see below for the explanation of the new moniker.

well i got my wish. after successfully moping around the house last night, in this miserable heat, and playing the guitar yet again, my phone rang at midnight.

i thought it might be ED (the Egyptian Doctor whom I have a date with on Sunday) because he said he got off work on friday at midnight (he’s an ER doc). it was not him, it was AWLATS.

i answered it. i don’t know why. i guess because i was spending the whole evening moping about him, so i may as well find out what he has to say for himself. obviously he was thinking about me too. despite his wife being over YET AGAIN. (and remind me to talk about how i was thinking it was weird the way she has been parking on the street—almost as if she didn’t want someone to see her car–i think i know why now).

the thing about him, is that when i’m happy or upset about him, i think of no one else. meaning: he makes me forget about online crush. NO ONE has ever made me forget about online crush. but this AWLATS has managed to accomplish this feat, for good or for evil.

anyway.

he tried to act all “how ya doin’?”

i said i’d been sick. he asked what was wrong. i wouldn’t elaborate. he kept asking. i kept evading. i was still very mad at him. i STILL am very mad. or upset. or hurt. or all of the above. finally i told him i was having tests done and i didn’t really KNOW what is wrong. he asked what kind of tests. again, i would not be specific. as if you care, is what i really wanted to say, but i didn’t say that.

i asked HIM what had been going on. he said “i called you, but you never called back.”

so? i didn’t like your message.

what do you mean? it was a nice message.

well, it wasn’t good enough for me to call back. you didn’t say you were sorry or you wanted to talk to me or…

well you were the one who hung up on me.

yeah, and why was that? why? because you weren’t being honest with me. right? and don’t try to lie to me this time because I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW that your wife has been over all the time. i’ve seen her. i know her car now. so don’t you dare try to act like i did something wrong.

***silence***

well it just started.

stop lying to me or i’ll hang up and you’ll never talk to me again. i mean it. you think i’m an idiot? is that what you think? because i TOLD you that i ALWAYS know or find out, when someone’s lying to me.

okay. but i didn’t know what was going on. i was confused. i didn’t expect this.

so? so that means you don’t talk to me? you just blow me off for her with no explanation at all? and i live across the FUCKING STREET! did you think i’d not find out? how do you think i fucking feel that you humiliated me in front of everyone on this street? they all saw you going out with me and then BOOM, suddenly your wife decides to come around and you shove me aside.

i didn’t do that. i didn’t shove you aside.

you chose her over me and i gave you many chances to tell me.

well you made it easy for me not to, you always made me mad.

stop blaming me. any time i was upset with you was because you were being deceitful and i KNEW it. and you know it. so stop saying it’s my fault, because it’s not. you either take responsibility for this or i’m not talking to you. this is not about me. it’s you.

well i’m being honest with you now. and you’re right, it’s my fault. i’m a fuck up. i fucked up. i admit it. i fucked up.

***silence***
AWLATS: i miss you. do you miss me?

you’re spending all your time with your wife, which, fine, if you needed to do that, you just did. but you lied to me about it and you blew me off for her and now you’re going to say you miss me? you made your choice, but you made the wrong choice (okay, the bitch in me really comes out now).

i know. i did. i don’t know what’s happening. i’m very confused.

well you shouldn’t have dragged me into this. you should have left me alone until things were settled. you HURT me. do you know how much you’ve hurt me? and it’s not that you had to take a break, yes, that would have hurt, but it’s the lying.

i didn’t lie.

not being honest and open and withholding very important information from me, such as you wife had decided she wanted to try and work things out with you, is the same as lying. it’s the same. it’s dishonesty. and so what if you made me laugh and i was happy if it was all based on a lie? so what? nothing else counts if you’re lying to me, ABOUT ANYTHING.

i don’t want to ever not have you in my life. i can’t imagine now, not having you in my life.

well then you have a decision to make.

yes. i do. will you forgive me? can you forgive me?

i said i didn’t know. i didn’t know if i could trust him. he told me much more about what they’ve been talking about and as he told me more details, i calmed down. he kept saying this:

you make me so mad, but i still really like you. i mean, i really do. and i don’t understand.

i make you mad because i won’t let you get away with crap.

you’re right. you’re right and you make me a better man. i’ve never known anyone like you. i miss you so much.

well you don’t miss me enough. and i won’t be second. i deserve so much better than that. i am tired of being lied to and you knew that. you knew what i’d been through and still you did this.

i told her about you. i told her about you and then she starts coming over all the time. now what do i do?

you decide.

you said we’d be friends.

we were never friends. not gf bf but never just friends.

you said you’d accept that.

and then we made up, as MORE than friends. i begged you that day to tell me what was really going on, but you chose not to tell me. i begged you. now how can i ever trust you?

but i’m being honest now. i swear…

well i can’t read your mind.

will you call me?

no.

why not?

because you’re married.

and on it went like this. he said he told her about me and i think that’s why this all happened. i guess, of course, she wasn’t too happy.

but hey, when you move out and serve someone divorce papers, do you really have a right to be angry at them when, ten months later they date someone else? i don’t think you really have a right to say much of anything. imho.

so i think she’s parking far away, instead of in front of the house, maybe hoping i’ll show up and she can catch him or something. he said he didn’t tell her i live across the street. i told him he better never tell her that, because i don’t feel like being the target of her anger.

he continued to ask for my forgiveness, and to say he was sorry and he knows it’s his fault and that he fucked up. over and over.

i pointed out to him that as he told me more information, was it not clear to him that in fact i was becoming calmer and calmer? he said it was true.

then he kept on asking if i missed him. i finally said that SOMETIMES i missed him. he laughed, saying “you’re so cute.”

it didn’t end well though, it ended with me being upset again, because i asked if he was going to see me then, since he missed me so much. he said he would make it up to me.

what the fuck does that mean? i knew what it meant.

i was pissed and he knew it.

i told him i won’t accept being second and that i’m not waiting around for him.

he told me he’d talk to me again.

i asked him if his goal was to make sure i was still his “back-up plan” and was that why he called?

no.

well that’s what it seems like now. but let me tell you, i am NOT the back up. i’m either first, or forget it.

i know…