well i managed to get another week out of the car. now it’s squeaking when i get in. meaning: i really need new struts and shocks. i just talked to my dad about it, and he said he called the dealer where he got his new car and they have new cars he thinks i should look into…ugh. i told him my credit is less than stellar and that’s really probably the big issue…ugh again. i HATE admitting that to my dad, mr. don’t-ever-spend-any-money. well. he handled it really well. i mean, he’s being so non-judgmental about it, i can’t believe it. of course, what would be ideal for me (not for him) is if he buys the car and i pay him back. which i did before and it worked fine. but this time i guess he wants me to be a ‘grown-up.’ yeah. it’s forcing me to deal with my PAST financial mistakes (because as i’ve mentioned, i have basically made a 180 degree turn in how i spend money–no charging at all being the big change).

well. i’ll have to deal with it sooner or later. if not now, probably soon.

i had dinner with my mom thurs, which was nice. she’s always so accepting of me and my mistakes (now it’s only men i make the big fat mistakes with any more). i haven’t even bothered to tell her the latest bullshit. i haven’t told any of you either. but last week online crush emailed me and it was an email meant for another woman (who he named) and he referred in the email to seeing her again.

wow. i completely lost it. of course, would you expect anything less from me? i wrote about five emails in succession, each one containing more vitriol than the previous one. i was furious that he would choose to expose the truth this way, via email to another woman. i mean, i KNEW something was up, since his tone had changed so drastically over the summer and he insisted i hadn’t done anything wrong (of course, now he can say ’see, you’re a lunatic and that’s why i won’t see you’).

now in retrospect, the email could have been innocent enough, to a colleague, or something. but you know what? i still don’t care. i know i flipped out. but i was so patient for so long. really. who else in this world would have waited around for him for this many YEARS, withOUT exploding? i loved him. or the him i wanted him to be. the him i believed he was. the him i remember from the last time i saw him. i just couldn’t take any more. i just wanted to see him again. that’s all. none of this would have happened if he’d just done what he said he was going to do. been a man of his word. but he continued to deflect me and put me off instead of just being direct and forthright. who wouldn’t lose it after all this time?

and really, if he wasn’t writing to some woman about seeing her personally, and it WAS innocent and to a colleague, he should have EXPLAINED that CLEARLY in his quick second email in which he said “sorry. that was intended from someone else.” yeah. i GOT that. since it had the SOMEONE ELSE’S name in the email, and NOT mine. but if it wasn’t someone he’s fucking, then why didn’t he TELL me that. he knows me well enough to know that i would flip on seeing that email. so he didn’t care how i felt, and wanted me to find out i guess, without him having to admit it. it worked perfectly for him, because again, now he can act like i am the one with the problem (which is true, who in the world would put up with such shitty behavior from a man? only an idiot, which i’ve obviously been).

i hadn’t seen him in almost two years. he promised me last spring. he was so sweet when we started talking again after that six months when i was furious last time (again, about being treated like a non-person) and making actual effort. then BOOM. nothing.

anyway. i was very angry. he only wrote back some cold retort about deleting my photos (i demanded he do so). anyway. it was humiliating but on the other hand, it was a relief. now i know. he’ll see other women, but not me. it hurts, but it’s over. i know and i can move on.

i feel better about myself this week, and i’ve tried not to beat up on myself (why not me? why her? why why why?) all pointless bullshit.

so that’s that. four years of affection wasted. i’m an idiot. but that part of my life is over.

it’s only caring, loving, attentive men for me, from now on. i give up and let go of anything else.

work has been way better with CI (cousin It). she did do something selfish yesterday, but i decided not to make a big deal about it and let it go. that’s her. selfish. whatever.

and too many people i know are seriously ill, have died, or will die of something serious…for me to make mountains out of molehills. it’s a bad habit (many of us suffer from) and one i would like to remedy.

i got in my two grant applications on time this week. finished the article (which i am waiting for the check for that to arrive). rehearsal was awesome and inspiring.

last night after work i went to my niece’s v-ball game, which was fun. and then i stopped into a photo opening of two of my photog friends. that was really nice. i’ve really become part of a little photography community here and it makes me happy. one of the guys there who i met, looked me up on flickr last night, added me, and emailed me too.

well. that was nice. i got the vibe from him he might be interested. who knows. it was a nice gesture anyway, that he thought of me while at home, and bothered to add me.

i’m off to my dad’s this afternoon.

it’s a beautiful warm day here. i am grateful for the things i have. despite my kvetching, i am grateful over and over, to be home, to be singing, to be writing, to be a part of my artistic community again.