i-fuck-everything-up defense, i am reacting to a series of small events, in my retreating, licking my wounds kind of way that is my pattern.

the events being in general, during a conversation the other day, where a certain type of discussion was initiated by the other party, i partcipated in said discussion and in the middle of it, the other party did an abrupt 180 about face. i had no warning it was coming. it was confusing and hurtful and i felt like i opened up only to be shut down. of course i was upset about it.

but then something happened that deflected the situation, temporarily, though i guess i realized yesterday that it still hadn’t been resolved. just set aside.

when i wanted to talk last night, i was cooly told no, the other party was going to bed. okay. well. it was very very late. i was disappointed, but he seemed different somehow in how he was dealing with me.

when i tried to initiate a brief web chat, i was denied and then told that in fact he was chatting elsewhere.

okay. well. so that’s not so much the issue, just the timing of it all was shitty. and the coolness factor. i wasn’t expecting that.

sometimes i don’t know what to expect. i suppose this is where my feelings of rejection and hurt come from.

i know it’s largely me being insecure. but sometimes, there are things that happen to make me feel that way…