Archive for April, 2008
the mathematician
did i spell that correctly? that’s what i’m calling the math teacher in my neighborhood who approached me two days ago (see below). today he just “happened” to be getting stuff out of his car after i pulled up to the curb to park.
he called me “darlin’.” okay. i usually don’t like this kind of thing from men i don’t know, but i’ll take it. then i asked him how his day went. he told me they got new laptops at work today. cool. tech talk. then he said “you look really nice today.”
aw. how sweet. and not in a slimy way, did he say this either.
then he asked me again if i’d like to go out for a drink sometime. i said yes, but hesitantly, waiting, i guess for him to suggest a place. then he sort of wavered, like he was waiting for me to suggest it. then he said, “are you sure?” and i said “yes, but i don’t make arrangements, you have to do that.”
ah. the light went on. he said, “well maybe i could get your number.”
i said sure, did he want to put it into his phone? he said just tell him because he’s good with numbers, he’d remember it. so i recited it. he said he’d call. i told him this week was busy because i am singing. he said “you sing?? so do i!”
he sings in a gospel choir. HOW FUCKING COOL!
i told him who i sing with, and as is the standard reaction from most people, he said “wow! the phil—armonic. hmmmmm.”
i smiled and said “have a good evening then.”
i so like men who know how to ask a woman out. damn it’s refreshing.
weight
i just got home from buying a new scale. i’ve been weighing myself on david’s scale, and haven’t done so in like, a month maybe. it’s how i know i lost 40 pounds. well. i THOUGHT i did. but it seems i may have gained some of it back. not much, but enough to upset me. but how come my clothes just keep getting smaller? i take a size almost 3 sizes smaller now. but it’s not like i’ve been building muscle or something (which weighs more than fat). in fact, i really NEED to do that.
**pouting**
okay. my own fault. how about stop eating? that would do it. or, more likely, stop eating junk at night. i think that’s been the culprit.
sigh.
how come?
when he asked people to de-lurk, they did it? but when i asked…only one did 
**sniff sniff**
lurkers, say hello. pretty please? it would please me 
i said NO
i wasn’t going to bother writing about this, because i didn’t want to waste any more energy on it, but i decided i would. because i am proud of myself and i want to comment on it.
to make a long story short, that idiot, rocket scientist was here from NJ yesterday on alleged business. he gave me no notice, to speak of, and then expected me, demanded, basically, that i see him based on HIS schedule. i told him no. i said i could come to have a drink with him before my rehearsal but that was all i could do. for about 1/2 an hour (since he didn’t really give me any notice). he said he was “tired” and wanted to lay down, couldn’t i come AFTER rehearsal. his reason for not seeing me when i was actually available? because he was tired? i told him he could lay down the rest of the night, why not see me when i could actually come?
i must have said NO about 10 times. i told him after working all day and then 3 hours of intense singing for a concert that matters more to me than i can explain, i would not be able to do anything.
i basically blew him off. he even had the nerve to send me text messages during my rehearsal, asking if i’d left yet to come see him.
are you fucking kidding me? i didn’t respond.
not too many years ago i might have gone after rehearsal, even though i wouldn’t have wanted to. i might have agreed. i might have. probably would have. because i was pathetic or lonely or really just didn’t get that this kind of behavior from a man is so totally disrespectful of me.
but i get it now. and i’m really proud of myself for saying no, meaning it, and not giving in.
i feel really good about that. even though i’ve yet to get seriously involved with someone nice, as i would like to, i’m not sleeping around, acting stupid, being desperate, or taking any more shit.
when he thought he was losing and thought he still had a chance to change my mind, he started saying:
“you’re really special. you’re really special. that’s why i’m doing this, because i know how special you are, otherwise i wouldn’t even bother.”
it was all i could do not to laugh. i did say this:
“i know i am, so why aren’t you treating me that way?”
ha.
luminous
rehearsal today was wonderful. three hours of focused, intentional singing by everyone. i’ve never heard people singing in such perfect unison (not note-wise, but rhythm and cut offs and dynamics). i know why it’s happening now. because of the piece we are doing, and the meaning behind the performance.
three singers who survived the concentration camps and sang this piece at terezin, will be present for our performance.
i personally have been practicing this music on my own, every single day. i feel a huge responsibility to know this music as well as i can, so that i can do justice to what they endured.
i know other people feel the same. no one at all is complaining about anything. it’s really remarkable to see what can come out of 120 singers all working toward one vision. something like this brings us all to a new level of performance.
this concert is going to be transcendent. i can feel it. it’s building and we are already so in step with each other. it’s going to be something never to forget.
have i mentioned how very very grateful i am to be singing again with the chorus? how lucky i feel? how i know what an honor it is to be able to do this?
and i’ve been in really good voice this week. i can sing the softest pianissimos and the loudest fortes with ease.
i was thinking about our former music director, thomas, who always wanted me to take voice lessons. i took them briefly, but always because of vocal health issues (nodes, sinuses, allergies), lack of money or lack of time, i didn’t take them for long.
on the way home from rehearsal tonight i decided that i would look into lessons again. he told me that he thought if i took lessons, i could do great things with my voice. i never forgot that. it meant a lot.
i wish he was still alive. i miss him. he’d be so proud of all of us for this concert…
