…online crush? the one who sent me an email intended for someone else. why why why do i think about him when i am out and about? why why why do i wish he’d show up on my doorstep or send me flowers on my bday or call me and ask me to see him. why why why?

i’m happier when i’m not communicating with him. but i still miss the HIM i once knew him to be. the him we all think someone is at the beginning.

i miss him because i’m drunk and my defenses are down. okay. i’m not really drunk, just very tipsy from an expensive bday dinner with david. it was wonderful as always. but i still sometimes think to myself “i wish i could bring online crush here”

i wish he’d see me sing. i wish he’d wake up next to me. i wish.

i’ll not wish it in the morning, when i’m sober again. i’m okay. i won’t write to him. it will just end up hurting me again. i’m done banging my head into a wall.

but…the wine makes me melancholy for him. sometimes…

(oh and i’ll still miss him in the morning. but he never misses me. he never cared at all…)