…three published writers i know to give me feedback on my gripe with the editor i mention below. because i don’t have that much experience in actually being edited (despite being published a lot) and i really don’t want to be perceived as a difficult writer if this is really how the process works (though i think i’m not off-base in my aggravation). my prolific writing friend from grade school wrote back right away and said he needed more info (sent it). that editor of the anthology i am getting published in wrote right away and gave me his phone number to call him about it (very generous of him, as i don’t know him all that well). and online crush hasn’t responded.

anyway. i’ll see what at least two of them say.

a difficult artist/writer at the moment. however, the article i was said i would write for that nat org who emailed and asked me to do it, was changed in some ways DRASTICALLY (meaning, she added stuff i didn’t even have in there at all, including untrue information). because i’ve been upset this week, my concentration has been very poor, but still, you don’t just add shit that you made up.

so i corrected it. some of the changes were fine, though i feel it doesn’t flow the way i write in some places now, but i’m not going to argue about every change. if it was fiction, well then, maybe i would. but i’m tired and i don’t care about some of it.

but when it comes to changing actual facts or adding stuff that doesn’t belong, well, then i draw the line. i’m being picky now, but if you’re going to change all kinds of shit, then i’m going to say something about it.

they’re paying me. but honestly, you found me, you knew my style of writing–it’s an introspective, emotional take on a once in a lifetime experience, i don’t WANT it to read like a journalistic account.

grrrrr. i’m tired. i have to get some sleep tonight.

out.

last night due to a splitting headache. it has subsided, after finally being able to sleep for the last 5 hours.

i was rambling around on the web, and came across this guy, via one of my cousin’s on facebook.

HOLY CRAP! some people are JUST amazing! what a gift to be able to do what he’s doing.

our booming economy

Originally uploaded by poetdiva

this is pretty old, but pretty appropo for the current climate. man am i having financial anxiety at the moment. to buy a new car or not? that is the question…

…since tuesday night when i got the text message that my friend/wished-for-bf, died on sunday. finally today i feel more even, though i know i’ll probably get upset again. at one point during the week, we had a fire drill and that made me tear up. i guess the whole urgency/emergency thing or something must have triggered it again.

i am sure i was crying over other unresolved grief as well. and just feeling very very alone because of it.

i know a huge part of it was because he was HOPE for me. the only man in so many years, who was interested in me who didn’t have ex-wife, children baggage, was smart, caring, funny, attractive, had a great job, acted in compassion and wanted to do good things for his community, wrote letters to the editor, sociable, and obviously so much of what i have been hoping for to manifest in my life.

and i had a crush on him literally for 10 or more years. it was so long that i can’t even really remember how long. just like he’s been a fixture in my heart for a long time, and i was so used to seeing him around town regularly, always alone, and wanting to connect with him.

and then finally in july that serendipitous meeting.

and then our calls and texts after that. and me wondering why he wasn’t pursuing it further, even though he said he wanted to and we had the “relationship” conversation (prompted by him, may i remind).

it feels unfair and confusing, and i keep thinking “i’ll never hear from him again…”

of course. that’s what death is. final. many times unexpected, and even if it is expected, it’s really no different. one minute the person is here on earth and the next, that sharp dividing line later, they are not here.

i didn’t talk about this yet, but twice this week i’ve experienced the sensation of “spirit” (i don’t know what else to call it) around me. once at the poetry discussion, when three times in a row, i felt the hair raise on my neck and scalp, and that warm extended shiver i’ve come to know as a “visit” from someone who’s passed on. the first time, i shrugged it off, thinking it wasn’t happening. but it happened two more times, as if to say “yes, it’s real, you’re not imagining it.”

and then friday after work, i laid down and fell almost asleep, in the half-dream-world place between sleep and being awake, and it happened again. this time i was laying on my side, hugging a pillow, and the sensation enveloped my back and shoulders and head and legs, basically my entire back and right side as i lay there. it felt like someone was curled up against me in the bed, holding me. it happened three times too.

anyway. i don’t know what people think of that, but i know it was a visit. was it darcel? i don’t know. maybe. or maybe someone else coming to comfort me and remind me that our spirits still live on, no matter what science or atheists or whoever, believe.

today is dreary and cold.