i’d written about D, the man who died on sunday…

look at this one: i said to him not to wait too long.

kinda weird. like i knew time was running out…

sad

i managed to get to the wake tonight. when i drove by the funeral home on the way home from work, i got sick to my stomach. i got home and went to bed. but i couldn’t stop thinking about him and feeling this deep need to go to the wake, and this horrible fear of going.

i finally talked to my cousin M, who told me just to go, run in and out. my other cousin (her sister) told me earlier that she would go with me if i needed her to. i had already called and thanked her for the offer, but i thought she shouldn’t drive all the way up here to go with me. after i hung up with cousin M, cousin A called. she insisted on coming up and going with me.

so i said okay. i was relieved, really.

we managed to get there only about 15 minutes before the end of it all, but that was okay. it had emptied out, but it was clear that “all eyes were on me” as A said. i guess so. i didn’t really notice.

i went up to the casket, and just started to cry. he looked so different. so handsome still, but of course, not the way he really looked to me in real life. some people look the same, but he didn’t. but that was okay. maybe it’s better that way. i don’t know.

i stood there with A, in the middle of this big room, with people ringing the sides of the room and prayed for him. and cried. and wondered who his parents were and what to do next.

A was brave enough to ask who they might be (because i was crying and mortified), and we found out that they hadn’t been able to stay, because they were so torn apart.

his female cousins and one male cousin popped right up out of their seats when we went over. they seemed so grateful, talking for quite a long time about him to us, and i was grateful too. it was good for me to talk to them too…

he died of a massive heart attack. he was alone and his father found him on sunday when he didn’t come to sunday dinner like he always did, and he didn’t answer his phone or his door…

he didn’t have a girlfriend, and his one cousin seemed to be “fishing” possibly, to see if i was the girl that none of them seemed to know about. that they had hoped for.

it was me, you know. that’s what i like to pretend, i suppose.

that night we ran into each other, we talked about what we wanted, what kind of relationship, what we were looking for–he asked me all of that and he liked my answers.

i guess i’m glad that his last vision of me, was me standing in the door of the restaurant, while he smiled so sweetly, saying “i really want to kiss you right now!” he was not being a player then, almost boyish and shy. it was endearing and i will never forget it. i love it when a man asks to kiss me, or says he wants to.

i teased him and said that was for men who courted me, and he’d get his chance to kiss me when we went out together.

we never did end up going out after that. just phone calls and text messages.

he was so much of “my list”, that i just couldn’t understand why this would happen–why see him again and then a few months later, he dies?

after, A and i went to dinner. i told her how i told him that now that he’s died on me, it’s his job to find me a husband.

her face lit up and she said “that’s it! he knows exactly what you are looking for and what you want, because you told him–that’s why you had that conversation with him, so he’d know. now he can help you!”

i smiled. what a nice idea. how sweet of her to think of it.

i did see one person i knew there. it was MM (Dar in FL, you may remember him from NatAmer fame). my cousin A said he saw me from across the room and his face lit up (apparently she saw this before i did) and he had his arms open to me as he walked over.

i haven’t seen him in so many years.

i used to be in love with him. he’s totally awesome, still is.

we talked for awhile and exchanged business cards.

i thought later that he might make a nice bf for my cousin A.

we shall see.

who knows why things happen the way they do.

i stood in the street tonight saying goodbye to A, and started to cry again. i can’t believe i won’t see him again…

besides being close to my family and plethora of wonderful friends (who i sometimes think i am neglectful of…), when i returned home from ithaca, and also, since i graduated from grad school, i have been able to participate in my artistic life once again here.

when i am rehearsing with the chorus, i feel surrounded by familiar and loving people. people i have shared some of the most transcendent moments of my life with. to be back with them is just awesome, and i feel grateful. the other night, so many of the women in the chorus either said they read my poem in the paper or they asked to read it. really, i feel like they are my best audience. it matters so much to them, that sometimes i can’t believe it still.

and then when i attend readings and other literary things, like i did tonight. to see the people i know are a long-standing part of the writing community here, over and over, surrounded again by them. i saw an old friend tonight, and some others as well. it’s always a comfort. despite being exhausted, i knew i had to go, because i’d be soothed, at least for the time i was there. which is of course what happened.

and i heard some really accomplished writers voice almost exactly the same doubts i have about myself as a writer. it was comforting and healing.

i am still very sad. i have much to say about it all, but not ready to communicate it. it’s still sinking in.

i’m still in denial.

then angry.

then broken-hearted.

then exhausted.

then numb.

now i’m off to bed…

thank god for art.

it’s been an emotionally draining week…

first the episode with the police invading our home and having the wrong house…

then all the car issues and money spent on it…

and then last night a message saying that D, the man i used to work with, who i reconnected with this summer, died on sunday…

i cannot find the obituary and my friend, who went to hs with him, is going to try and call tomorrow, to find out what’s happened…

i feel very sad. crying off and on all day.

it’s shocking really.

he was 45…

i’ll write more about it later. it’s about my friend who i ran into again after 15 years, this past july–the one who took my phone number and called me a few hours later, the one who another friend said was a ‘player.’

it’s not good news. i’m in shock, really, and i don’t know what to make of it all…

off to work…

and i wrote to online crush asking about an upcoming thing he was supposed to be doing, to see if we could see one another, because this event just hits home how fragile life is and how we should just do things and not fucking worry about it…not that i am the one worrying…and he wrote back saying he cancelled that trip.

he said nothing about my friend.

sometimes i think he has no feelings.

if someone wrote the same kind of message to me, i can’t imagine not saying something…i burst out crying when i read his reply.

because i’m already upset, and he isn’t even concerned or offering any sort of emotional support whatsoever. i don’t need it from him, but frankly, was quite shocked that he said nothing about it.

ok. now i’m really gone to work.

and i know my friend D is dealing with a lot of things now too…thinking of you D, if you’re reading this…love you…