…since tuesday night when i got the text message that my friend/wished-for-bf, died on sunday. finally today i feel more even, though i know i’ll probably get upset again. at one point during the week, we had a fire drill and that made me tear up. i guess the whole urgency/emergency thing or something must have triggered it again.

i am sure i was crying over other unresolved grief as well. and just feeling very very alone because of it.

i know a huge part of it was because he was HOPE for me. the only man in so many years, who was interested in me who didn’t have ex-wife, children baggage, was smart, caring, funny, attractive, had a great job, acted in compassion and wanted to do good things for his community, wrote letters to the editor, sociable, and obviously so much of what i have been hoping for to manifest in my life.

and i had a crush on him literally for 10 or more years. it was so long that i can’t even really remember how long. just like he’s been a fixture in my heart for a long time, and i was so used to seeing him around town regularly, always alone, and wanting to connect with him.

and then finally in july that serendipitous meeting.

and then our calls and texts after that. and me wondering why he wasn’t pursuing it further, even though he said he wanted to and we had the “relationship” conversation (prompted by him, may i remind).

it feels unfair and confusing, and i keep thinking “i’ll never hear from him again…”

of course. that’s what death is. final. many times unexpected, and even if it is expected, it’s really no different. one minute the person is here on earth and the next, that sharp dividing line later, they are not here.

i didn’t talk about this yet, but twice this week i’ve experienced the sensation of “spirit” (i don’t know what else to call it) around me. once at the poetry discussion, when three times in a row, i felt the hair raise on my neck and scalp, and that warm extended shiver i’ve come to know as a “visit” from someone who’s passed on. the first time, i shrugged it off, thinking it wasn’t happening. but it happened two more times, as if to say “yes, it’s real, you’re not imagining it.”

and then friday after work, i laid down and fell almost asleep, in the half-dream-world place between sleep and being awake, and it happened again. this time i was laying on my side, hugging a pillow, and the sensation enveloped my back and shoulders and head and legs, basically my entire back and right side as i lay there. it felt like someone was curled up against me in the bed, holding me. it happened three times too.

anyway. i don’t know what people think of that, but i know it was a visit. was it darcel? i don’t know. maybe. or maybe someone else coming to comfort me and remind me that our spirits still live on, no matter what science or atheists or whoever, believe.

today is dreary and cold.