the kia forte. lots of nice options and standard features. the right size. and the price is actually fairly reasonable, compared at least, to other cars very similar.

of course i’m not ready to buy it just yet. hanging on for as long as possible…get through the summer. pay off a couple of other bills first, get a decent down payment together and hopefully, i can buy a car after we go back to school.

my salary should make a jump of 2 steps (brd lost in court to the union) and maybe even see some retro pay (doubtful). plus 1K for a week of training at the end of the summer. and let’s not forget summer school. but that money will go to pay off the old bills.

anyway. i am hopeful i can swing this before the new year at least.

and the thing is, i will REALLY appreciate it when it happens. i’ve waited a long long time and been through a lot of crap with the car and money.

the best laid plans….this is what i’m considering anyway. we shall see…

i got a personal email today and was personally invited by the princ of that rural district to apply for the position next year. this is invitation #2. they must not be getting a lot of applications, or they are being really picky about who to interview. it sounds pretty much like they will interview me. apparently, one of my old professors recommended me.

hmmmm.

but here’s the even better second thing of today:

i got an email from my director asking me to call him, which i promptly do.

he tells me, and it’s like he’s whispering, that i can’t tell anyone about our conversation.

to make a long story short, he may, (may) be able to get me into the school i want to be in. per.frm.ng arts acdmy.

whoo hooo!

don’t tell a soul. it’s not for sure, but we both know i am the perfect person for that position.

so i have two good possibilities.

i feel hope.

now if i could just get all this old financial stuff FINALLY taken care of (yes, some bullshit has once again reared its ugly head) then i’d feel much better.

it’s not like it won’t be taken care of (i’m not writing about the latest thing that happens to not be my fault and a big mistake and no one seems to care so i guess i need a lawyer to take care of it), but it’s just very stressful having to deal with it.

i’m coping by immersing myself in music.

so that’s the newest scoop. we shall see…

…but i wanted to just say that our concert was even better today than yesterday. it was outstanding. my whole body was shaking by the end of the mahler 2nd. i don’t know why, but it wasn’t bad. it’s just never happened before to me. i was torn between sheer joy on my face and tears. it was very very emotional.

at one point near the end, JoAnn lifted her arms and face to the sky in this amazing supplication—it’s always like she’s dancing when she conducts— and we were all so moved by that.

and the orchestra. it was just amazing. all of it.

then they held a reception for all of us at a shishi club in the courtyard.

i had a such a wonderful day. the concert, the weather, the reception. posted photos on flickr. look there.

AND i finally got to speak to the princp french hrn, who i have a crush on.

he’s divine

sigh…back to real life tomorrow.

i love the chorus. i love it. love it. there were moments today when i felt transported elsewhere, lifted beyond this world, transfigured, and a part of this huge community of artists all in search of that perfect translation of the music. it was stupendous. words cannot do it justice.

and that’s why there is music, after all

a woman in the chorus told me she just sang last month at the concentration camp, that piece we did last year. the one i wrote the article about for the nat. chorus org. apparently, someone (i’m not sure who, maybe the maestro himself? don’t know) distributed my article to all the singers who were going on the trip, a couple weeks before the trip. my singing friend told me she met this man on the trip who she became good friends with, and he told her that one of the MAIN reasons he decided to go on the trip was my article. he was so moved by it, he wanted to go and sing it there.

that was so very very nice of her to tell me about it.

it made me feel good that people appreciated it. i know my friends did, but strangers too. i guess i’m both–a writer and a musician.

and according to comments made today by F and friends, also a photographer who should be selling books of photography.

well, that’s on the list too. i’m getting there.

felt through most of the symphony tonight. my folder was vibrating. my feet were vibrating. the music was running like electricity along my arms and the nape of my neck. i was soothed and mesmerized and overwhelmed and pleased and melancholy. watching our maestro is the mesmerizing part. the percussion and brass are the overwhelming part. the pianissimo vocal entrances were electricity and the solos were melancholy.

it was an outstanding evening. we got a huge “true” standing ovation. that’s when the audience is up on their feet at the cutoff, which happened tonight. no lollygagging–oh-those-few-people-in-the-front-are-standing-so-better-i ovation, but a real one. lots of cheering and bravos and whistling it was awesome

but i must say, my favorite part was when the chorus was singing this amazing fortissimo in the last movement, and we were doing it pretty well, and i glanced at the princ cellist, who is always playing around and joking and being an idiot a lot of the time (though he never does it when the maestro is directing, i’ve noticed) and he just began beaming as we sang that particular part. nodding his head as he played and beaming from ear to ear.

clearly he was pleased by us and that pleased me. it felt like, if we got HIM to feel that way, then we really did do a fantastic job.

if it wasn’t for the chorus, i’d have little to look forward to. that’s how i’ve been feeling. when i couldn’t sing during the winter because of that crappy adjunct thing i did, i felt stifled and frustrated mainly because i wasn’t singing.

and when i was in ithaca i missed the chorus more than i missed a lot of other things. more than just about anything.

i am eternally grateful that i get to sing with them. truly.

i used to say when i was in school, HS especially, that music saved me. my clarinet saved me. it’s still true to this day.

i’ve been having a very tough time again, lately, for various reasons i feel are out of my control, and the thing that redeems and makes me able to cope, is performing.

that’s it.

i’m not sure if i’m really a poet before anything else. sometimes i think i’m really a musician before anything else.

i still have dreams of playing clarinet again someday…