why, if he’s a loser, a gambler (yes, he admitted that to me at one point), drinker, smoker (though he’d take a shower before ever being in my presence), liar, cheater, user, pansy-ass coward, does it still bug me to have to live across the street from that fucker? (i remember what to call him, in fact). why do i look away and avoid ever accidentally witnessing anything going on over there? i still feel humiliated.

i mean. and then there’s OC and his, telling on himself, crap. i know i deserve to be treated so much better (doesn’t ANYone deserve that? pretty much) and all that. but how come HE ends up with someone (or multiple someones–who knows at this point) and i end up alone?

not that i want to settle for being treated like garbage. lied to. used. thrown away as if i never mattered or existed. the key is never letting it go that far with anyone again. dump their ass first. which, i suppose, they created a situation where i did the dirty work for them, so they could blame me and run off and do it again to someone else.

better her than me.

so what was i calling the tea—r at work who i have a crush on? i can’t remember. mr. nice-guy-i’ve-got-a-stray-cat sounds good. (that’s not it, but whatever).

he’s been in the lib—y a million times in the last couple of weeks. he’s been teasing me. a lot. and i realized today that he has a really lovely smile. i hadn’t noticed it before. i noticed that evening at happy hour, that he in fact has lovely blue eyes too. (stop chuckling D, i can’t help it)

but.

my cuz2 told me something i didn’t like about him today. at least, something that could potentially be something i wouldn’t like.

he came in all blah blah blahhing about sharing that afterschool job with me and i was happy to do that. especially because in my sneaky brain, i was thinking, “yeah, now we’ll have multiple excuses to talk to each other” oh brother. how old am i?

but this new info could potentially damage my opinion of him. though it could be something harmless.

and he probably doesn’t like me anyway. mr. i’ve got a stray cat aren’t i a nice guy?

i’m cold. and animoto is sucking me dry.