i went to a reception friday night for our new music director. it was at a local ‘gentleman’s’ club. i guess that’s what you’d call it. basically, the richest people in the area are members there. i am sure that someone in the chorus or on the board must be a member and that’s how it ended up there.

not a world i travel in at all (not that i am lamenting this, my experience at my then-boyfriend’s family summer home in martha’s vineyard [his father a professor at columbia and the main home in nyc in some expensive area] the summer before i studied in paris was not very pleasant, another post altogether) but it was a nice venue and good company.

when i go to something like this, with the people i have created music with for much of the last 15 years, i feel so happy and grateful to be a part of the music community here. i don’t like to think of myself as snobby, but i am a music snob. i admit it.

i worked really hard when i was young, to be a good musician, and so i value a high level of practice, performance, and technical skill. though there is something about the great musicians that goes far beyond those things. i guess i’d call it spirit or soul, for lack of any other better description.

the director of the orchestra was there (the REAL first woman leading a major orchestra, thank you very much), which was a small treat.she’s always so personable and eloquent. i feel so privileged to sing under her baton.

we had auditions last monday, and our new director remembered me from that evening. she said, “of course i remember you–you seemed pretty freaked out that night, but it turned out wonderful!”

**big smile**

i was freaked out. she came right up and stood in front of me as i sang. no one had ever done that before. she wanted to hear the quality of my voice, all our voices. she smiled and said “very nice” two times. she didn’t say that to everyone so i was very pleased. i think only three of us elicited a compliment from her (and the other two have music degrees in voice). anyway. it made me very happy. my old director used to press for me to take lessons again, because he said he thought i could do so much more with my voice if i took vocal lessons. well. i either don’t have time or don’t have money. and right now, i have neither.

someday…

the reception was a pleasure and it reminded me of just how lucky i am to be singing at this level, with this chorus and director, and this orchestra. the opening night was sold out three weeks in advance and they actually sold STANDING ROOM ONLY tickets.

never heard of before in this area. awesome

i am grateful. always grateful for my voice and my music and this chance.

went on my first car searching expedition today. man, what a bunch of schmoozers and wheeler dealers. good thing my cuz2 was there. she was pretty funny, telling them “she’s not BUYING a car TOday” everytime they tried to get me to sign a deal. no way. first place i went. it probably wasn’t a bad deal, but i need to look around to be sure. plus, not entirely sure i can afford it right now and not sure it’s the time. we’ll see. my car is holding up, though i know it needs a lot of work. i have choices now, but that may change if it breaks down again.

car payments are just fucking crazy. and i was looking at the smallest car, end of year sale thingy. it was cute. but the payments they first said made me laugh–like are you kidding me? i seriously don’t know how people afford the big ass cars they are all driving. i know i can’t.

part of it is my credit history, which became fucked when i was in grad school and then unemployed for so long off and on while trying to get the job i have now. i mean, it’s not even close to as bad as some people’s credit issues, but still…it could be better. and the thing that gets me is: i barely have any debt at all (under $1K) except for my student loan. it’s not like i’m in way over my head and running around spending money all the time.

i shop for groceries at the cheap store. i buy gas on the rez. i buy supplies at the $ store. i keep the heat at 60 degrees. i bring my lunch. i make my own coffee. i buy clothes in the cheap store or not at all. i sew. i go without things i want, because i know i can’t charge them (i could, but i don’t want to). i paid cash for my trip to chicago this summer. i do all my errands in one lump so i save gas. i go out to eat for only 10 to 15 dollars (IF that) and usually only once every two weeks. i changed my cell phone plan to the cheapest plan. i don’t have cable TV (and so i only get like 2 stations and in feb i will get NONE) i won’t get a new pet because of expenses and script co-pays i’d end up with again. i exercise at home instead of joining a gym. i buy the cheapest wine (and am doing without it at the moment, sorry, that’s a big sacrifice). i worked this summer to make money. i write and try to get things published so i can make some money. i’ll be making jewelry to sell so i have christmas spending money. i generally only attend free literary events, the free night at the art gallery, free opening receptions, and outdoor free things. once in awhile i go to the movies, but i joined netflix to save money on movies too.

uhm. so, why is it i feel like i still can’t manage to make ends meet?

sigh. it was good i went, to see what some of my options might be, but it was also draining and mighty depressing.

i’m so good with money now, yet can’t seem to get ahead.