Archive for June, 2008
so
mathematician called today twice. i answered the second time. i’m not playing games by not answering, i just can only deal with him at certain times. which has become never, as per what i’m going to tell you.
i answer and he says ‘oh i’m going go church choir practice’ (ah yes, the cliche saint-sinner thing going on here) ‘and i just wanted to say hi, honey.’
apparently he was going to try the “if i just pretend she’s not mad at me and i didn’t blow her off” tactic with me.
apparently this must work with his “i-served-him-divorce-papers” wife (but changed her mind after finding out about me) or whoever else he is lying to. but it does NOT work with me.
see? part of my problem with men, is that i don’t stand for shadiness, evasiveness, lying, cheating, bullshit, glitter mouthing, etc. AND i have incredible intuition. AND i have incredible powers of memory when it comes to things that are said to me.
so i immediately said “why didn’t you call me until 11 PM last night? you were told me you would call me and you’d see me and you didn’t. what were you doing?”
now. some of you may think i have no right to ask these questions, however, he has been chasing me around for weeks now, trying to get me to speak to him, begging me, crying (literally) and finally used the ultimate weapon of emotional manipulation on me, he said I LOVE YOU.
i think i had a right to ask why i’d been blown off and he hadn’t even bothered to come up with an explanation. as if i’d just pretend it didn’t happen.
which i did not.
so anyway. he stammered. he stuttered. he said absolutely nothing and finally he said this:
“i called at eleven. and that’s the end of it.”
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT??????????
are you fucking kidding me?
then he started to yell at me, as if i’d done something wrong to him (his favorite trick but i don’t let that happen either, because I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO HIM).
i hung up on him.
if i wasn’t done with him this AM, i am now.
i cannot fucking believe i spoke to him again. i really need to listen to my friends and family.
obviously he was with her, and thought he could just get away with it. obviously he was giving me the run around yesterday, because she comes first. what a fool.
have i mentioned that she just got a 1/4 million dollar lawsuit settlement? yeah. and he’s a user. plain and simple.
prime real estate
apparently i am in possession of some nice real estate. last night i was cleaning and doing laundry and talking on the phone to my friend L, who is having a bit of a hard time right now. both of us were lamenting over one thing or another (men-me and i won’t say-her).
while i was talking, i laid down on my bed. my newly set up bed. you’ve seen the netting i put up around it, no?
well. i was staring up at the ceiling while i was talking, and noticed some weird tiny black spots on the ceiling, right around the light fixture in the center of the ceiling.
i got up to get a closer look, as i’d not noticed these before. i turned on the overhead light.
well. there were a bazillion little dots now that i could see better. all hanging around on some invisible net hanging around the light. i looked closer. they were SPIDERS. a bazillion tiny spiders. baby spiders i suspect. i freaked out and ran to look for some sort of spray, as i’m not tall enough to reach with a swatter, even on a chair (high ceilings in old houses make for annoyances at times).
the only thing i could find was lysol. all the while i am freaking out, my friend L is going “i can’t believe it. you have to call the landlord. call the landlord.”
i sprayed like crazy and freaked out some more. they all began to squirm and stiffen. they were hanging over my dammed bed, for godsake. i knew then, that i would be sleeping under complete cover of the mosquito net. thank god for it actually, or i never would have slept at all last night.
i eventually got off the phone and vacuumed the ceiling. i found them all over the room. in the corners, in the middle of the ceiling, all on little hanging nets. kind of like the mosquito net over my bed.
they were not there the day before. how in the hell could this happen so fast?
these little squatters moving in and planting their fucking disgusting eggs all over the place without me even knowing?
ugh. it makes me SICK. i’ve been spraying sporadically all day long. and i’ll take the vacuum to them again in a bit.
why do i always have to contend with some hideous bug thing? in my old one bedroom before i moved away, i had those nasty food moths. they came from the cat food, apparently. and they were dammed hard to get rid of. i still don’t have any open food (meaning everything ends up in a sealed plastic container as soon as i open it) after that experience.
and in ithaca it was every weird outdoor/camping bug that let themselves in and hung around on the walls. i went so far as to take photos of them and post them on bug sites, to see if someone could identify them so i’d know if they were dangerous or not. turns out they weren’t. and they were super slow moving too, so i easily killed a bazillion of those.
and now this. tiny disgusting spiders. i’ve seen tiny spiders before, but they were always red. these are black. what? are they going to grow up to be big gnarly hairy black things stalking me?
jesus. apparently, i continue to live in bug heaven.
the straw and lightning and thunder
so i talked to mathematician three times yesterday. he called twice and once i ran into him as i was coming home from shopping. he asked what i was doing last night. he said he might see his daughters as they were home currenltly, but he didn’t know, so he’d let me know. i never asked to see him, btw.
he was being his usual evasive self, as he was previously, however, i didn’t figure that out until later on. he just kept saying i’ll talk to you later, and finally, i’ll see you later. HONEY.
i cleaned and talked on the phone last night and blogged and blah blah. just generally wasted time. 7PM came and went. 8 PM came and went. 9 PM came and went. it was about this time i figured i was getting blown off. no call. nothing.
so i looked out the window to see if HER car was around. it didn’t appear to be. i’m starting to wonder if she’s gotten a new one. i should have fucking checked her license number before, so i could see now. but honestly, i never thought it would matter and that i would need to know that. i don’t need to know it, of course, but anyway…
so at 10:30 PM i called him. no answer. i left a message saying that obviously nothing had really changed and he was back to treating me just as poorly as before. etc. clearly i was mad.
i finished cleaning and putting laundry away and filled the dishwasher (because i can only run it when i go to sleep or else i always blow a fuse because nothing else can be on at the same time) (old house, what can i say?)
he called me at 11PM and i refused to answer. is this what you meant by i’ll call you/see you later? what? he didn’t address my anger or what he was doing in his message, but asked me to call him back. so i did. just not then.
i went to bed. woke up at 3 AM, thinking of online crush. i don’t know why, but frequently, i wake up around 2:30 or 3:00 AM, always thinking of him. i miss him. i want to see him. i know. he’s back to his cave, again, and i have to just wait around until he decides to come out. well. i don’t have to wait around. i do it to myself. i know that.
i finally fell back asleep, only to wake again at 4:45 AM to a wicked thunderstorm coming in from the lake (i am only a five minute drive, if that, from the lake). i could hear it moving from that direction, and pelting us with rain. finally it was directly overhead and i swear, at least three or four times in a minute or so, thunder and lightning happened simultaneously, which means, it’s hitting right there in front of you. your house. your trees. your car. you.
it scared the bejeesus out of me. seriously, i heard it hit in the street, then it seemed like it was my house, then it was behind the house and then again, once more behind the house.
i called mathematician. did i want him to run over? no. but i was scared, and once, he told me, if i ever needed anything, to call him. so i called.
he answered and said “i’m sleeping.”
how could he sleep through this i wondered.
i said i was afraid. i wanted him to listen. to be sweet to me. to care that i was scared.
obviously i was stupid for expecting him to take care of my feelings.
he said, “what? because of the storm? we shouldn’t be on the phone.”
i said cell phones were okay.
he said “i’ll call you back sweetie.”
then he hung up.
i’m not kidding. he hung up on me. i got up and ran through the house shutting windows and turning on lights and went straight to the computer and unplugged the surge strip completely. then i went back to bed. the storm was over by 5 AM.
him hanging up on me was the straw. i don’t even feel angry. i’m like, “are you kidding me?”
david would have talked to me. old man (yeah, i thought of him) would have talked to me. lorenzo would have talked to me. forrest would have talked to me. the men who care about me, regardless of whether they were sleeping or thought i was being ridiculous, would have listened and reassured me.
i hate storms. they scare me. i’m always afraid of trees falling and lightning. i just needed him to care.
and he didn’t.
this post is for D
since i clealy have little desire to find my birth certificate, i’ll blog instead. looks like a trip to the DMV and city hall for a copy of the BC will be in order on monday morning. by then i’ll be more well-rested.
anyway. i bought a wireless router because i have the work laptop at home for the summer. my very good friend D says i can use remote desktop and then surf the internet as though i am not on the laptop at all. its just i don’t want work to know this site or some of my others. i go out of my way to make sure i keep from being googlable here, and i want to keep it that way. separate from my work life on every level.
anyway. D! how to do remote desktop? i still have to clean up this computer and transfer files to my external hard drive. maybe i’ll do that first.
now that i’m on vacation
it always feels a little weird at first. i already feel like i don’t know what day it is. yesterday i ran around shopping and kept thinking it was saturday.
i was supposed to go to canada today, to my cousin’s house on the lake, but i can’t find my birth certificate. i know i have it. hidden among my still-need-to-be-unpacked boxes, but i don’t know which one. i failed to get my act together in time to get to the DMV either, when i went, it wasn’t where it had always been and was too late to find the correct location. shit. so i didn’t get my address changes put into the system. i doubt they’d make an issue of it, but i do get hassled a lot at the border on occasion. which is annoying and it always makes me feel like i did something wrong when i haven’t. none of this would be a problem if i’d gotten my now-expired passport renewed. but i was worried i wouldn’t have it all summer because of the backlog. well, that made no sense, because it’s expired anyway and i can’t use it! i’m going on passport number three. maybe i’ll apply and pay the money for the expidited one. still. it will be a few months. summer will be over.
anyway. i went shopping yesterday after i realized i couldn’t get to the DMV in time. i bought two pair of shoes (buy one get one 1/2 off). one a silver strappy pair of sandals with spikey heels. the other a pair of little black patent strappy sandals with a very cute small heel (manageable for most occasions, as opposed to the ridiculous ones that are probably only good for short walks to and from the car, bed, and photography purposes).
i also got a nice beach chair that reclines and has a higher back than the old one that somehow got lost when i moved. and a beach umbrella. and a foldable float for the water. yes. we have beaches here. lots of them. being in between two of the great lakes is lovely in the summer. but mostly i go to the cottage in canada and will use these items on the beach there. i am now officially old, middle aged, and cannot dare to sit in the sun all day long (hence the umbrella) and i am too lazy for swimming (hence the float) and i have a back issue and like to read (hence the more elaborate beach chair). since i already got a new bathing suit and cover up, i am now officially set for the summer.
too bad it’s fucking raining and dreary today. as it has been a lot lately. it better not be one of THOSE kinds of summers.
