of them works in the same building as mathematician.

i couldn’t help it. i told her. she knew right away, actually, when i said i’d been seeing someone last spring from her building. she said his name immediately. i wonder if he told her. i have no idea. i don’t really care if he did. so what.

anyway. i know i probably shouldn’t have talked about it, but he really really hurt me. i mean, i guess i realized yesterday how much it still hurts me.

she told me that he and his wife aren’t the same anymore, that’s it’s clear there’s nothing much there.

well. i suppose that’s sad, but in some pathetic way, it pleased me.

i told him he’d be sorry if he chose her.

maybe he is. maybe he isn’t.

i dreamed last night that he was in my building. he came to the libr and i ignored him. he kept trying to talk to me, but i just told him finally, to go talk to her. his wife.

as it was with online crush, as it was and is, with others, i am the one who is never the most important. i am never the one chosen.

there’s always someone they like better than me.

i suppose i deserve it. i’m difficult. sometimes, i think, unloveable…