Archive for April 1, 2008
flirtation
ah. i’ve been a bit of a flirt lately, i must confess. even if it’s just tossing my hair about or glancing at a man and then glancing away slowly 
it’s been fun. today one of the teachers in the building was in the libr–y all day, off and on. i don’t know exactly what he was doing, but he left his stuff all over my desk. i didn’t really care (unlike when the crazy one leaves her crap all over the place).
i’ve had a number of conversations with him and done a few collaborative things with him and i like him. he’s kinda weird and hyper, but funny. funny is always good. if you can make me laugh, well. that’s pretty high on the list.
so. at some point, we were flirting with each other–teasing, laughing, that sort of thing (he’s kinda sarcastic, and we know i like that too). i know he’s divorced, but i did think that maybe he was in a relationship. i thought so. he still could be, i don’t know. but at one point, B, my colleague who i do adore, when i was in my office, with the door open, asked him point blank “are you married?”
now. i knew that question was meant for me to hear. i laughed when she asked it. he said no, he wasn’t, and that he was divorced. but, here’s the thing, if he was living with someone or involved seriously, wouldn’t he have said so then? just wondering. i think the answer is yes, he would have, unless he’s a jackass, in which case no, he wouldn’t.
am i right, WMT?
anyway. he brightened my day by leaving his crap all over the place and the flirting and stuff too. i think the teachers must have figured out that we hand picked who we wanted when they divided them between us, because there is no other pattern of splitting them. i chose him, after some thought. i didn’t want to seem like i REALLY WANTED him to be on my list. lol. so silly.
so when he finally came to collect his stuff at the end of the day, i was on the phone. he waited and stared at me. i looked at him, like, “what?” and he gave me this funny look. i couldn’t read it. i’ll ask him tomorrow if he needed something.
flirting’s fun.
PS- i said to beloved colleague B, later on, after he left: yeah, i noticed you asked Mr Hyper (that’s his nickname now) if he was married. and she said, yeah, so now you know too lol.
online crush, revisited
well, as i mentioned awhile ago, i just decided that i was going to forgive online crush. i wasn’t feeling it, but i said it out loud one night on the way home from rehearsal, over and over again. i’d been told, by someone, that even if you don’t feel it, just say it, and it will happen.
seems to have worked. i have forgiven him. i’ve been thinking of him. it’s been since november that we had any contact at all. when i flipped out about his comment (which i am absolutely SURE he knew would push my buttons) that we were “not involved.”
okay. whatever. he’s forgiven for not realizing what a fucking amazing woman i am and how fucking awesome i did (and would) treat him.
so why am i missing him? i mean, i miss who i thought he was? is that it? who i wanted him to be? who i hoped for?
i suppose so. i’ve made some harsh comments on his blog over the last few months (and they were well-deserved, in my opinion, of course) but i don’t even feel like being mean to him anymore (though, i have to admit, saying some of the things i sometimes WANTED to say, and was afraid of saying before, lest i anger him, was therapeutic for me and i have no desire anymore to be masochistic–which they say is anger at another turned inward–how true!). what’s the point of that? anyway, i am sure he knew it was me commenting–i do have a certain way of scolding him and he isn’t stupid either. he probably enjoys knowing it still hurts me.
i’ve had a LOT of male attention in the last few months too. i think it’s related to me finally letting him go. i felt free of him when i first stopped contacting him.
so why am i missing him now?
the pain is subsiding. maybe he’s not the horrible person i thought he was. maybe he’s just a solitary, flawed, stubborn, and confused man. he would never say those things about himself.
but i would have loved him anyway. despite it all, if he would have just given me a chance. i would have moved there to be with him. i would have done just about anything.
i did love him. the him i thought he was. it seems so foolish now.
my consolation at my utter stupidity, is that my art was brought to a new level–photography, poetry, and the new collages in audio and graphics. it was because i couldn’t express how i was really feeling that i created those things, and so that is what is good that came from it all.
maybe someday i’ll be glad for him, because of that.
