Archive for March 10, 2008
what started it
was, i don’t know, this feeling that things being said, were, well, being said the same elsewhere.
so i asked. i wasn’t really happy with the answer, because frankly, the things i was saying, well, i wasn’t saying to anyone else. i don’t throw those words or behaviors around lightly.
it really never occurred to me that i wasn’t the only one these things were being said with, to, for, etc.
until the other day. i don’t know why it occurred to me to ask, but i did…
it hurt. almost like betrayal of some sort. that i was sharing the best parts of me, which is difficult after everything…and that in fact, the way he was responding, meant nothing special. he does this with everyone.
i do know that the other night when i was expressing some caring, i saw that in fact, someone else was also actually calling him very serious names of endearment, and it’s clear from the comments, that in fact, i was not the only one who he was engaged with in the way he engaged with me. i didn’t understand that until now. not really. i thought i was different.
i have begun to shut it all out. because if i think about it, i feel completely stupid and humiliated and very sad…yes, they are my feelings, but they didn’t come from a vacuum. they didn’t happen all without prompting of some sort.
i wish i could explain this better. but i can’t. it’s like, you want the things between you and someone else that matters to you, to matter. you want the important intimacies to mean something. you don’t want to think that those same endearments or whatever are being shared elsewhere, for whatever reason.
but he told me he has no feelings for me. none. nothing. that just astounded me. i was really shocked. so i guess the things i thought meant something, never meant anything to him and so it was okay for him to say them to others. to be that way with others, because i never mattered.
not in the way i would like anyhow. not in the way he was beginning to matter to me.
when i saw that comment just now (which i was avoiding looking at until now), it hurt.
it’s not like he owed me something, but does that mean my feelings don’t matter now? that my pain is my own problem? that hurts too. to be dismissed. to be told, well, it’s not my fault you’re in pain, it’s yours.
true, but that feels like a very cold response.
i’m not angry. i still feel in shock. grief. loss. someone i had hoped to be close to, to get closer to, has rejected me. it’s not like it hasn’t happened before. it’s not like i won’t survive.
and of course there’s the practicality of it all. but that never matters to me when it involves the heart. i’d do whatever i had to do, to be with someone like him.
but nice men don’t like women like me. and neither, apparently, do shitty men.
i just so believed that this time, he would be different. i really really thought he would be different. i wanted him to be. i was beginning to believe again, in goodness and hope.
and maybe he is different like i felt, just not different with me…
i know why people close up their hearts. i can’t imagine ever believing again. i just can’t do this anymore…
i have things to say
but i don’t really feel much like writing them down (though once i get started, who knows…). have a lot of loose ends to deal with today and don’t feel much like doing that either.
car wasn’t stuck this morning. thank you for small things. though some check engine light was on and that was upsetting, really set my mood for the day (which was already pretty sad). i was hoping it was a fluke, due to the weather, or ice build up or something. after work i got in, said a little prayer for it to be off (not that i believe that helps, because i don’t), and it wasn’t lit up. the car seems fine anyway…
barely spoke to anyone today, as i was very busy, and the day flew by. i did talk to my dear friend D this AM and she asked me about something that had upset me friday afternoon–asked how it all turned out. i started to cry. at work. anyway…she’s a good friend. never judges me.
lunch was ridiculous. i sometimes eat with D or sometimes with my cousin in the music wing. i ate in the music wing today. somehow, one of the guys started on the topic of abortion.
sitting surrounding by all women, he proceeded to go on and on and on about abortion being murder. it’s murder. murderers. etc. he must have said that word over and over. when people are that fanatical, that they can’t even consider the possibility that the thing they are saying might in fact be hurting someone sitting there listening, well, it’s pointless to try and have an intelligent discussion.
i asked him why he thought his views were more important than anyone else’s and why he felt he could tell every woman in this country how they should live their lives and what they should believe? he responded with this:
because your body is not yours, it’s the blessed mother’s.
okay. well, i said, i don’t believe that. so why are you right and i am wrong? that’s just your opinion, there is no basis in fact for that, it’s a belief and you are entitled to it, but i don’t in fact have to abide by it.
he flipped. so i asked him about capital punishment. etc. i was very calm, because i was trying to point out that the issue for me is not about abortion it is about personal freedom. and i said that no one wants abortion. no one says, oh goody, let’s go and get an abortion. it’s such a wonderful alternative.
oh. i could go into more of what i said to him, but it’s pointless. narrow-minded bully.
what i wanted to say, just to shut him the fuck up, was that i am not a murderer. probably at least one of those other women have had an abortion. bastard. i hate insensitive people.
if it’s so fucking horrible (which, it is) then why would you go on and on and on about it in front of women you don’t know the first thing about?
i ended the “discussion” by saying that he was certainly entitled to his opinion, but that in fact, was all it was. opinion.
honestly, it didn’t hurt me to hear it. i’ve heard it before. and i know who i am and what happened to me and how i feel all about it. if anything, it just makes me more determined in my views and in finishing my novel, which, deals heavily with this issue. and not in a didactic way either.
when i get done, pro-life people will think i’m speaking to them, and pro-choice people will too. and that, is the point.
i have to get this crap done that i’ve been avoiding. i don’t really want to, but must.
and what the hell about governor spitzer? really. it just makes me so upset. i can’t believe it. i really thought, of so many of them, he was one of the good, decent, non-hypocritical ones.
the baby of whom i speak below
i love his little tongue hanging out all the time. so amazingly adorable.
