i never thought
of all people, he’d stop talking to me.
never in a million years did i think we would not even be friends. that he wouldn’t even consider me worthy of keeping in touch with, even if just casually.
i guess that’s a lesson for me.
i don’t know if it was a mistake. i was feeling so generous and loving.
but now i feel crappy. again.
and just plain sad.
rehearsal tonight will make it better. it always does.
nap.
i remember
on our last walk together, because we took a lot of walks together…that he turned around and looked at me as i was, of course, taking a photo of him walking away from me, and i remember thinking “jesus, could i be in love with this man?”
it just hit me all of a sudden. him leaving. moving away.
i mean, i knew i loved him, he had become, basically, my best friend.
but i didn’t call him that. i just called him my friend, not bf, not lover, not best friend. because, well, he wasn’t any of those things.
but when i knew he was leaving, as the time was drawing close, i started to call him my “person” (stolen idea from grey’s anatomy). because, that’s what he was.
he still is.
part of my misery all summer, was losing him.
and i couldn’t be upset because what he was going to, what he’s doing now, working on his PhD, is so much better for him. and i was and am truly happy about it for him.
but i miss him. i did mourn for our friendship. he was there for me, even when he was super busy and i’d get testy about not hearing from him.
but here’s the thing:
he came to see me sing
he listened to me
he talked to me
he confided in me
he laughed with me and made me laugh
he walked with me
he catered to me even if he wasn’t really sure he should be
he did get mad sometimes when i was a diva, and made me stay in a restaurant i wanted to leave, and i listened to him.
he introduced me to other artists and writers that he knew, and encouraged me to submit a book to his friend, and talked to him about me (no small thing)
he never ever got annoyed when i wanted to take photos or video. never. in fact, he came along with me when i just wanted to roam around and take photos and nothing else.
he met my mother and father and didn’t seem phased by it.
i met his parents and he talked to them about me.
i was so stubborn, insisting that the next man MUST make his intentions clear as a bell and do all the work (since i’d been the one doing it all with all the other men in the past).
but he was doing everything.
as the time came closer, i felt so sad and cried a lot. only the last time in front of him though. he held me tight against him as we said goodbye.
then i was off to sing a concert i’d wished he’d been able to attend.
i suppose it was a fitting way to end, for me.
but it’s not over. i mean, of course, we’re still friends. but again, i’ve been stubborn about contacting him too much. but i caved this weekend, after watching a group of silly videos i made with him.
i really missed him and called him.
he finally called me back tonight, after i moped all weekend over not hearing back from him. he said he’d been away, and i immediately bristled, jealous, thinking that he might have met someone.
i was always jealous a little, of other women he was friends with, though i generally didn’t show it. he sometimes made smart remarks and jealous type comments about me and other men i was interested in. and of course, the weird comments about me being his gf and then moving down there, etc. which i never knew quite how to take.
he told me he went to texas. i waited to hear who with or whatever. finally, he told me it was a college friend and his wife, and i sighed in relief. i didn’t really care if he heard the jealousy in my voice this time.
he said he missed me. i told him i thought he’d come home and not seen me. he said he would never come home and not tell me.
i said i was thinking of coming to visit over christmas. he told me to come. please come.
he sounded a little lonely. maybe.
but he said he missed me too. why is my timing always so bad? why am i so stubborn? i just want someone to make some effort for me.
but now, it occurs to me as i write this this, he always has…
the purge
so i’ve been cleaning for awhile now, meaning i’ve been weeding out things i don’t want, need, use, wear, want, etc. i managed to get through every room and donate 9 bags plus some electronics today. i still have my storage room to go through, but i’m taking a break tonight. maybe tomorrow…
i also have now lost over 32 pounds. i can now wear a size i haven’t worn in probably at least 10 years. so from my highest weight (when i was in ithaca) i have lost over 50 pounds and i have gone down 8 sizes. i can’t believe it still. my cousin gave me three pair of jeans in my current size and some sweaters. thank goodness. all pretty much new, but won’t fit me either, when i get to my goal weight.
i’ve also discovered that one breast is now a B cup and the other is a C cup. very inconvienient, considering i can’t possibly find a bra like that. so either one breast is all smushed into my bra and pushing out, and the other is fine, OR, one breast cup is all puckered and looks ridiculous and the other breast is comfy.
well, it’s the downside of losing weight. that and having to buy a new wardrobe when i am done.
i’m almost half way there however. another 8 pounds and it will be half way to my goal weight, which i should reach, if at the same rate, by june sometime.
just in time for summer 
and on another note: still missing online crush. resisted his blog this week, but of course now i just look and see he posted another photo of himself. and i can see his hands in this one. which i hate. i love his hands, i mean. damn him.
i must be dead to him. how he can just forget me, is really beyond my understanding…
and then he asked for help with some video issue he was having, but i can’t help him. i know how to fix the issue, but i would never write now and offer help.
why? so he can just ignore me.
the thought of that makes me feel crappy all over again.
so after being kicked so many times, a dog hangs back, hesitates, shudders, even when someone gets just a tiny bit close.
i know why now.
the thought of being ignored one more time by him is pretty much unbearable.
in the end, i suppose, that’s better for me…
see this is what happens…
when i have too much time in between therapy appointments. i start looking at his blog again. my homework at the beginning (since he was a big reason i went in the first place) was not to look at his blog and not to write to him or contact him. i did really well, but lately, for some reason, i have been looking.
if i have to admit to it, i am less likely to do it. it’s because it always ends up hurting me somehow. there’s always something that eventually pops up and i feel bad about it.
maybe that’s the real issue. that i assume things that i shouldn’t. it is true i do that, though i am much more conscious about it now and try not to do it. it’s a distorted thinking style. and i know i learned this terrible habit from my mother.
yes, it’s her fault. but i do work on this issue. and online crush pointed it out enough times.
well it’s not like he’s perfect or something.
and it would have been remedied in this case, easy enough, by him communicating consistently and openly with me.
but he can’t see how he contributed to my anxiety.
i guess we get the people in our lives who force us to deal with our issues (or not to). he definitely brought up my issues with his lack of attention and care.
i know in the end, no matter what he did or didn’t do, i am responsible for what i do and feel.
i hate that, but i know it’s true.
that’s why i stopped writing to him. the only thing i could do to try and make my misery over him go away.
it’s true, his power has lessened in my life. very much so.
but some days, i still pine.
like today. i saw a new photo taken of him last night at a lecture. he looked older than he ever has. much older (though maybe he’s lost a little weight, i think). he looks even, i dare say, older than his actual age.
i wonder why.
but that doesn’t matter either, because he looked even more beautiful to me.
i hate him for that.
because we know of course, that i don’t hate him. though maybe i should…
