i usually don’t think much about him anymore, but for some reason, i suppose the recent string of rejections, i was thinking more in depth about him the last little while. almost missing him, even. so i feel like telling the story here. i don’t know if i’ve ever told it all in one place, just in bits and pieces, so we’ll see how it goes. this is the condensed version…

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he walked in the door of the office one afternoon, shortly after i’d been hired, and the first thing i thought to myself when i saw him, strangely, was, oh. you again! he’d been made into a sort of larger-than-life character by my other colleagues, and i was expecting, i don’t really know. something or someone else.

i know all those things you hear about soul-mates and knowing each other from past lives, well, i don’t really believe in that kind of thing, but that first minute, i already knew him.

he was my boss, 21 years my senior, and despite no wedding ring (which i immediately looked for) he was married. a second time.

we were introduced, and the first thing he did after that was to ask me if i was ready to go on a trip to south carolina that thursday. i was kind of shocked, and a little uneasy, as i’d just started and we were to meet with a big client that day. one of my cats had just died and the one left behind was very much grieving, as was i, and i didn’t want to leave her, even if it was just overnight. but i did go. it was my job.

i knew when i took the job that i would be flying in a small plane to meetings with my boss who was also a pilot. i was excited about it, as i’d never done that before, only commercial planes. so, my fourth day on the job, i drove to the private air company, parked my car, no security, and walked out on the tarmac with my new boss, to get in the plane. it was a 6 seater, and we had to wear the headset and all that. i was super excited.

it was an uneventful flight and we got in with no problems. i do remember that evening vividly. we flew into charleston and R opened the windows of the plane as we were landing. there is nothing quite like that. the warm air, lights on the ground, sun just having set in the sky we were flying in.

we got to our hotel and R let me have the suite that was available, and we agreed to meet downstairs to find a place for dinner. we ended up walking to a nearby restaurant where we descended into an intense discussion about my past jobs, and about of all things, god and religion. he just smiled at me after he asked me what i thought about god, saying this:

well. you certainly have a very erudite view on god. you should be a minister.

ha ha. that’s funny now.

i digress. we were fast friends and clicked right away. this only progressed as time went on, and we spent more time flying together. at the office, he was all brenda this and brenda that and it embarressed me while at the same time i liked it. i didn’t know i had feelings for him, because there was no possible way i could.

he was my boss, first of all. the president of the company, secondly. third he was married. fourth, he was one year older than my own mother.

so i did not have feelings for him, though our flying together was always non-stop talking about anything imaginable. i began to edit a book he was writing and we’d email on weekends.

he told his friends about me and the book i was writing and he started to bring me little ‘gifts’ from his flights without me. nothing he’d bought really, just a postcard or photo he took or an article he saw and clipped. he did buy me a book one of his friends had written and wanted me to come to the book signing.

i still was in complete denial, but i knew that i would look forward to his arrival at the office and when he was there, i wanted to talk to him. i wanted to go on the trips.

his wife sometimes came at the end of the week (i won’t address their relationship…) and i hid from her. she pretty much hated me as did everyone else begin to hate me. R continued to brag about me and talked about my talents musically, etc. to anyone who would listen.

i don’t think he even realized what he sounded like. it’s like, if i was in the room and he walked in, he couldn’t keep himself from turning everything around to me. i would get very embaressed by this over and over and try to walk away, or whatever.

still in denial. not possible to have feelings for this man. not possible at all.

i suppose at one level i did know, but i hadn’t even admitted it to myself, because it was an impossible situation, and i knew that. but love has a way of ruining all propriety…

it was weird, but i remember distinctly finally understanding how you could know something internally, but not be acknowledging it. i understood, i thought, how someone could be gay, and know this on one level, but not be able to reconcile it, so being one another level of denial. it makes for chaos internally and a real struggle emotionally. to keep the real feelings at bay…i felt like my situation, trying to deny what i really felt, was very similar to that kind of struggle. because i felt that i should not, under any circumstances, be in love with a married man.

more than the age thing or the boss thing, it was the married thing that was impossible for me. if he hadn’t been married, i would have married him. at least, i would have wanted to. but that was of course a deal breaker. and i didn’t want to be that woman. i would not be that woman.

finally, 6 months had passed, and christmas came, and he bought tickets for my concert. i knew he was coming, his wife was very angry and wouldn’t come (i can’t imagine why…). i told her i had nothing to do with him buying the tickets, which was completely true–i told him he better make sure it was ok with her.

anyway…the night of the concert, i was on stage, waiting with the other musicians, and i watched as people filed in to the hall. it was sold out and the place was mobbed. i saw him walk in though, as though there was no one else in the room but he and i.

how cliche. but true. i felt so nervous and scared, it was as if i was alone on stage. i’d never ever experienced that before. i knew then, as clear as day, that i was in love with him. i suddenly could no longer pretend it wasn’t true. it was heartbreaking.

the next 5 months were torture. we got closer but then he’d back away. which always hurt me and then i’d back away which just made us get into this crazy, confusing cycle. it interfered with my job. i couldn’t concentrate. the others hated me because they assumed we were sleeping together. and i can honestly say that we never did. never. not even close.

once he told me he loved me (i just said nothing)– blurted it out while we were talking about something or other. he’d play love songs while we were away on trips, telling me, oh i want you to hear this song, etc. i never said much about it. i was too scared.

on one trip, i wanted to take a photo of the two of us in a window reflection. i asked him to stand next to me for the photo. he came up and put his arm around me and pulled me to him, and as i snapped the photo, he turned to kiss my cheek.

i was stunned and i think he was too. we had a meeting right after that, so we just sort of ignored that it happened. it was the only time he kissed me. and it was chaste.

i loved him and i couldn’t love him. it was painful and awful to be around him and not be able to be with him. the job was getting awful too. i hated the work and the VP was doing everything she could to sabotage me.

one day, he called me up to his office. i was sure he was going to fire me, because the VP had been bitching about me. i had prepared for it, and when he told me he’d do ANYTHING to help me succeed, i sank. i realized i was disappointed that he wasn’t firing me.

i needed to leave. i was determined to leave. i worked it all out, talked to my friends and family about it. even my father, mr. practical, wasn’t against me quitting with no job to go to.

i finally, after another month, took the leap, and went to his office to tell him i was resigning. after it registered what i was telling him, he became angry and cold.

for two weeks he wouldn’t talk to me, and then finally, he did talk. he came up with a number of ways that i could still work for him on the side. creating little projects or me just having one client instead of 7. but i didn’t want that. i wanted to be free.

he asked me to stay until he found a replacement (they hired two people, as it was obvious that i had been seriously overworked). i said i would.

i did go on one more trip with him, and that last flight, he offered to let me fly the plane. i chickened out, but now i wish i hadn’t.

it was dragging on. people were treating me like crap. i was miserable. finally, a week before i was to leave, something happened that really upset me and i was going to walk out. he heard about it when he called in. we had a huge argument on the phone and he begged me to stay. i did for another 8 days.

my last day, he didn’t come to work, because his wife had fallen and had an accident. i was upset, but felt it was karma. he’d asked me to come to his friend’s booksigning after work, and so, in the end, i did that.

as i walked across the bookstore parking lot, i had this huge sense of relief wash over me. i felt like myself again for the first time in so many years i couldn’t believe it.

i met him inside and he introduced me to all his friends. they all seemed to know all about me. finally, we both left to go home, walking out to our cars together. this was it. i’d never told him how i really felt, but this was my chance.

i’d written, like a little child, a small note on pink stationary. i folded it up until it fit into my palm. it said this:

R, the other reason i am leaving, is because i love you.

he held out his hand to me, and we shook hands. he held on to me for a minute, smiling, saying he promised to be at my first book signing. i had the note in my palm and he took it from me.

i said goodbye and walked away from him, never looking back at him. he called out again that he would be at my booksigning, that he’d see me there. i waved behind me, without looking, because i knew he’d see the note soon enough.

i got in my car and as i drove away, i burst into tears.

i pined for him for a year. sometimes i’d get calls from small airports, but there was never any message. i saw him drive by my house once when i was walking down the driveway to wait for a friend who was picking me up.

we talked once since then, when i ran into him by accident. he saw me and his face lit right up–and then it was as if he remembered he should be upset with me. i cried then too, after we drove away.

that was the last time i saw him, probably almost 5 years ago now. i always knew i did the right thing. but sometimes i still miss him.