Love

Originally uploaded by poetdiva

ok ok. i needed the reminder. except for me it’s like 1,000 pounces…

…made my interest known. i feel i learned a little bit from D’s death in September, that i can’t follow “rules” written by some stranger in some popular at the moment book. i need to be more flexible. and so i was. i know it didn’t end with me getting a date with HIM, but at least i said how i felt and let it be known and i was mature about it. so now i know what’s up with him and i just let it go.

i watched the movie Juno last night when i got home. who knew i’d end up sobbing uncontrollably at the end? wasn’t expecting that flood of tears. i suppose that happens whenever i see something about a woman losing her child, in whatever way it happens. it made me realize i still really really want to have a child.

i just suppress and deny it most of the time because it’s easier.

and i was a little mopey, feeling sorry for myself, before the movie “nobody ever likes me” thing going on.

it’s funny, because when i go out, it’s not like i don’t get any attention from men, because i most certainly do. but no one ever does anything about it. i try to really consciously not have the “stay away” vibe going on, including the standoffish look i know i am famous for, but perhaps that’s just not enough.

i surrender.

then this morning i came online to find offline messages from Antonio (the King, in LA), an email and offline messages from the Sweetest Man in lebanon (who insists he still wants to see me), and an email from the Old Man in ireland.

That made me feel better.

Onward.

well.

i went to dinner with F and G and J tonight. i was really hoping that G would invite HIM to come along. he did invite HIM.

at one point, very early in the evening, before we ordered, G said “I got your email”

“HE is just getting out of a long term relationship and it’s not really a good time right now,” G told me very apologetically. i nodded and said okay, etc. but of course i felt a bit embarrassed and stupid and rejected.

it wasn’t clear to me if he had actually spoken to HIM about my email (my declared interest in HIM) or if he was just giving me the heads up about him, so i wouldn’t expect much or be disappointed.

F of course took it upon himself to tease me and i got really embarrassed then and almost felt like crying.

“well HE isn’t interested so let’s just drop it. didn’t you just hear what G said?” i begged F.

“it’s just not a good time right now, that’s all,” reassured G.

i still don’t know if this came from HIM or not, but i took it to mean, just forget about it.

then G called HIM to ask him to meet us out. i couldn’t hear if he told him who was there or not. he said he wasn’t feeling well.

later in the dinner, he called HIM again, to tell him we were leaving. still not coming out.

then we went to another place for a drink, and i again caught him calling HIM to come out. he still was not up to it.

not sure what that was all about. then J said multiple times they are having a Xmas party in 2 weeks and i was invited. you can bet the HE will be invited too.

so not sure if HE actually said he wasn’t interested or not. did G tell him? i was too afraid to ask that question, lest it erupt into more embarrassment.

if HE had told G that he wasn’t interested, and G was trying to be kind to me, letting me down easy, then would G have called him 3X to try and get him to come out?

i don’t think so. that would have been obnoxious. i think G was trying to help and get us together in the same room again.

so we’ll see. i guess not ready isn’t a definite NO.

and god knows i don’t need another wishy washy ambivalent on the rebound man in my life.

better to stay away unless someone’s emotionally available.

sigh. i’m a little bit sad about it.

HE’S fucking cute as hell. and kind. that’s the word i would use to describe HIM–kind.

…i stumbled across her, but she makes me laugh. tee hee. at least something is making me laugh.

i STILL have not gotten a response to my inebriated message regarding my interest in HIM.

i had to be inebriated, otherwise i would have chickened out.

maybe that would have been better…

sigh.

no one ever likes me…

or if they do, they’re a fucker.