the chat on saturday very very late, with the king of LA brought back fun :0 which i needed a bit of, considering all the downer stuff of late. i told him i thought maybe he’d forgotten me, but he said he doesn’t forget, only chooses not to participate sometimes. good answer. sometimes i still wish he’d loosen the boundaries a little, but it would probably end with me hating him then, so it’s better he doesn’t. i am weak. and he knows it. someone has to be the strong one. though i’ve been called strong on several occasions (when it comes to men and walking away from the ones who are bad for me, believe it or not).

rehearsal made me angry tonight, again. about the chorus splitting thing and the whole “not sending out your article via listserv” bullshit too. i feel really angry and hurt by that. so many people sang that piece and it was transforming for them (as i’ve been told) and now they won’t see the article? it’s total fucking bullshit. and i’m still mad about it. so mad i might write a letter to the board members (remember i used to be one). i was having a mini rant about above mentioned items and the woman i was ranting to said “we need people like you” and i just looked at her, confused. she said, “you know, to speak up, to say what other people are afraid to say.” well. that was a nice thing to say, and surprising. anyway…

i probably have PMS too. but whatever.

my observation this morning went so well i can’t even believe it. my boss was ULTRA happy about how it went and stayed for the WHOLE thing (she never does that, so i hear). so that was a major relief. i’d never done this particular thing before and i was going way out on a limb and had no clue if it would bomb. it did not bomb. i was very pleased.

there’s a man in my church choir who i’ve suddenly noticed, after many many years. i mean, i noticed him before, but now…well. suddenly he seems different. with me, i mean. and i found out this weird thing about his past. i shall not go into it now, as i am exhausted and must sleep.

peace.

i choose (viewed best in original size–under all sizes)

Originally uploaded by poetdiva

just felt like reminding myself…

yesterday when i got home from work, i was so tired and lazy-feeling and i just made this crappy frozen pizza i’d bought the night before. then i drank a bunch of cheap wine and laid down in my bed, ready to sulk the whole evening.

why i was intent on sulking, i don’t know, but i was.

then forrest called. i was mad at him from two weeks ago when we had plans and he changed them on me. i told him that and he acted like he didn’t remember. okay. well. he IS a good friend, and i didn’t REALLY want to spend the night in bed sulking, so i decided i’d let it go, once i let him know it was unkind what he did. some things are just not worth arguing about.

so he wanted to go to the art gallery. i mentioned a poetry reading around the corner. he sounded hesitant, and he warned me that sometimes “those poetics people really get on your nerves.” i said i knew that, but it was free and in a cool venue and within steps from my house. the reason those people get on my nerves is because i feel that so many times you end up feeling stupid and like you’re listening to a continual inside joke and if you don’t get it, you’re an idiot. i don’t like writing that is intended to exclude. but that’s just me.

so we went. he hadn’t heard about all the craziness going on for me in the last two months, so when he finally heard about it all, he understood why i’ve been a bit more-than-usual oversensitive.

anyway. we got to the venue (i can see the dome from my kitchen, btw, which i liked when i moved in here–though we know how i feel about this neighborhood now) and got to wander a bit before the reading started. the director came right over and chatted with me about the organ and that was pretty interesting. i need to get in there during a sunny day to take some photos (with one of my broken cameras, ha ha) of the stained glass.

anyway.

people trickled in, many of whom appeared to be students. i can’t be sure, but i think so, since the event was sponsored by UB. lots of very fashionable slim glasses, raggedy sweaters, cool boots, and an izod here or there. the “crowd” was for sure not the crowd you’d see at some other poetry events in this city. ah, but these were definitely poetics people. dare i say the word “pretentious?”

ah i will dare. i was worried that the event was going to make me grit my teeth. we sat down and waited in a nice little room upstairs. one of the things about that building is it is “in the round” a bit. so there are all these little passageways here and there to the stairs and bathrooms and steps up into little rooms. kind of neat.

the poet arrived. i’d never heard of her until i read about the reading in the paper. a grad student introduced her and my worst fears of being bored silly and feeling stupid at the same time seemed to materialize. oh dear. could you be more esoteric and obscure in your introduction of her and drawing way more attention to how preciously intelligent you are with your introduction? really, it was embarrassing. of course, that’s just my opinion. robert creeley would have cringed. or would he? who knows. i was cringing.

but she was a delight. accessible yet with layers and complexity too. i really enjoyed the reading.

whew. what a relief.

and i saw the editor at the news there and he mentioned to me that i may have another poem in this sunday. they were haggling about space issues and someone mentioned putting another of my poems in. i guess we won’t know until tomorrow.

hey, so that would be cool. a bonus i wasn’t expecting

forrest said i sure have found a benefactor in that particular editor. it’s true. he has been good to me over the years. i don’t think i’ve ever sent him something that he didn’t publish.

then we went to this restaurant, after, which was a weird, surreal experience. they built a new building (after tearing down a beautiful old one) it was like stepping back into the 70’s. disco music and padded chairs at the bar. ugly orange and brown and just way way way overdone. like someone was going out of their way to make it as ugly as possible, while presenting it as cool and hip. it didn’t feel any more refined because it was packed and loud and busy, so it still has the feel of a diner, but just way more ugly. the food was okay, but they did burn the tops of my crabcakes (not happy). and the bathroom was filthy. the bartender was rude (throwing the coasters in front of us, and then throwing forrest’s change at him on the bar) and the bar was covered in something sticky which got on my purse and hands and when i asked them to wipe it up, the guy brought over a whole roll of papertowels and handed it to me. are you kidding me? no wet rag? and you expect ME to do it?

anyway. i won’t be going back there.

i drove f home and went right to sleep. did i mention that mathematician’s wife has now moved back in across the street? why, when she got a 1/4 million $ lawsuit settlement, are they living here in the “almost-ghetto”? oh. because he was lying to me. gee. what a surprise. he lied??? i’m SHOCKED.

peace.

i used to be an obsessive list-maker. lists for shopping, TO DO, money, food eaten, exercise, writing projects, pros and cons lists (of various subjects), and i am sure there were other types.

i’d carry them around and obsess over my lists. crossing things off, transferring things to new lists, stapling them together, etc.

i was clearly a little neurotic about it.

but somewhere along the way, i stopped making lists. was it after grad school? or during it? i don’t really know.

when i was a social worker, i had my lists convienently as part of my appt book, which was something i could not live without. it was a great book, and it kept all my crap in one place. i also used spiral notebooks for personal lists, to keep them all together.

but now? i don’t really make lists. or if i do, they are half-ass. on scraps of paper or various post-it notes or on empty envelopes. or i don’t make them at all.

i feel like i never know what i’m doing. as though i’ve forgotten something at all times. in every facet of my life.

did i actually PAY all my bills? what DO i really need at the store? am i missing a deadline? when is that lesson with that class?

i always feel adrift at some level now. as though something is always undone.

i miss my lists, but i haven’t found a way to organize myself properly in my new profession.

appt books work well for me, but i can’t ever seem to find one that meets my needs.

i sound like such a dork. but it’s really starting to get on my nerves that i forget things all the time.

i started a list yesterday, after work, in a spiral notebook.

but i don’t like it.

it’s messy.

too many items in too many categories.

i am really a dork. i need help

i can’t believe the response i’m getting to my article that was just published. so many people have written to me to tell me that it took them right back to the concert. to me, this is the highest compliment that i could receive as a writer.