one of the best days i’ve had in a very long time. of course, it was all about music. i don’t feel like writing about it here, because i’m planning on writing something about it elsewhere. and you know i don’t like to be google-able. so i’ll refrain. but let’s just say, to my complete surprise, the musical day ranked right up there in my top ten musical experiences with the chorus. for sure. awesome, amazing fun day. i also danced my ass off.

i then went to a small gathering of friends, who also happen to be writers, in the evening. the conversation was interesting, though i’m seriously not putting forth the effort i probably should be, with regard to getting my work “out there.” but so much of what i do is not about quantity. i’m pretty picky about where and when i send things out. i really feel it has to be a match in many ways, for me to bother. otherwise i think it’s a waste of my time.

i almost didn’t go because these are all friends of F (who moved for grad school), the one who acted like a fucking idiot over xmas, which i think i talked about here before. the one who i believed to be a very close friend, but turns out he thought i was in love with him or something ridiculous like that.

of course i set him straight, but not before he completely condescended to me, and insulted me. i pretty much said i’m no longer talking to you. that’s the very short version of the events, btw.

since these were his friends that invited me out (well, i guess they are my friends now too) i figured they’d ask me about him. i think they all thought we were a “couple” or at the very least, i was considered the person he was closest to here.

which is what i thought too. a very close friend.

anyway. i almost didn’t go because i was worried about them asking about him.

of course, K did ask me about him, and when i responded, with what i am sure was a very pained face, that i hadn’t heard from him, G gave me a seemingly compassionate look and i just looked away.

i knew he must have known what happened, or at the very least, knew that SOMEthing happened, but maybe not the details.

they both realized they should probably drop the subject.

whatever. F was wrong for how he handled his own confusion, and i deserve an apology.

i had a nice time anyway. so i was glad i went. and i tried out a new recipe on everyone, and they all liked it. so that pleased me. i can cook now too.

it wasn’t true…

i dreamed about online crush last night, and it was by far, the best dream i ever had about him. he came to see me, at a huge party that my family was having. i wasn’t expecting him. he was chubbier again (i’m sure he’ll gain some of his weight back) but not too much, and he had very short, almost buzzed hair, and his hairline had really receded. but it was still him.

when he first came in, he stayed across the room, standing by a fireplace with a mirror over it. i saw him, but wasn’t sure what to do, but i eventually went over to him (he was talking to all kinds of people i didn’t know) (we were at a restaurant and the party was large, with kids everywhere too, but it was more than just my family).

i walked over to him standing there and he put his arm around me. he smiled and seemed happy and calm. he was about the same height as me and i felt happy and warm—warmth coming from him. i looked at us standing there together in the mirror and we both looked happy and i asked if i could take a photo.  i thought he’d say no, that he wouldn’t like it, and so i promised not to post it online, but he said i could, he didn’t care. i felt like he wasn’t ashamed of knowing me, after all.

so i picked up my camera and he picked up his camera and he made a joke about how his camera had a wider angle and i made a comment that he always had to one up someone. he knew i was right but we were still joking. he told me that he knew i always took good photos. so i took photos of us together there and then some waitresses came over and asked us both if we wanted something to drink. i said no and he looked surprised. even when we were taking the photos of each other, he still kept his arm around me.

then he was talking to a bunch of people in my family, and it was all normal. i introduced him. my overwhelming feeling in the dream was surprise that he wanted to see me, wanted our photo together, and didn’t mind at all meeting my family.

again, it was a surprise, and pleasing, that he wasn’t ashamed of me (i guess that’s obviously part of what has hurt me so much with him, him treating me like i am nothing, no one, and hiding his ‘relationship’ with me,  from everyone)

suddenly we were outside and i could see that we were actually not at home, that we were in some sort of natural area/national park, for some reason i thought it was the river at the bottom of the grand canyon. there were huge walls of rock and this bright blue meandering river.

the dream ended with both of us swimming together in the river. we both dove in, and swam off together. but somehow we were still touching each other too.

well. it was a comforting dream. even though it was completely wrong. he’ll never do any of those things. he’ll never make me feel better. it was a dream of what i had wished for, and now have to finally grieve the loss of, and that’s all.

i’m feeling much better emotionally, but i have been sick the last 3 days. i hope it’s gone by monday so i can go back to work.

something just snapped. i integrated, i hope for good, about that man who has almost all the traits of a person with narcissistic personality disorder. almost all of them. and true to the profile, he’s gotten worse with time and attention. i knew it for a long time, probably at least two years now, but i hadn’t been able to integrate it. until now. now i know at my core what he is and why i have had so much trouble with what he did to me.

anyway. it’s a process and for the first time in a long time, again, i feel free.

of course i still have work to do on myself and i’m working on it. still seeing my therapist and that prob won’t change any time soon.

but i’m not feeling like garbage anymore. like i’m worthless. all because of one stupid man who couldn’t be human enough to be kind to me or continue to at the very fucking least, to be my friend.

he could ask me to bend over and show him my pussy.

but i was never his friend.

i know that’s crude, but it’s what he did to me.

and yes, i was a victim of his cruelty. i don’t blame myself any fucking more.

and for those of you sitting there shaking your head, not understanding why i would “tolerate” it, do some reading and research (because believe me, i’d never want anyone else to have it done to them, so they understand) and maybe you’ll have better understanding of me.

despite being sick, i feel so much weight lifted from me. i feel free. finally.

i’ve said it before, but go back to making excuses for him.

what he did to me was abuse. i won’t make any more excuses for him.

i am not at fault for what he did to me. he used me. it’s that simple.

and when he found he could get his narcissistic supply from seemingly “better” objects (because narcissists don’t really understand that you are a separate person, you are merely the object to getting their needs met) came along, then he threw me aside.

of course, he can’t fathom that he’s done any such thing. he can’t see that it’s him and not me, that is the problem. he can’t see that he’s the one with the personality disorder.

i used to worry for him, care for him, do things for him. i used to think he was so special. and on and on and on.

now i remember that baby photo of him, where he looked so innocent and i wonder “who the fuck hurt him so much that he’d end up like this?”

it’s very sad.

for him.

but for me, there’s hope. i have empathy and compassion. i have so much love to give and i plan on giving it to someone who can love me back.

and he will never be capable of that.