rehearsing that adams piece is torture. especially after singing something so beautiful for weeks beforehand…ugh…

early morning meeting so must be brief (not that anyone cares).

friend had her baby today. little boy all are doing well.

i was thinking about my novel on the way to rehearsal, and i realized, that i feel so cynical right now, about “things” that i don’t even know if i can end it the way i was planning. it seems false now, that i should end it with some sort of hope. that’s terrible isn’t it? i can’t believe i’m feeling that way. but i do feel that way. i’m talking about relationships. i feel so cynical about them, i don’t know what it will take for someone to do, (and it will have to be DO, not SAY anymore) to make me believe again. that hurts more than rejection i think, that loss of hope for love to be real, to happen, to last…

sigh. off to bed. i hope it’s a phase…