my friend forrest called. he had his own sorrows and wanted to do something. i said i didn’t want to go home (because i couldn’t bear to see the math idiots car and have him ignore me). we went out drinking. i had two eiffel towers (martinis) and then we went to the art gallery. we finished with food at the local greek restaurant.

still no call from him. calls from everyone else, but him.

i got home and saw he is home. his light from the TV is on in the living room and the shades are wide open (never happens). i am of course, angry.

i park my car and walk to the front of my house. i glance at a toyota SUV parked across from his house, and think i see a pink sticker on the window that says MATH MAN. i walk closer, and sure enough, it DOES say MATH MAN.

this can only mean one thing. this is his “wife’s” car. she’s there. the one who served him divorce papers last friday (which i saw because he held them out to me).

how fucked up is this?

so this is the reason he hasn’t called (even though it was his suggestion and idea). that bitch just used those papers to get her own way and manipulate him. AND he’s fucking ignoring me now and not even having the fucking decency to tell me he can’t or doesn’t want to see me anymore.

fine. you want to get back together with her, fine. but at least fucking tell me. so i have to see them together now from across the street?

i’ve never ever ever ever ever been lied to or bullshitted by ANYone as much as he lied and bullshitted me.

i can’t believe it still. i’m sitting here in fucking shock.

i called him two times, but he didn’t answer. gee. what a surprise. if i wanted to be a real cunt, i should just keep calling. maybe she’d wise up.

fools.

i can do so much fucking better than this shit.

he better hope now he never sees me on the street. and i mean never.

he said he’d call me tonight when he got in. he never called. not before work, not after school, not after he got home, not before he went to bed. all the times he was calling before…and he said he would call me when he got home. i saw his car on the street from 7pm on…

i feel like i’m getting blown off…

very very sad. did i make another stupid mistake…?

this is like riding a rollercoaster. i should have never gotten on it. i can’t bear it. i can’t bear ambivalence that starts out so excited about me, but then fades away and no one bothers to tell me.

they just fucking disappear.

and please don’t advise me to be patient. i’ve been being patient for 42 fucking years. isn’t it about time for me? for me to be treated decently just fucking once without having to tippy toe around someone else’s divorce or fucking baggage?

he shouldn’t have started something with me while this was going on. i blame him.

i sang tonight. on a stage. in front of hundreds (maybe? not really sure, but it was standing room only) of people. all by myself. no accompaniment. just me. my voice. i didn’t even get a first note.

my cousin (one of many many) is a music teacher in my school and she had a concert tonight. she asked if i would sing the national anthem to begin the concert. there were many people i work with there, including some admins, and of course, all the kids.

i finally decided to do it. yesterday. i wasn’t sure i’d be in good voice and so i wanted to wait. i did it.

it’s a big deal because even though i sing with my professional chorus all the time, i haven’t sung by myself in years. the reason? because i had a “barbara streisand moment” years ago when i was singing at an art gallery.

i actually forgot the words to a song i had written. why? because i knew it so well, i started to daydream and when i came back to the music, i’d forgotten where i was. i stumbled. i am a perfectionist, and so this is of course, not acceptable.

i was really traumatized by it. tonight was my re-debut to singing by myself. it seemed a pretty safe venue. i did well. not as well as i would have liked (perfectionist rears the ugly head), but no one else had a clue.

anyway. it was good i did it. and the kids, when they found out i was singing were awesomely excited. how can you say no when you know they love it so much?

i feel pleased. maybe my singing career isn’t over yet

PS– i should post the shot of me singing the national anthem at the pontiac silverdome in detroit. note to self: remember the 1 and a half second delay and wear ear plugs! (yeah, it doesn’t seem like a lot of time, but it is HUGE)

he called me today. he was meeting with the soon-to-be-ex this evening re: divorce papers (and i’m thinking the dividing of things between them). \

he told me again, regarding he and I, “we’re going to be okay. we’re going to be okay.” that made me feel a lot better.

i am really hoping that the problems we’ve been having, are mostly related to his going through this shit right at the time we just started to know one another.

he will get the benefit of the doubt on this from me. i know i overreacted, when i put things in the perspective of the way he acts 90% of the time. i told him i know that and i’m sorry.

he just called me and said they met, and i asked how he was, and he said “angry.”

i can only imagine how that meeting went. i didn’t pry. he asked if he could see me soon. i said whenever he wanted. he told me he has a late night tomorrow but he’ll call me when he gets in.

it’s okay. i think i need to give him some space. i need it too. this all happened so fast for both of us.

90 % of the time we do fine. it’s the 10% of freaking out on both our parts that needs to get better.

we shall see…

…the rules. am i supposed to ignore blatant attempts at evasiveness, caginess, and hedging? am i supposed to act as though the things said were not said, just to keep the peace? and just because he calls 3 other times in the day, to tell me he’ll talk to me later, does that mean when i asked if we could have dinner and he stammered and stuttered and said “oh. uhm. i….i’m going to eat at school. i’ll be eating ritz (crackers did he mean??)” was i supposed to pretend that i didn’t notice that either? (fyi: nobody eats DINNER in school)

he tells me his schedule, and i never ever ask. i only asked to have dinner after he told me he’d be late from school due to an inservice. then it seemed like a good idea to have dinner, since he told me he eats out every night and doesn’t cook. i like to eat out, he likes to eat out–something nice to do.

so he’s not speaking to me now. i did not call him a liar, i simply said i was very confused by the non-answer i got in the morning and i felt a bit slighted. i did not yell, cry, scream, call names, argue. i used standard “I” messages (as in, I FEEL this way when THIS happens) and not YOU YOU YOU did THIS THIS THIS. i’m trying to trust him. i am trying really hard.

maybe i am just too difficult. maybe it’s me. maybe i don’t deserve to have a bf.

maybe it’s me.

he asked me over the weekend to be patient with him. well, how come i can’t have the same courtesy? how come he can’t be patient with me?

how come being open is so hard? what did i do wrong this time?

i’m going to bed.

he got the two thumbs up from our mutual friends. they seem happy. we are doing much better. back to having fun. it was the stress i think from the divorce papers, i think.

also, the fact that we had some hairy arguing, but got through it and are on the side of better understanding each other, and i trust him more now, means we are doing better as far as my insecurities.

this week i’m much busier, which will be good. last week was probably TOO much.

thanks everyone for your comments and love

so. i had a meeting yesterday morning and when i was at the meeting, i got a call from mathematician. i couldn’t answer. i’ve noticed that if i don’t answer the first time, he calls a second time. he did. i texted him that i was in a meeting, so he’d stop calling and wouldn’t think i was playing games or ignoring him (i never do that shit anyway). when i got out, i called him back and we chatted.

we went out to dinner. we were both a little hesitant with each other on the phone, agreeing we don’t want to argue and we also don’t want to stop seeing each other.

over dinner he talked a lot about his divorce and ex wife. i tolerated it, because i knew going into things with him, i’d have to put up with this, and well, i do feel badly that he’s feeling humiliated at the moment. i also want to make sure that while he’s opening up, i don’t shut him down by being insecure or whatever. i know i have to let him vent sometimes.

but i got a little sad and quiet. partly because i don’t know how it feels and i don’t know what to say to him. so i just listened and he noticed i wasn’t talking and commented that i looked sad. i said i was a little and he asked why. i said it was because i was just thinking that i’m really probably the “rebound” girl and…

and he said “don’t rebound relationships sometimes work out?”

“well, that’s not the conventional wisdom.”

“but we’re not conventional, are we?”

“no…we’re not. and it’s not like i’m going to stop seeing you now…i don’t want to stop.”

“me either. and you’re not the rebound girl. you’re not the first woman i’ve gone out with. there have been a few others. but no one. no one, is like you.”

“okay…i know…i’m okay.”

we were both talking about past stuff that hurt us, which on one level is good, because we do a lot of joking and playing around, so it’s nice to know we can be serious too. and it makes me feel safer with him. i told him a story about something that happened to me in the past, and while i was telling it, he opened up his phone, and then he immediately said, after i told him what had gone on, “oh, that happened to my wife too.”

uhm. i reacted badly to that comment. i wasn’t talking about her and he’d gone on and on about her already and i wanted him to say something about ME. i don’t think i was being a baby about it. i felt really slighted, because it was something that affected me deeply and it’s very important i know where someone stands about it…so i reacted badly and then he got mad at me (he definitely has issues with taking responsibility for upsetting someone, which, i’m very good at pointing out and refusing to let someone turn things around on me). so i got snotty and said “well, thanks for your compassion.” and he actually had the nerve to say that same thing back to me. what?

we were both pretty mad. he made a comment about leaving, but since i drove, i said nothing. if he’s the kind of person to make a scene in public and walk out, that would have been completely it. i don’t put up with that kind of crap. it’s ridiculous and immature (he’d 52, btw). he didn’t leave. but we stopped talking.

finally he said something about his steak and i asked him some pathetic question about dinner. we started talking again, leaving the crappy discussion behind. i’m not really sure how we got through that little episode, but we did talk about that too. he apologized and admitted he needed to stop running out when things get tough. okay. well, he didn’t do that. so progress i guess.

the rest of the evening was fine. later on we were at my house laughing and having a very nice time. he told me that he’s never met any woman in his life who was as exciting as me. he said it over and over again. he didn’t mean sexually, he meant overall (because i asked). he said he’d never known any woman who was as smart or funny or talented or sexy as i am.

well. who doesn’t want to hear something like that? i don’t know if i’ve ever connected with someone as much as we connect. i’m happy. i feel like the arguing, and being able to work through it, has made me feel so much more trusting and safe. conflict is an opportunity for growth, i know that.

so things are good. he called me before he went to bed and said he was watching a movie that was set in paris and he thought of me and wanted to call me. he pretty much calls me every night before he goes to bed and every morning on our way to work.

this was so unexpected. but i’m taking it. it’s a gift. i’m not giving it back.

…i don’t want to have sex with him. but i’m trying to stick to my decision. he’s not making it easy for me.

am i just being ridiculously stubborn? sabatoging, even though he’s doing everything i’ve been asking for a man to do?

or is it some deep issue i have that i haven’t even realized i have, that’s somehow finally coming to the forefront…?

i don’t know…

for once, when i finally decide not to be impulsive and throw caution to the wind, i feel like i’m going to ruin something that’s been so good.

men. please give me your input on this. i’m not doing it to manipulate him. but i think he believes that…

obviously we are still talking and arguing. now he says he has time for me tonight.

he had a concert last night. when i came out of the house to go to my friends poetry reading, he walked across the street in his patent shoes and tuxedo. he was so handsome. he’s tall, about 6′2″. when he hugs me while i’m wearing heels, i fit next to him perfectly…he said it…

he sang a solo, and was very excited about it when he got home. he called me once on his drive home, but i was mad and didn’t answer it. he called back, about 2 minutes later. i answered it. later when i asked him why he called 2X, he said “i said, ‘oh no, you’re not going to ignore me’” he knows me, apparently, in some ways, already.

we had a very long talk. he said of course he’s been thinking of me being his gf, of course he meant the things he said. i told him it seemed like he was saying he only wanted something casual and was disappointed to learn i’d only sleep with him if he was my bf. he said he understands now where my bar is and he’s being patient with me, so why can’t i be patient with him? i said that i could be patient, but again, the reason i was upset was because it seemed like he switched on me, and was now saying he didn’t think of me in that way. i said it hurt and confused me. the talk was really good. he said he didn’t think we were very far away from one another in what we want. i suppose that is true. for him, it’s the commitment thing he’s afraid of (understandably) and for me it’s the sex without commitment thing that scares me (again, understandably). so we’re sort of in limbo land. but he wants to keep seeing me like he has, etc.

i thought things were fine. we had the date for this evening, and i was happy about that because it would be something fun to do after this little bit of difficulty. he asked if i wanted to see him, and i of course did. so he came over. we cuddled and talked a little more.

everything was fine until he said this:

so can we change our date tomorrow to sunday night instead?

i was like, WHAT?? you said we were doing something tomorrow.

i got really really angry. i mean, very mad. overly mad. out of proportion mad.

but here’s his reason: i found out i have to sing tomorrow.

UHM EXCUSE ME. i sing in two choruses. NO ONE, and I MEAN NO ONE, would ever tell you the day fucking before that you have to sing the NEXT DAY. that’s just BULLSHIT. he insisted it was true. i didn’t believe him, because we’d already had it out about saturday night.

he said he wasn’t breaking our date or blowing me off (my words) and i said he was. he said he just wanted to do it sunday. i said SUNDAY is mother’s day. he acted like he had no fucking clue why i couldnt see him sunday.

i got very snotty and said, okay you do what you want. obviously you have some reason you cant see me on SATURDAYS and since im not your GIRLFRIEND then you can obviously do whatever the fuck you want.

he said man i can’t win, i just can’t win with you.

yeah, that’s me. so fucking hard to please, isn’t it?

how about that fucker Z who i “dated” from TO, who could never ever fucking see me on a saturday? and how about the time i called him on a saturday and discovered some woman was there and he talked to me like i was a fucking telemarketer. how about that for humiliation?

and mathematician knows this shit.

i believe he’s lying about tonight. i’m thinking he’s been seeing someone else and isn’t ready to end it with her and doesn’t want me to know about it because he knows i’m not going to tolerate being second. not to anyone. i don’t even fucking care if im not his girlfriend.

saturday night is a big deal to me. and i’m busy the next two saturdays, at least. and i didn’t make other plans because i was supposed to see him.

now what am i going to do? sit around by myself?

he stormed out. i let him go.

i think it’s best i dont talk to him or see him for awhile. i don’t think he’s being honest.

i got a call from my landlord at work, but didn’t listen to it. i got home, walked up the front steps to the cement porch, and saw that it had caved in. i immediately called him. i couldn’t walk up to the front door, so i set my stuff down and waited for scott to come, as he answered and said he was right around the corner.

while i was waiting, mathematician pulled up and parked. he said hi, i said hi, and then he pointed to the papers sticking out of his shirt pocket, and told me he got served divorce papers today at work.i couldn’t say very much, because then scott arrived. i introduced them. then scott and i were blabbing about the sinkhole and him filling it in, etc. and mathematician said i’ll talk to you later and went home.

then we had the very unsatisfying conversation on the phone. then i kicked things around because i was so angry (though i didn’t let on to him that i was so angry, but i really was) (but beneath the anger was disbelief? shock? hurt?) and talked to my cousin who calmed me down.

then i got ready to leave the house, to go to a poetry reading that a friend had organized. mathematician had a concert tonight and was singing a solo.

when i got out to my car, he appeared in the street. he was dressed in a black tux, but hadn’t yet put the jacket on. very very debonair. i was pretty cool to him. still feeling like i might cry or whatever…

i just don’t understand. all this week and all that he said and really, did. spending every evening with me, and then he says today he doesn’t want a girlfriend?

major disillusionment.

cousin M says i can’t take anything he said at all for fact today. he got served divorce papers in a humiliating way at work today. i can’t take anything he said as meaningful.

or maybe today is the day i should listen to, and not any other…

he said as he walked away from my car, “talk to you later baby…”

i just feel sad.

no one is ever available…

he’s getting divorced? he got served his papers today. he vented to me and i listened and i felt compassion for him.

somehow the subject of sex came up, and i said i didn’t want to have sex until i was someone’s gf.

he told me he was disappointed.

uhm. what?

i asked him to clarify.

he asked why i didn’t say that before.

well, because i wasn’t ready to say that before. but today, i was thinking about it and that’s what i need to be ready and to feel safe.

again he said he was disappointed.

so is that it?

he said he wasn’t “ready” for a gf.

oh. really? i remained calm, though inside i was getting pretty upset. i told him that it seemed that maybe he shouldn’t have said a number of the things he said to me this week, if he wasn’t thinking along those lines with me, because i had the impression that it was in his head, at the very least. i also said neither of us should be making that kind of decision right now.

but let me tell you. i hung up, called my cousin, and kicked a few things around the house as i swore at her instead of him.

have i been fooled yet again?

the feeling of public humiliation is creeping in. M said i have nothing to feel humiliated about: you tried again, you trusted someone, you took a chance in life, you’re not letting the past keep you from trying, and you held to your standards. what do you have to feel bad about? you should feel great about yourself.

she’s right.

but i’m still upset.

he asked if we were still on for tomorrow. yes. but if you think you’re going to ply me with any glitter mouth bullshit, you can think again.

i’m stepping WAY back now.

you must all think i’m such a fucking idiot.

at least i didn’t sleep with him…

happy

mathematician is cool. he’s really into me and i’m into him too. he’s being really patient with my need to feel safe emotionally before going further physically (though i’m definitely big time attracted to him).

i told him “it’s only been 4 days since we started seeing each other, you know.”

and he said “yeah, for YOU it’s only been four days!”

lol. apparently he’s had his eye on me for quite some time.

off to work

okay. so we had our first “misunderstanding” this AM. it was about sat night. i asked him what we were doing that night and he hesitated and said he was busy with his friends. i had a knee jerk reaction due to Z, that fucker from TO, and then i got upset. i said it was fine, but he knew i was upset. we were both at work. he called me back 15 minutes later to say he didn’t want to start his day upset with me or me with him and if it was important to me, he’d make sure we did something together on sat.

wow. i wasn’t trying to control him, i told him it was the seeming evasiveness that upset me, and especially after our wonderful conversation the night before. he understood. he asked if we could make up later i said yes, of course.

we just talked for almost two hours on the phone. he told me that he wants so much to respect my position about sex and all that, he knows where i am coming from. he said he’s afraid too and he likes “courting” me.

he’s coming over in a minute. we’re going for a walk and to get some ice cream

i really really like him. i can’t believe this is happening. it’s completely unexpected, but so so very nice. i’m feeling connected to him on all the levels that matter. he said he knows if we connect on the last one (which i feel we will, based on preliminary research *wink*) then, and i quote: “it’s all over.”

i asked what that meant. he just keeps saying “i’m done. i’m done.”

meaning? he’s whipped. or will be.

i’m trying to contain my excitement. and my desires. i can do it. for once, i can do it. he’s being great about it too. it means a lot to me.

uhm. he just left. after talking for 3 hours. we behaved ourselves admirably. very admirably, i might add. i want to behave. he’s not making it easy, however, because he makes me laugh and i like him and i mean, i can’t believe this is happening. it’s so EASY to be with him. i honestly cannot remember this happening…not in this way…not…in a long time…ever?

i played the guitar for him, and all he said was “fuck fuck fuck fuck.”

i’m like, “WHAT????”

he looks like he’s going to cry, no lie, and says, after much hesitation and prodding from me, “you know what i was just thinking as you were singing?”

“no, what?”

“i could fall in love with this girl…”

holy shit.

i was speechless. we just stared at each other.

then he said this: “can you still have kids?”

i said i didn’t know. how could i know?

uhm. i’m still not sure why he asked me that…but he started joking that if he was with me, he’d be having kids with me left and right.

uhm again. well. i do want children. but who knows…i have no idea because i haven’t tried. anyway. it was silly. he was being silly. but it tugged at my heart a bit…

i told him i wanted to be courted. he said he really likes that. he likes the idea of courting. he likes that i said it. he likes me. he said that over and over again.

we had some serious discussion, and he started to open up about some things that i was a bit concerned about the other night.

and then i find out, that he knows (was best friends with) the father-in-law, of my sister-in-law. no kidding. somehow i was talking about his son, who is married to my sister-in-law (actually, my brother-in-law’s sister, but it’s easier just to call her my sister-in-law/friend) and he asked me if it was C—-.

uh. yeah. that seemed to be the icing on the cake for him. he was like “oh MY GOD!”

well. it was kinda weird. but that’s this city. one degree of separation every where you look.

he just walked home. my phone rang. it was him, telling me that he had such a great time with me tonight and it was really special. he told me to call him in the morning…

sigh. off to bed.

PS–HE is mathematician

we went for a long walk tonight. he held my hand and put up with me stopping all the time to shoot photos. we sat by the reflecting pool in front of the music hall for a long time, telling stories about ourselves and he told me jokes. he’s pretty funny. he does some stand up. he makes me laugh. was more himself tonight i think, being goofy–which is my humor too. we made out in my downstairs hallway for a little bit. i successfully am making things go slow. well, as slow as they can go when he lives across the street and we’ve now seen each other two times in two days. he told me everyone at work told him today he seemed so happy. i asked him why? he said “because i had so much fun with you.”

i can feel my commitment issues rearing their ugly hydra heads. trying just to enjoy what’s happening and not freak out and not analyze too much. i’m doing okay.

mathematician called me today after work. i was sleeping. still exhausted physically and emotionally from the week of concert mania. i called him back as i was driving to rehearsal where i was only going to drop off my music and then head back home. very sore shoulder.

he asked if i wanted to go out for cinco di mayo. i said i was probably too tired. but we talked the whole way to rehearsal and when i got there, i was really suddenly hungry. so i asked if he wanted to go eat instead of just getting a drink. we agreed on a place.

very busy night tonight. musicians on the street, drunk people, the usual weekend fare, but it’s monday. he was waiting for me. stood when i walked in, took off my coat. very happy to see me

he made me laugh and i was completely myself. which was nice. there are some issues which concern me, but i like him. the laughing part and being myself are of course big.

someone who doesn’t make me cry? someone who isn’t making me mad? (not yet anyway). wonders never cease.

he REALLY likes me. he walked me to my car after dinner, and took my hand.

you know how long it’s been since someone held my hand?

i can’t even remember…

he made sure i got in. okay. he walked me to the door and kissed me.

such a cutie. very cute. cute. lol.

sigh. off to bed.

i still have so much to say about the concert. tomorrow…

PS–he confessed that he noticed me the day i was moving in, back in december. he’s been trying, apparently, to get my attention since then. well. i told him i never even noticed him at all, really, until last week. lol. that’s good, isn’t it?

can they PLEASE hire someone who knows how to say more than “the chorus was good” (in this case she used the term “superb”– big deal, i have a thesaurus too).

here’s the review. uhm. if you can call it that. once again.

i’m writing something now. as we speak.

Thomas (who died 6 years ago on June 7th…)

Originally uploaded by poetdiva

I’m missing our choir director today…

i went to see a panel discussion last night with the maestro and holocaust survivors and it’s been in my head ever since. it was very touching and poignant. there were two women there and one gentleman. all three were vibrant and full of life and memories about the conductor whose story we are dramatizing this afternoon in our concert.

one of the women in particular struck as me as so poetic. her descriptions of how she felt, were all metaphoric. i wondered if she realized she was speaking in metaphor. i was in the 2nd row and i was just mesmerized by her. when the discussion ended, i felt compelled to speak to her. so i did. she was tiny, and i was wearing heels (which makes me almost 6 feet tall) so i had to bend so i didn’t tower over her.

she was so sweet. when i told her that she was a poet she denied it vehemently, insisting that while her mother had been a sculptor and other members of her family were artists, she had no talent at all (remember, she was an original chorus member in a concentration camp, singing the verdi piece-learned by rote-under the baton of raphael schachter). i told her that even if she was unaware of it, her words were poetic and since i am a poet, i really noticed it. she finally conceded and thanked me. her humility so reminded me of my grandmother…

she asked me what part i was singing in the chorus and i told her alto 1 and she said “oh, i have a friend in czechoslovakia who also sang alto 1, i am going to tell her that i spoke to you!” i told her i’d be singing the part for them tomorrow (today).

i also managed to get the courage to speak to the maestro. i had to wait for a long time, standing pretty much right next to him, but so many people interrupted or got ahead of me. i’m not very pushy when it comes to this sort of thing, i just hang back, especially because i was nervous to speak to him. but i really wanted to, so i waited. he saw me standing there and at one point he held up his finger to me, to indicate to me that he knew i was there and to wait. i wasn’t going to walk away and i wasn’t upset. it was fine, but i thought that was kind of him.

when i finally got to speak to him, i shook his hand and said my name, and he didn’t hear me (ambient noise and/or me being shy) and so i had to lean in to say it again. he was strangely quiet. i didn’t expect it considering his gregariousness and “stage presence.” maybe it’s weird to have strangers coming up introducing themselves and saying nice things to you. i know that would be weird for me to. what do you say? i don’t know.

i told him i was a member of the choir (he probably knew that) and that i just wanted to say thank you for what he was doing, that it was an honor to sing under his baton, and that i was really pleased that he was telling this story, because i feel that it tells the story of what music really means and how it matters in the world. he smiled and said thank you. he was quite humble. just nodding and barely even looking me in the eye. that was sort of disappointing, really. i wasn’t sure if i made him uncomfortable or he’d heard this so much before that it just went in one ear…

no. i don’t think so. again, what would i say if someone did that? in fact, i know how weird it is to be approached by strangers (flattering and meaningful, but still sometimes uncomfortable) and told that they really loved something i wrote. i’ve had complete strangers do that in person but also via phone. i’ve had at least three occasions where someone read a poem i’d had published and took it upon themselves to look up my phone number, and leave me a message on my answering machine about how moved they were. and one letter to the same effect. those are things i will never forget, and though the people may have felt it didn’t matter to me, it did. i just didn’t know how to respond to that very well at the time.

anyway. i am glad i spoke to him, even if he did find me a weirdo what i said came from my heart and i am sure he knew that. people’s public persona’s are very often different than the personal ones. i think i must have gotten a glimpse of the personal side. and it was sincere and humble, which was nice.

i have to go stretch, iron my concert clothes, and just relax a bit. i don’t want to be rushing around at the last minute.

did i also mention i spoke to mathematician yesterday? i returned his call, and he asked about my concert. he said he might try to come. we shall see.

the end of the requiem tomorrow. since you all can’t come, i thought i’d give you a taste. and that’s all it is. nothing can compare to what we’re doing tomorrow afternoon.

the mathematician called me last night while i was napping before my dress rehearsal. i didn’t hear the phone because i shut the ringer off, because inevitably, i would get a million calls while trying to nap (and i did get 4, as it happens).

his message was sweet. you may remember that a few days ago (i think it was wed? maybe?) we saw each other on the street after work. he asked for my number then, but didn’t write it down because “i’m good with numbers.” i wondered if he forgot it.

apparently he didn’t. he said he was calling to say hi, to see if he remembered my number correctly, and he said he knew that i was really busy this week, but maybe we could make plans to do something next week. he hoped my rehearsals were going well.

well. how nice is he? first he asks me out. then he calls at a decent interval, remembers that i am busy, isn’t pushy or rude about it, and remembers that i am singing and wishes me well with that.

uhm. what planet is he from?

sigh. i’m so glad. a nice friend? perhaps more. we shall see.

he has this cute boyishness to him, both in his face, and in his demeanor. i like it. i’m pretty sure he’s older than me, but not too much older.

even as i sing and learn about the man who taught more than 150 prisoners in a nazi concentration camp how to sing the verdi requiem by rote, i think to myself how the holocaust has reached into the arab world, in the form of the creation of israel. i am not anti-semitic, but i believe that the palestinians were orginally illegally removed from their land. that’s i know it’s controversial, and people will disagree with me (i’ve gotten hate comments before about this), but it’s the state, government, that i am opposed to (in case anyone wants to challenge me on that, my last long term bf and now my best friend, is jewish).

i feel this deep sadness, that even after what the jewish people (and many other “groups”) experienced during WWII, that the world has not really learned from that event. we are singing for those people, especially the ones who sang to defy the nazi’s, who sang to live, who sang to regain and retain their humanity. i am singing this weekend for them.

one of the original chorus members who sang this piece was at our dress rehearsal tonight. when he was introduced we gave him a standing ovation. i cried, as did many others, before he spoke even one word.

we sang for him tonight.

but i keep thinking about palestine, through all of this. and for some reason, feeling badly that i keep thinking about it.

and then tonight i saw this letter that he posted (some call him anti-semitic too, but though he may be a lot of things, this i know for sure, he’s not a racist).

it made me feel better about my uneasiness. thank you.

tonight’s rehearsal, this upcoming performance is why i do what i do. why i suffer through concerts and music i dislike (this music is not something i dislike, this is spectacular). why i drag myself, tired and exhausted, to work after concert weeks.

this surpasses even the recordings of the randol bass music back in january that we did.

i have no words to describe the feelings. i’m trying. but they fail me. they don’t do it justice. it’s something you have to experience and i don’t know that i can write about it.

not yet anyway.

it’s transcendent. it’s something so beautiful, it hurts.

buckingham palace

Originally uploaded by poetdiva

i took this shot in london many years ago. i just felt like posting it again. in honor of course, of my musical life this week the life i share with so many others. there’s nothing quite like it. i feel blessed

piano rehearsal before the actual recording sessions

Originally uploaded by poetdiva

the poem below and this photo (taken during our recordings sessions in Jan.) are in honor of my rehearsals and concerts this week, since i don’t have time to properly blog. these two things will have to sustain you in my absence

talk amongst yourselves.