while shoveling out my car a few minutes ago, i was listening to pete murray’s song “saving grace” and i burst into full out tears. loud, racous sobbing. i didn’t even care. just stood in the snow and bitter wind chill crying my eyes out.

that song makes me think of D, my friend who died in Sept. and then it all just came crashing in. i saw that the mathematician had shoveled around and uncovered HER car and then i thought of the other rejections. asad sending me that email intended for another woman he was seeing and wouldn’t admit to me that’s why he backed off. the guy i met recently who i invited to my house last sat and he didn’t come. hyper man who flirts incenssantly with me but is now apparently engaged. and other things…

i guess it just all came out.

off to shower…i hate new year’s eve. it makes me feel more alone than any other holiday or event.

new year’s eve. i still hate it, even though i agreed to go to dinner with my mom and her friends. last year i just hid. i feel like doing that now too. but i can’t. i promised her…

so i went to lunch yesterday with two of my libr friends from the city. one of them works in the same building as mathematician.

i couldn’t help it. i told her. she knew right away, actually, when i said i’d been seeing someone last spring from her building. she said his name immediately. i wonder if he told her. i have no idea. i don’t really care if he did. so what.

anyway. i know i probably shouldn’t have talked about it, but he really really hurt me. i mean, i guess i realized yesterday how much it still hurts me.

she told me that he and his wife aren’t the same anymore, that’s it’s clear there’s nothing much there.

well. i suppose that’s sad, but in some pathetic way, it pleased me.

i told him he’d be sorry if he chose her.

maybe he is. maybe he isn’t.

i dreamed last night that he was in my building. he came to the libr and i ignored him. he kept trying to talk to me, but i just told him finally, to go talk to her. his wife.

as it was with online crush, as it was and is, with others, i am the one who is never the most important. i am never the one chosen.

there’s always someone they like better than me.

i suppose i deserve it. i’m difficult. sometimes, i think, unloveable…

i-fuck-everything-up defense, i am reacting to a series of small events, in my retreating, licking my wounds kind of way that is my pattern.

the events being in general, during a conversation the other day, where a certain type of discussion was initiated by the other party, i partcipated in said discussion and in the middle of it, the other party did an abrupt 180 about face. i had no warning it was coming. it was confusing and hurtful and i felt like i opened up only to be shut down. of course i was upset about it.

but then something happened that deflected the situation, temporarily, though i guess i realized yesterday that it still hadn’t been resolved. just set aside.

when i wanted to talk last night, i was cooly told no, the other party was going to bed. okay. well. it was very very late. i was disappointed, but he seemed different somehow in how he was dealing with me.

when i tried to initiate a brief web chat, i was denied and then told that in fact he was chatting elsewhere.

okay. well. so that’s not so much the issue, just the timing of it all was shitty. and the coolness factor. i wasn’t expecting that.

sometimes i don’t know what to expect. i suppose this is where my feelings of rejection and hurt come from.

i know it’s largely me being insecure. but sometimes, there are things that happen to make me feel that way…