…made my interest known. i feel i learned a little bit from D’s death in September, that i can’t follow “rules” written by some stranger in some popular at the moment book. i need to be more flexible. and so i was. i know it didn’t end with me getting a date with HIM, but at least i said how i felt and let it be known and i was mature about it. so now i know what’s up with him and i just let it go.

i watched the movie Juno last night when i got home. who knew i’d end up sobbing uncontrollably at the end? wasn’t expecting that flood of tears. i suppose that happens whenever i see something about a woman losing her child, in whatever way it happens. it made me realize i still really really want to have a child.

i just suppress and deny it most of the time because it’s easier.

and i was a little mopey, feeling sorry for myself, before the movie “nobody ever likes me” thing going on.

it’s funny, because when i go out, it’s not like i don’t get any attention from men, because i most certainly do. but no one ever does anything about it. i try to really consciously not have the “stay away” vibe going on, including the standoffish look i know i am famous for, but perhaps that’s just not enough.

i surrender.

then this morning i came online to find offline messages from Antonio (the King, in LA), an email and offline messages from the Sweetest Man in lebanon (who insists he still wants to see me), and an email from the Old Man in ireland.

That made me feel better.

Onward.